I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright
Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.
A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.
The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''
The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''
Sending The Bill
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a group of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Um, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, Who was that
It was Bob the next door neighbor, she replies.
Great, the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me? Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest apologized, Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory. Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lesson #3:
A sales representative, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, I'll give each of you just one wish.
Me first! Me first! says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Puff! She's gone.
Me next! Me next! says the sales representative. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Puff! He's gone.
OK, you're up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch. Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.
Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story:
BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm sitting here watching the two hour premier of Falling Skies, that I recorded last night, so I could get to bed early, and I'm running late getting there tonight.
I need to be at Taps-Lights Out
by zero 20 hundred hours. That's 8:00pm for you civies out there.
It's nice to be able to zip through the commercials.................that's when I remember I can zip through them.
I really wish I could do like my dad did when he wanted to go to sleep. He had a trick to it. What he did was ......he closed his eyes man and he was OUT like a light.
The man would just close his eyes and he was asleep.
I think that's the basic difference between myself, and a man with a clean conscience.
They say that ignorance is bliss.
My sister sure seems to sleep ok.
Hmm that's a tongue twister.
Have a happy day everyone.