Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Animal ThoughtsAfter watching that imbecile on television who claims to know what common household pets are thinking, it was decided that we too, would do the impossible...
Dog "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."
Goldfish "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes over and over............... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"
Dog "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
Goldfish "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!"
Parrot "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? HELL NO!"
Cat "Why are these people in my house?"
Dog "I don't care if you take the jewelry or money, but don't mess with the fridge."
Goldfish "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"
Cat "I wish he would stop kicking me down the stairs."
Dog "The 'pretending to throw a stick' game is getting old, but I seem unable to stop myself from looking for it."
Cat "Why did they put this service bell on my neck if they're not going to answer to it."
Dog "Why is the baby eating my food..."
Hamster "Kill me, this wheel is boring."
Iguana "Oh great, another day of being in this small little cage with my food bowl, my water and these annoying wood chips.
Dog "Man, my dog food looks exactly like my poo! Well if I'm ever hungry I'll know there's plenty for me in the backyard..."
Gerbil "OH NO, not again!"
Dog "I bet if he could do that, he wouldn't be telling me to stop."
Cat "Oh no, he's picking me up to do another 'land on all fours off the balcony' test again."
Bunny "I wonder if she will notice bunny pellets in her pillow case?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Why Aren't You Married?
Comebacks to that all time favorite question "Why Aren't You Married Yet?"
You haven't asked yet.
I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
Because I just love hearing this question.
Just lucky, I guess.
It gives my mother something to live for.
My fianc�e is awaiting his/her parole.
I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon?
I'm waiting until I get to be your age.
It didn't seem worth a blood test.
I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
My co-op board doesn't allow spouses.
I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
They just opened a great singles bar on my block.
I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.
What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?
I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
Why aren't you thin?
I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
(Bonus reply for Single Mothers) Because having a husband and a child would be redundant.
Here are some quotes from famous atheletes that most likely explain why they can't seem to get regular jobs...
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: " I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl." Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (Now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height. "And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious.
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too [blip] ugly to kiss good-bye."
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a new day
It's a new dawn
Get out of bed
Get your groove on...
Go forth and haveth a happius maximus day.
I expect a full report from each of you when I get back.