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#890371 - 05/28/13 01:26 AM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29938
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
Mae West
~~~~~~~~~~

Skiing Exercises

The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...

- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!

- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
drop things.

- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!

- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.

- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.

- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.

* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You know you're really broke when...

American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.

You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

Your bologna has no first name.

You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.

Sally Struther's sends you food.

McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

At communion you go back for seconds.

You wash your toilet paper.

You have to save up to be poor.

You're in college.

On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.

You owe yourself money.

You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.

Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Simplified Dump

We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like...

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as "The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, _________________________________

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I'm here, you're here.

You're happy to see me. I'm happy to see me. snicker

It's a happy day already. yay

See how this works?

You're going to happily go about your business today. dance

I'm going to work.

think

It was going so well there for a minute. shocked

I think maybe I think too much...........I think. headscratch

I think I'll quit thinking and go to dreaming.

Have a good one everyone. thumbsup

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (05/28/13 01:28 AM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#890375 - 05/28/13 02:46 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7461
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe lol
Good morning boomers,have all a great day. smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#890381 - 05/28/13 03:43 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6003
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who come in after me wave Coffee is ready wishing you all a happy day!! puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#890385 - 05/28/13 04:30 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16841
Loc: Marlborough USA
dance Good Morning Joe Harolua and Cailyn. It's a chilly morning here. I hope you all enjoy your day! dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#890396 - 05/28/13 05:56 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5329
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Time for another work whoosh. wave Have a great Tuesday, everyone. spring

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#890401 - 05/28/13 06:36 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14211
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers,

Joe, a happy day to you!

Cailyn, weather is looking good today. Coffee please and thank you.

Haeoula, wishing you a great day!

Gerry, good morning.

Venus, easy workday is wished.

A trip to the grocery store is on the agenda this morning. Wishing everyone a wonderful Tuesday! spring
_________________________
Gail

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#890406 - 05/28/13 06:53 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7973
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Hubby took me on a surprise shopping trip for a 3D TV yesterday. It even converts regular programing to 3D. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Cinnamon Buns, and Bacon Sandwiches. USA
_________________________
Connie

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#890432 - 05/28/13 09:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: connie]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9292
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Tuesday is terrific!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's been a fabulously lovely four-day weekend! Full of family and so much fun!

Now back to work. But a short work week! smile

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#890446 - 05/28/13 11:07 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42053
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

I'm on the clock today. Much to do and not much time to do it. We leave tomorrow and will be back Friday or Saturday. At least, that is the plan.

Boys will be here for awhile. Mom's sister was in an accident so she called and said the boys had to stay. That means son had to call out of work. I hope he doesn't get fired for that, but I'm not holding my breath.

Joe, you need to quit and go into the point business. How is mom, by the way?

Haroula, wave

Cailyn, thanks for always getting that coffee ready.

Gerry, stay warm.

Venus, happy whooshing!

Gail, happy shopping. The grocery store is a dangerous place for me to be.

Whoa, Connie, do you love it?

Darlene, happy skooshing.

Off to pay bills.....back later wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#890450 - 05/28/13 11:17 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Darlene]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Hello Boomer friends wave

I'am back in Switzerland, sound and safe, thanks to Nan's Band (thank you again sweetie kissy). Internet here is - woohoooooo - working flawlessly, so I'am able to see you more regularly.

Looney: I've found the perfect Bilbo Baggins house for you. It's near the lake Zurich here in Switzerland and the price is, well, peanuts rotfl

Bilbo Baggins is living in Switzerland

(There's 5 more pictures on the right side of the big pic!)

Happy day to you all!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#890457 - 05/28/13 11:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42053
Loc: Alabama
Evelyne, you did find my perfect house. When shall I schedule the movers? wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#890460 - 05/28/13 11:57 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
That's up to you Looney, but, tell me, the 1.9 Million bucks are no problem for you? eek
Boy!!!!
rotfl
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#890463 - 05/28/13 12:28 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7065
Loc: San Diego, CA
Evelyne, what a fun house. NO corners to clean. I could live there for sure! Just mail it to me express and I'll move in.

Today is check out the park for transients day. They come and go. They did a major clean out of them a few months back but now they are trickling in again. It's fine when they are just there enjoying the trees and grass, but when they set up 'camp' which involves up to 7 or 8 shopping carts with sleeping bags and tarps over the top and blankets down the sides to make a community tent, it gets a bit scary. We have to walk right by the 'commune' when we circle the tiny park. The transients are getting to recognize us and we them. Dunno if that's a good thing.

Today is food bank day. It's a new program just for our small area. They do it every Tues and Thurs of the month until food runs out. You can only get food once a month, but I see some people every time we go. They just fill out different addresses, etc. Not fair but oh well. I'm just glad to get some little things to fill in.

It's so nice that our little community has this. OH, and the die hard food bank 'shoppers' were telling me about all the OTHER places to get food and how to 'scam' the system. Ugh! Bad thing last time was listening to one gal tell another what to put on the 'application' and had to tell her WHICH zip code to write down for this location. You have to LIVE in this zip code to qualify but they aren't allowed to ask for any ID. Makes it easy to cheat. Really not fair to take advantage.

They drive up in big SUV's and expensive cars and walk away with more stuff then they are entitled to. (You can claim up to 6 in a family and they all seem to claim 6 of course. I claim 1) Oh well, Karma will get them eventually.

Sometimes they run out of food before the month ends. Going today to see if they are closed. My day is first Tuesday of next month. If they are out today, I will delay a week next month so the line won't be halfway back to my house! Took 2 1/2 hours in line this month. I'm so thankful for all the stuff I've gotten and have been making oatmeal cookies all month with my 'goodies'. My neighbor and I 'trade' stuff. I get what he doesn't like and vice versa, and of course I got extra oatmeal from him so I could make cookies for HIM. rotfl
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#890466 - 05/28/13 12:44 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42053
Loc: Alabama
Evelyne, no problem as long as they will take Monopoly money whistle

Sorta, good luck getting the stuff you need. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#890472 - 05/28/13 01:19 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13510
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Busy day here but wanted to stop by and wish everybody a wonderful day! Still looking for Spring and sun and warm temps. We just can not get out of the 40's here by the lake.

Evelyne glad that you and hubby have made it safely! HUGS! Hope mom is doing well.

L4l prayers for the Band around you and hubby as you head out traveling tomorrow. Have a safe trip and a fun time!

wave
Nan

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