The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
A guy with a Doberman pinscher asks his friend who has a Chihuahua if he wants to grab a bite to eat.
The man with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go into a restaurant. We've got dogs with us."
"Just follow my lead," assures the other man.
They walk over to the restaurant and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses before entering.
When he gets inside, the doorman says, "Sorry sir, no pets allowed."
To which the man replies, "It's OK, this is my seeing eye dog."
"A Doberman?" the confused host asks.
"Yes, they're using them now. They're really quite good."
The host shrugs and says, "Come on in."
Next, the guy with the Chihuahua decides to give it a try, so he puts on his sunglasses and walks in.
The host stops him immediately and says, "Sorry guy, no pets allowed."
"You don't understand. This is my seeing eye dog," the man replies.
The host says, "Oh, come on, a Chihuahua?"
At which point the man yells, "They gave me a Chihuahua?!"
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".
The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".
The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?
There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ?an`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
After receiving His son`s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Good morning everyboomie.
It's a new day here in Oklahoma.
Is it a new day where ya'll are, or is it still yesterday?
It looks just the same here as yesterday morning did, but I know it's a new day because yesterday my sister was here, and today she's not.
I thought maybe mom had found her a new home, and gave her away, but no, her friend got married, and my sister is house sitting for her.
I hope she doesn't fall off in her sleep.
You see? I really do care for her.
Have a super new day everyone.