My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing will begin in five minutes.
US president during radio microphone test.
Los Alamos Secured
The Los Alamos National Lab in New Mexico, a supposedly high-security nuclear weapons facility, has had a series of infamous screw-ups in where top secret information has been misplaced or stolen.
Top attempts to tighten security at the Los Alamos lab include...
18. Ask Napster to kindly remove all Los Alamos nuclear secrets from the download share list.
17. All researchers are given amnesia-producing mallet blow each night, memory-restoring mallet blow the next morning.
16. All documents will now be encrypted in the new, unbreakable "Ig-pay Atin-lay" format.
15. Hard drives now equipped with Lojack tracking systems.
14. "Accidental" radiation leak turns regular security guards into meaner, tougher mutant security guards.
13. Barkless Basenji guard dog replaced with out of work Taco Bell Chihuahua.
12. Cease giving out day passes over the radio to the "15th foreign national who calls right now!"
11. Janitors Boris and Mao swear that "Jake the Security Guard is a commie [blip]. Start there, comrade!"
10. Immediately suspend "you break it, you bought it" policy on hard drives.
9. Chinese take-out no longer a lunch option.
8. All communication in secured areas must now be done in Klingon. Added benefit: the scientists are thrilled!
7. a) "Accidentally" leave plans for latest weapon by the office water cooler. b) First country to utilize a $5 billion [blip] Bomb clearly the guilty party.
6. Cafeteria Happy Meals no longer include a free ZIP disk.
5. Visitors answering the guard's challenge with "Foe" now required to sign guest book before entry.
4. Security guards limited to one "WHAAZZZUUP!" walkie-talkie conversation per hour.
3. Finally allow Chief of Security Barney Fife to load his gun.
2. "Shave and a Haircut" knock replaced with more secure "My Sharona" knock.
1. From now on, all security guards must pass the new "Your Behind From a Hole in the Ground" test.
Love Tips By Kids
Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":
"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)
Good morning everyboomie.
I hope today is as exciting for you as it is for me.
It's my Friday, I get off early, and I AM OFF TOMORROW!!
We got a bunch of rain, the creek is up, and I'm hoping I can find some more point.
For now though I can barely hold my head up. Been up since 3:30ish.
I hope it's a special day for all.
C ya joe