His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~The Tooth Fairy
Thank you for leaving [ ] tooth/teeth under your pillow last night.
While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:
( ) the tooth could not be found
( ) it was not a human tooth
( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny
( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor
( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash
( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you
( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails
( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for appropriate action
( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy
( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received
( ) the tooth is still in your mouth
( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit
( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit
( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing
( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:
[ ] string
[ ] pliers
[ ] gunpowder
[ ] hammer marks
[ ] chisel
[ ] part of skull attached to tooth
[ ] no dental care
( ) other reason
Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you. Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.
The Tooth Fairy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Blind Date Ditch
Blind dates are just plain scary, but it gets a lot worse when you meet them and discover they are far from even the most meager of hopes you had for them to be what you wanted. Here's some tips on how to get rid of them, fast!
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about himself/herself.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs. If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/ hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask them "What took you so long in the bathroom?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at neighboring tables for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up periodically throughout the meal.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. You'll need to be extra persuasive in fancier restaurants with linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets and relatives.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, w with a good view of all exits, and where your back will be facing a wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Stare at your date's neck and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Sacrifice French fries to a Pagon god.
Discretely fill your pockets with sugar packets, napkins, salt shakers, silverware, floral arrangements, etc...
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally.
Attempt to auction your date off to people nearby.
After getting your food slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the first one back on your plate.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments about it.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy and tape the conversation. Later use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Occasionally speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Tell your date, "They need to air out."
Order for your date. Order more food then he/she can possible eat. Tell them they "must eat it all or suffer the consequences."
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say, "Man, did you get ripped off!"
Bring twenty candles with you to the restaurant. During the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Refuse to speak to your date. Request that they mime the conversation instead.
During dinner guard your plate with your fork and steak knife. Give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, reaching for it.
Collect all of the salt shakers from tables surrounding yours. Use them to build a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Proudly explain to your date that you were voted "Most Festerous" in your high school yearbook. Give examples of why it was appropriate.
Read a newspaper, book or listen to a book on tape during the meal.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces.
Insist that the waiter take one bite from everything served to you. Explain that you need to make sure no one has poisoned your food.
Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend you have a secret microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Good morning everyboomie.
It's day two of two, or 2 of 2 if you prefer.
I prefer day 2 of 10 but oh well.
Yesterday we went to a new location to hunt, and it turned out to be a not so good hunting ground.
I came back home, and went to the creek with Baby, and found nothing but heartache and disappointment, and three snakes.
One snake was dead and being eaten by another one, which disappeared in deep water when I tried to hit it.
I think I must have walked right over it getting down to the water.
The other snake was dead, after I left.
I may not go to the creek again for a while.
Then again I may go today.
Have a happy day everyone.