A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"
Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.
He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...
The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"
The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."
Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."
A motorist was being bogged down in a muddy road, and had to pay a farmer a undred dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer: "With these prices, you should be pulling people out of the mud night and day!".
"I can't", replied the farmer, "At night I haul water for the hole".
Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii". So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentelman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii"?
The gentelman said, "Havaii".
So they both looked at each other, and as the gentelman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you".
The gentelman replied and said: "Your'e velcome"!
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.
Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He keeps taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing.
He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain.
So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.
The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said, "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you."
"However, try this and gives him one tablet of Viagra."
So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"
The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."
Good morning everyboomie.
Alright it's been a tough first two days of the week, but we finally made it to Hump day.
Just gotta get through three more days to get to the weekend. WOO HOO!
I am so ready for a day off.
HELP MR WIZZARD! I don't want to be a working adult anymore.
Y'all all have a happy day, K?