Although prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it be postponed.
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.
Afternoon: The part of the day spent figuring how we wasted the morning.
Afterthought: A tardy sense of prudence that prompts one to try to shut his mouth about the time he has put his foot in it.
Agriculturist: One who makes his money in town and blows it in the country.
Ambition: A poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
Ambulance: A shuttle between a speeding motorcycle and a wheelchair.
Animals: Creatures that do not grab for more when they have enough.
Antique Collector's Song: “You take the highboy and I'll take the lowboy.”
Antiques: Furniture that is too old for poor folks but the right age for rich people.
Apartment: A place where you start to turn off your radio and discover you've been listening to your neighbor's.
Apologize: To repeat an insult with variations.
Argument: Something that gets better when you don't have facts.
Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges.
Awe: Showing respect with your mouth wide open.
Baby: A perfect example of minority rule.
Bachelor: A thing of beauty and a boy forever.
Backbiter: A mosquito.
Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.
Barber: A brilliant conversationalist who cuts hair for a sideline.
Bargain: Something that's so reasonable they won't take it back when you find out what's wrong with it.
Benefactor: One who returns part of his loot.
Big Game Hunter: A person who can spot a leopard.
Budget: What you can’t do to a woman’s mind once it’s made up.
Buffet Dinner: Where the hostess doesn't have enough chairs for everybody.
Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
Business: Something which, if you don't have any, you go out of.
Businessman: The man to whom age brings golf instead of wisdom
Candidate: A person who asks for money from the wealthy and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
Checkroom: Where the sheep are separated from the coats.
Chef: An interior decorator.
Christian Nation: One that has Churches too many people stay away from on Sunday.
Classic: A book which people praise and don't read.
Class Reunion: Where everyone gets together to see who is falling apart.
Combustion: What takes place when there isn't enough goods in a store to cover the insurance.
Commercial: The warning you get to shut off the radio or television.
Community Chest: An organization that puts all its begs into one ask it.
Conceited Person: One who mistakes a big head for greatness.
Conference: A long coffee break.
Congress: A body of government that does not solve problems - it just investigates them.
Conscience: A still, small voice that tells you when you are about to get caught.
Contortionist: The only person who can do what everyone else would like to do - pat himself on the back.
Cookbook: A volume that is full of stirring passages.
Cow: A machine that makes it possible for people to eat grass.
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Croquet: Chess with sweat.
Deficit: What you have when you don't have as much as if you had nothing.
Deluxe: Mediocre in a big way.
Dentist: A person who runs a filling station.
Diamond: A piece of coal that made good under pressure.
Diet: A selection of foods for people who are thick and tired of it.
Diplomat: A rabbit in a silk hat.
Discretion: When you are sure you are right and then ask your wife.
Donut Factory Manager: A person who has charge of the hole works.
Endless: The time it takes for others to find out how wonderful you are.
Etiquette: Knowing which finger to put in your mouth when you whistle for the waiter.
Executive: One who makes a prompt decision and is sometimes right.
Experience: What you get while looking for something else.
Expert: Someone who is called in at the last moment to share the blame.
Flattery: An insult in gift wrapping.
Footnote: Useless information placed where you can skip it.
Friend: A person who listens attentively while you say nothing.
Gentility: What is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.
Golf: Cow pasture pool.
Gruesome: A little taller than before.
Guitar: A hillbilly harp.
Gunpowder: A substance used to make nations friendly to each other.
Good morning everyboomie.
A new diner for a new day.
Today I have the privilege, honor, and joy to work from 10:00 until 7:00ish.
I hope they have some fun activities lined up for us.
If not I'm calling my Mama and tell her to come and get me.
I know of a few other things I'd rather be doing.
I know of a few other things Baby would rather me be doing.
In fact, one thing I'd rather be doing I'm going to do right now, WITH my dog.
Have a happy day everyone.