I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.
The ski season is finally here. This list of exercises will help you get ready...
- Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - RIGHT NOW!
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and IMMEDIATELY THROW ONE AWAY!
- Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket, get on a motorcycle and ride fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip onto your clothes.
- Slam your thumb in a car door and don't bother to go see a doctor.
* Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until you're ready for the real thing!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~You know you're really broke when...
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.
Long distance companies don't call you to switch anymore.
You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
Your bologna has no first name.
You give blood everyday... just for the orange juice.
Sally Struther's sends you food.
McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
At communion you go back for seconds.
You wash your toilet paper.
You have to save up to be poor.
You're in college.
On thanksgiving your dad would bring home a picture of a thanksgiving meal.
You owe yourself money.
You are sterilizing your urine for reconsumption.
Your imaginary friend has more money than you.
We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like...
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as "The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.
I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:
(Check those that apply)
___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.
___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.
___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!
___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.
___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.
___You have a hairy back.
___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.
___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.
___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.
___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.
___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm here, you're here.
You're happy to see me. I'm happy to see me.
It's a happy day already.
See how this works?
You're going to happily go about your business today.
I'm going to work.
It was going so well there for a minute.
I think maybe I think too much...........I think.
I think I'll quit thinking and go to dreaming.
Have a good one everyone.