If you want to make people weep, you must weep yourself. If you want to make people laugh, your face must remain serious. cool
Giovanni Jacopo Casanova
A blonde had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too [blip] close" embroidered on her panties and bra.
"Yes Madame," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?"
"Braille," she replied.
10 best excuses when you get caught falling
asleep on your desk:
10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
3. "The coffee machine is broken..."
2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...
1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.
A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
Good morning Good morning Good morning!
It is officially the day after the day before today.
That's the one I've been waiting for.
Well actually it's not.
The one I've been waiting for is the day after the day before tomorrow.
Sorry, I get confused.
Sometimes I forget to take my meds.
Please don't tell anyone. It took me a very long time to shake the guys in the white lab coats.
I don't want them to find me.
I might not mind it if they would let me out on weekends to head hunt.
Have a happy day everybody.
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers