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#900611 - 07/11/13 11:13 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30060
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus (121 AD - 180 AD),
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A group of Americans are touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: "The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accomodation is dreadful..."

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," their guide says. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouts. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide says, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone?" the woman scoffs.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide responds. "But I have sat on it."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.

"I can't do that, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."

"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."

"Alright, we could get a blood sample."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."

"Fine then, just walk this white line."

"Can't do that either, occifer."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. I can hear better now than I ever could."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

So the guy puts the ladder up, gets the bat and the shotgun and walks towards the ladder. As he gets to the base of the ladder, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I normally don't like to use the F word when I'm working on Saturday, but what the heck.

IT'S FRIDAYYYYYY!! smile

I'm happy for everyone who isn't working.

shame no

L


O


L... lol

It puts me one day closer to Sunday when it will indeed be sunny, and I will be off & trying to avoid being out in it for 1 fleeting day off. razz

oops I used another F word.

If I keep using the F words I'll have to change the name of this place to The Dirty Diner. blush

Have a happy day everyone. dance


Edit;

Oops, yeah it's still me........joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (07/11/13 11:17 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#900614 - 07/11/13 11:31 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65213
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
You know you give me gray hair some days Joe. lol

I am glad you are getting closer to your day off. yay I'll be in the corner. I'm running out of snacks so feed me please. rotfl I had a smoothie for breakfast and dinner yesterday because I had no time to make anything to eat.

Have a wonderful day!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#900615 - 07/11/13 11:35 PM Re: TGIF [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9577
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great Friday Joe, Ana, and all the my fellow Boomers.
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#900639 - 07/12/13 03:08 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7810
Loc: Greece
Have a great Friday Joe, Ana, S.Q.F and all who follow later. smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#900641 - 07/12/13 03:19 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65213
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Have a great day also SpaceQ and Haroula.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#900646 - 07/12/13 04:57 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17305
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, and Haroula. Boy you all are up late. Coffee is ready. Have a great day everyone! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#900652 - 07/12/13 06:08 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5496
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#900658 - 07/12/13 06:44 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8116
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. L4L, I hope your feeling better this morning. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish, Omelets, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#900660 - 07/12/13 07:04 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14560
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope work turns out enjoyable today. lol

Ana, wishing you an easy corner day.

Space, good morning.

Haroula, good day.

Gerry, I'm in need of coffee. Thanks.

Venus, good day wished at work.

Connie, Danish sounds yummy this morning.

Hard to make plans around here lately. Sun shines then it rains then the sun shines again. It's a fifty-fifty chance on the weather. woozy
_________________________
Gail

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#900680 - 07/12/13 10:01 AM Re: TGIF [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9401
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Friday goes easy peasy!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#900683 - 07/12/13 10:06 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 11740
Loc: Scotland
Hello Boomers! Hope you are all keeping well!

Another hot and clammy day here, don't really want to complain as the last couple of summers have been a complete washout but I can't tolerate this heat...good news is it's to be a few degrees cooler over the weekend and into next week which will suit me fine as I have to start baking again!

Trying to decide what to have for tea, definitely something no-cook...probably settle for cold chicken wraps with salad.

Have a great day guys!

Mary hearts
_________________________
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

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#900692 - 07/12/13 10:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13691
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Well I must be off and running this morning. Have a funeral and dentist appointment and they might over lap but no biggie!!

Joe only one after today!! Thanks for the chuckles.

Ana you surely are running on little sleep. Hope the corner is kind!

Haroula, Space, Gerry, Connie, Gail, venus, Mary and Darlene may you have a lovely day and everything go smoothly!!

wave
Nan

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#900694 - 07/12/13 10:49 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65213
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Nan, sorry you have a double dose of bad things today. sad Hope both go well.

Mary, I will gladly trade you heat for the mild summer we are having. I actually miss the hot days.

Darlene, safe whooshing!

Gail, I hope today is nothing but sunshine for you!

Connie, how is hubby doing?

Venus, have a great day!

Gerry, hope all is well by you. hearts

Sue...missing you! Did I scare you in the corner this morning?

I am escaping for an hour today with the dogs for some much needed walking and fresh air. Other than that, it's a corner day.

Ana
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#900703 - 07/12/13 12:04 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7286
Loc: San Diego, CA
New day new fun. The 'for rent' sign on the house that was suddenly empty is down now. Was up, then down, then up again and now down again. Might see some action over there soon. Hope the new people are good neighbors.
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WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#900704 - 07/12/13 12:08 PM Re: TGIF [Re: Sorta Blonde]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
wave

Hot hot hot summer

Cold Melon and cold ham for supper duh and then sleep

Sorry, it's too hot to talk thumbsdown

L4L. I hope you feel better today kissy

kissy for you all

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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