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#897209 - 06/26/13 11:22 PM Thump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29942
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.
Mahatma Gandhi
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt... one button at a time. No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps...

He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Irish Nut House

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave.

This year the two lucky gents were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for his questioning. When Patty came into the office he was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor.

"Patty you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin.

Patty nodded and the doctor began to question him. The first question was this. "Patty if I was to poke out one of your eyes what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that he had just gotten his freedom. The doctor then sent him outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.

When Patty got into the waiting room however, he told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were.

The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told. This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking.

"Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.

But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.
"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.
"He was 95 years old", answers the man.
"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".
"Because his parachute didn't open".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

How are we all doing this morning? happydance

If anyone knows how I'm doing please send me an email asap, ok? razz

If I don't hear from anybody in the hour, I'll risk looking in the mirror. scared

Maybe it won't break this time. lol

No really I'm doing good. thumbsup

Good and tired. Good and hungry. wink

Actually I'm so happy I'm beside myself.

It made my sister faint dead away. woot

She thought I was twins.

Y'all have a happy day.

joe



Edited by gymcandy1 (06/27/13 09:13 AM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#897219 - 06/27/13 02:29 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7479
Loc: Greece
Wishing everyone a nice and happy day. happydance wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#897224 - 06/27/13 03:53 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16861
Loc: Marlborough USA
summer Good Morning Joe and Haroula. Sure is quiet in the Diner this morning. Cailyn coffee is ready. Wishing everyone a Happy Day! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#897246 - 06/27/13 06:52 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7979
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Not sure what the day will bring yet. To all here and all who follow, have a Super Thump Day. Danish, French Toast, and Fruit Cups in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#897257 - 06/27/13 08:36 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14235
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, have a great day!

Haroula, happy day is wished.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee. Where is everyone?

Connie, a super Thump day to you also.

Got a lab appointment this morning then stopping at Wal Mart. Good day is wished to All! cat
_________________________
Gail

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#897261 - 06/27/13 08:50 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14567
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning all. Thanks Joe for your funny openers. Morning Haroula, Gerry, Connie, and all who follows me in the diner today. Oh Connie, can I have one of those fruit cups pleaseandthankyou? I love fruit cups. Well,I have to go to work for 5:00 this afternoon. Also I have to make an appointment to have a procedure done. Not looking forward to it but I need to have it done.

So, have a great day everyone. Please don't forget to exercise.

Midgie hearts happydance dance woot summer USA

edit: Ooops, Sorry Gail I didn't see you there.


Edited by Midge (06/27/13 08:52 AM)
_________________________
Just do it.

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#897271 - 06/27/13 09:11 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21107
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Happy Thump Day Joe, Haroula, Gerry, Connie, Gail, Midge and everyone else that makes it up today..looking forward to decompress this weekend.

L4L hearts

Take care and have a wonderful day!

Whoosh... wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#897284 - 06/27/13 09:55 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: soot]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9298
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and Happy Super Thump Day toooooooo yooooouuuuuuu!!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#897291 - 06/27/13 10:20 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64448
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe, Darlene, soot, Midgie, Gail, Connie, Gerry and Haroula!

I am still feeling like a freight train ran over me and I am moving at the speed of a sloth. lol

I'll be in the corner all day but need to get a quick grocery run in there when I feel like I can actually muster the energy. I also need to mow the lawn since it's clipping pickup in the morning.

Have a happy day!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#897293 - 06/27/13 10:35 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13519
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the laughs!! Enjoy your second of two days off!! Happy hunting.

Haroula have a lovely day!!

Gerry you were up too early to be too busy! lol Have a lovely day!

Connie I just know that something fun will pop up to do!! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Gail don't feed that vampire too much. lol May the results all be good!! Have a lovely day!

Aw Midge, HUGS! You can do it!! Have a lovely day!



Soot only one more after today! May work go well and fly!

Darlene May work fly and everything go smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

Ana sorry you are still not well. HUGS! is not suprising though with all the "burning the candle at both ends" that you have been doing lately with the wedding and all. Prayers that you begin to feel better soonest!

wave
Nan

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#897306 - 06/27/13 12:51 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42069
Loc: Alabama
Thumping Good Thursday to all ya'll puppy

Wow, it's been a busy morning. Up and out of the house early to walk the dogs. Good thing we got up cos it was sooooooo humid and it will only be worse as the day goes. Then home for our normal morning routine.

Supper is in the crock pot and smoothie and dinner planned for tomorrow. I had just finished cleaning up and cutting my watermelon to snack on, was ready to come down and sip and surf for a bit, and daughter called.

Usually her calls are quick, but this one was over an hour and I cannot carry on a sensible conversation and post at the same time. So, here I am wave

Soot kissy

Ana, hugs!

Not sure what I'm going to do now....something will occur to me in a minute I'm sure. confused

Back later puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#897342 - 06/27/13 03:39 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9406
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
I liked the grasshopper joke joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#897345 - 06/27/13 03:53 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7479
Loc: Greece
sleep wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#897348 - 06/27/13 04:04 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2026
Loc: Lexington, Texas
Wow it's hot and going to get hotter according to reports. The brain thinks it's still Spring........wakeupwakeup.

And worse of all this is one of those days I'm eating everything in sight. Lookout food. It's down to frozen green beans now. Tomorrow I'll be in little Lexington town and can get some fruit there.

And puppy is shedding all over the house. A great big garden spider emerged from under this desk and was dragging a dog hair dust bunny. It was kinda funny........."Oh are you doing some housework for me? Well go for it" Lotsa those garden spiders around here. I just catch them and other slither-ers in a special plastic shoe box and put them in their favorite tree outdoors.

Yesterday I hit my 1st impasse with Metro game. Video walkthrough saved the day but it took awhile to simmer down. I forgive you game. Same group that produced Halo. And concerning Halo I might get Halo 2 if it's still available for PC. I don't have an X Box. If I threw out some stuff there might be room for one.

L4L take care in that heat.

bye all
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#897372 - 06/27/13 05:40 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42069
Loc: Alabama
Yankee, I hate days when nothing I eat satisfies. What kind of puppy? did I miss it?

I'm off to lie down for a sec...tummy has decided it wants to go to bed. Back in a few wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#897388 - 06/27/13 07:19 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Yankee Clipper Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/27/04
Posts: 2026
Loc: Lexington, Texas
A puppy would be fun but no puppy. I call my 6 year old doggy puppy sometimes. She still plays like a pup.
_________________________
I wish I were a cat and belonged to me ~ My Aunt Helen Mary Rose

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#897411 - 06/27/13 09:39 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14567
Loc: Massachusetts
Thanks Nan for your support. I needed that.

Time to think about finding my pillow. See you in the morning.

Midgie hearts sleep
_________________________
Just do it.

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#897417 - 06/27/13 10:11 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42069
Loc: Alabama
Yankee, I call all my dogs puppies or babies too. I just thought you had a new baby and I'd missed it.

Night Midgy, sleep well.

Poor hubby finally got home from work. Long day for him. But dinner was waiting, dogs were fed, kitchen was cleaned, and now it's time for bed. Sweet dreams all sleep
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#897430 - 06/27/13 10:44 PM Re: Thump Day [Re: looney4labs]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9298
Loc: Southern California
wave

Home, fed, NCIS'd....

Off to see what's afoot!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#897448 - 06/28/13 12:18 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Online   content
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13519
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Time here to head for bed. Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!

sleep
Nan

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#897451 - 06/28/13 12:56 AM Re: Thump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64448
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Sweet dreams Nan and all...I am puzzled out as well and will head off to bed. sleep
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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