Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.
"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.
Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?"
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT OR I'LL PULL YOUR WINGS OFF!!!!"
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
Two old friends, who hadn't seen each other in fifteen years, met for lunch one day, to catch up.
"I got married and my husband just bought me a 24K gold necklace," said the first woman.
"That's nice," said the second.
"And he bought me a Mercedes sports car for our anniversary."
"And he bought me a house along the beach for my birthday."
"I heard you were married and went through a messy divorce - what did your husband get for you while you were together?"
"He sent me to finishing school."
"What did you learn at finishing school?"
"To say 'that's nice' when listening to a bore'"
Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.
Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".
Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Good morning everyone.
Your friendly neighborhood diner dude here.
I got home about two hours ago, and my sleeping pills are singing me a lullaby, so I'll make this short.
How do micro-organisms communicate with each other?
Have a happy day everybody.