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#895239 - 06/17/13 11:41 PM Two's Day
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29943
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in
Washington. The bride is concerned, and asks, "What if
the place is still bugged?"

The groom says, "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind
the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug. Finally,
he says, "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four
screws. He gets his Swiss army knife, unscrews the
screws, throws them and the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the
newlyweds, "How was your room? How was the service?
How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"

The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"

The hotel manager says, "Well, the couple in the room
UNDER you complained that the chandelier fell on
them."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig. "That animal saved my life twice," he said. "Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank. Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids."

The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal. One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.

"Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?" he asks.

"Neither. An animal like that you don't eat all at once!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It [blip] near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a [blip] he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing.

The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog.

Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."
~~~~~~~~~~

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

lol Well kiss my grits.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``

Tried in a hostile town, a guy didn't think he had a chance of getting off a murder charge, so shortly before the jury retired he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of the lesser crime of manslaughter.

The jury was out for over three days before eventually returning a verdict of manslaughter. The relieved defendant collared the bribed juror and said: "Thanks. How ever did you manage it?"

"It wasn't easy," admitted the juror. "All the others wanted to acquit you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.

The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to my nightmare.

Not sure which is worse, my nightmare (living in SE Oklahoma with my Mom and sister), or my daymare (working at Lowe's in SE Oklahoma.....while living with my Mom and sister). crazy

What was that quote about cynics?

I'm kidding.

I am an incredibly fortunate person and count my blessings every day.

I love my Mother and my sister..........................despite what she smells like. wink

I don't actually have a sense of smell, just a sense of right and wrong.


It was so wrong for those people to leave her on our doorstep when she was a baby. shame


Ok I don't know when to stop. slapforehead


All joking aside.


Have a happy day everyone. thumbsup


Edited by gymcandy1 (06/17/13 11:44 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#895250 - 06/18/13 02:31 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7479
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers,have all a great day. smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#895253 - 06/18/13 02:53 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6008
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula wave I;m putting the coffee on! Wishing you all a happy day puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#895255 - 06/18/13 03:27 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: cailyn]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning Joe, Haroula, Sue and everybody coming in after me...

Just got back my PC from PC-Doc. I got a virus or somesuch a few weeks ago and couldn't get rid of it and over a week ago PC crashed because of the virus/worm/trojan or whatever it was. It started with embedded Ads and everytime my curser accidentally rolled over such an embedded ad, a new one started. Day before the crashing I couldn't use Websites any more because they were full of those embedded ads. A horror, I tell you. Then the crash and then the PC Doc wagging his finger at me... I swear I don't know where I got this bl(eep) virus. It is called "Happy Lyrics" by the way and I tell you in earnest: keep away from any programm that's called Happy Lyrics! PC-Doc thinks that I got it with downloading ad-ons from my browser.

So, I'am back, and I'am happy being back!

We have a heatwave here in Switzerland. Temps round 98F during the day and 78F during night. I know, I know, we waited for summer and the hot temps a long time, but.... but.... this is too hot for me!

Wishing you cooler temps and a great day!

Smooches from Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#895258 - 06/18/13 03:58 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16861
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Haroula, Cailyn and Gimli. You all enjoy your Tuseday. Thanks for the coffee Sue! Hope you're feeling better. summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#895275 - 06/18/13 06:35 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14236
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Haroula, happy day!

Sue, coffee sounds wonderful this morning!

Evelyne, so glad your computer is up and running again. Pretty warm weather. Stay cool.

Gerry, have a good day.

School is out. Yay! Maybe a trip to Pet Co this afternoon. Put a small crack in my fish tank cleaning it.
_________________________
Gail

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#895282 - 06/18/13 07:05 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7979
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone.
I think we will take a trip to the beach today. There's a plant nursery there that has some plants we can't get anywhere else. We'll browse the shops and have lunch too. We would walk the beach, but it's too hot now. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, French Toast, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#895327 - 06/18/13 09:47 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64448
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Hi Ho Hi Ho, it's off to dance I go. Sam and I are headed to Salsa Funk class. I need to get away from house chores for a bit. See you all in a few!

Have a happy day!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#895329 - 06/18/13 09:58 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9298
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Happy Two's Day to you too!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#895332 - 06/18/13 10:31 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: Darlene]
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29943
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

I'm on my way out the door. happydance

I hope you all have a great day. thumbsup

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#895333 - 06/18/13 10:36 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13519
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe may work fly and go well. Thanks for the chuckles.

Haroula have a lovely day!

Cailyn thanks for the coffee. Hope you are feeling better now. How's the campground going??

Evelyne I'll send you some of our cool for a little of your heat. Just a little though cause I too do nit like those high temps. We been in the upper 40F's to lower 50F's the last couple days!

So glad that you have your PC back now. I just do not understand why somebody has to spend their time trying to shut down other peoples computers. That is just sad and oh so wrong!!!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Gail bet the girls are happy, happy!!! Hope you can find something for the crack! Have a lovely day!

Connie have fun at the beach!! Thanks for the danish!

Ana have fun at class with Sam!! Glad you can take a little break for all that scrapping and painting!!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#895337 - 06/18/13 10:58 AM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42077
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

I was horribly lazy this morning when hubby nudged me. I mumbled something incomprehensible and put my pillow back over my head and went back to sleep. Bad me!

But I'm up now...smoothies made....dogs fed! I do have to do some laundry today, but my goal for the day is to do Nothing! I need some down time.

Depending on how the day goes, we may get to the new Superman movie tonight. Son's job is always unpredictable so we shall see.

Joe, loved the Einstein joke!

Eeeek Evelyne, I've had that happen in spite of the fact that I'm super careful. I'm glad you are back and hope that soon it will be cooler for you (and me).

wave to all puppy

Hmmmm just read that if you are allergic to ragweed, eating honey dew or cantaloupe can cause your body to react. Guess what was in my smoothie this morning? rotfl Darn allergies!


Edited by looney4labs (06/18/13 11:45 AM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#895383 - 06/18/13 02:35 PM Re: Two's Day [Re: looney4labs]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Hello again Boomerfriends

I survived a very hot day, need a shower now and then it's pillow time for me.

Nan: approx half the heat we had today I've sent to your place. Put on your sunglasses and wait till it arrives at the great Lakes. kissy... and enjoy thumbsup

Looney: I was super careful too. You can have 5 firewalls and 10 antivirus and 20 spam filter and adblocks and whatnot and they get you nonetheless. Bad people out there!
Take care!

Good night everybody (it's 8.34 p.m. here). This girl is soooo tired. See you tomorrow.

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#895398 - 06/18/13 03:20 PM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42077
Loc: Alabama
Yes, Evelyne, there are. And it is so aggravating. We never did discover where my evil virus came from but since it made me buy a new computer, I almost never download anything anymore.

Sweet dreams sleep
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#895414 - 06/18/13 04:43 PM Re: Two's Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9408
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Liked the pizza joke Joe. thumbsup
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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