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#903032 - 07/22/13 07:34 PM Toosday Joe's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29908
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Winston Churchill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two guys were sitting in a bar getting really drunk. After awhile,
just drinking gets boring, so the first guy looks at the second guy
and says, "Hey, you want to go up for a ride in my airplane?"

The second guy says, "Wow, you have an airplane? Let's go!"

So they get some more beer and go for a tour around the city in the
plane. Eventually they get bored with this too, so they decide to
land. The drunk pilot starts circling around looking for a place to
land, and he sees an airstrip close by. He says his new buddy along
for the ride, "Let's land here. It looks like it's as good a place as
any."

So he circles around and goes in for a landing, but at the last
minute he swerves and pulls back up. "MAN!!!" he says, "That is the
SHORTEST runway I have ever seen! How is anyone supposed to
land on it?" But since it's the only runway nearby, he decides to try
again, with the same result.

Getting pretty irritated, the pilot says to his friend, "All right,
I'm going to try ONE more time, and if I can't land it we're just
going to crash and hope we don't die." So they end up crashing, and
miraculously neither is hurt.

When they crawl out of the wreckage, the first guy is swears
and gesticulates wildly at the runway. "I'm gonna find whoever
designed this crazy runway and wring his neck! He must be total moron!
No one could land on anything that short!"

The second guy looks around and says "Yeah, but look how wide it
is!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sending Telegrams


* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."

* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."

* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."

* And the most famous of them all...

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better".
The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"
The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake "You are not getting older at the top You are getting better at the bottom"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The eight Saddam body doubles are gathered in one of the bunkers in downtown Baghdad. Tariq Aziz, the deputy prime minister, comes in and says, "I have some good news and some bad news." They ask for the good news first.

Aziz says, 'The good news is that Saddam is still alive, so you all still have jobs."
"And the bad news?" they ask.

Aziz replies, "He's lost an arm."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Oh happy day. yay

I am off Wednesday and Thursday, so I'm thinking I probably won't go to work on those two days. yes

That makes today Friday for me. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! penguin

shocked There are two birds in the tree outside my window that are making out, and fondling each other. Good grief!

GET A NEST FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! mad

Sorry, I don't like looking at their little peckers. rolleyes

If they were Love birds it might be different.

Sorry, where was I?
I completely missed the big anniversary we had over the weekend. Did you guys catch it?

The 44th anniversary of the conspiracy of putting a man on the moon?

I think if that had really happened, they would have brought the man in the moon back, and jailed him for non payment of taxes for the last 4 billion years.

As Homer would say.......{{{DOH}}} slapforehead

Have a happy day y'all.

joe


_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#903041 - 07/22/13 08:35 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64286
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Oh Joe...some days I just can't keep up with your train of thoughts. rotfl

Happy Friday to you my friend.

Today is a corner day and a bike ride and run with the dogs. yay

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#903057 - 07/22/13 09:55 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9268
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! You make me laugh out loud! Thank you! Hope your Toosday is terrific!! And your Friday! smile

Hey, Ana! Hope you are feeling better from your mishap! Enjoy your bike ride and run with your sweet dogs!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Monday evening for me....

Daughter's boyfriend has been working out of town for the last year, coming home only on weekends. Well, his company now has him working locally and he was able to move home over the weekend. Daughter is ecstatic, to say the least. Daughter, boyfriend, his parents, and Hubby and I are all going out for sushi on Wednesday to celebrate! It's good to have him home! hearts

So.

To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#903058 - 07/22/13 10:15 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64286
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
That is awesome news Darlene! yay I hope that he can stay working in the area.
I am doing okay, much better than I thought I was going to.

I found out I took 3rd place in my age group. yay That's not bad considering I was a few months away from the next age bracket and I would have been first. lol
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#903060 - 07/22/13 10:18 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14550
Loc: Massachusetts
Oh Darlene that's such good news. I'm so happy for your sweet daughter. Give her a hug from me please. See you on the flip side.
Ana have a great bike ride and give your puppies a hug from me please.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#903061 - 07/22/13 10:19 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9351
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
praise Ana bravo

Have a great Tuesday everyone. smile
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#903075 - 07/23/13 02:34 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7373
Loc: Greece
Good morning everyone,have a great day. wave happydance
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#903085 - 07/23/13 05:15 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16754
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Darlene, SpaceQ, Midgie, and Haroula. Coffee is ready. Enjoy your day everyone! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#903090 - 07/23/13 06:10 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5325
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#903093 - 07/23/13 06:34 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7946
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Took Buddy to the vet yesterday for a lump on his back upper leg. The news was good. It's a fatty tumor and doesn't need to be removed. Today we will go to the store to get parts so hubby can fix the leaky bathroom facet. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Waffles, and French Toast in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#903140 - 07/23/13 09:20 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 11720
Loc: Scotland
Hello everyone! Hope you are all well!

Woke to thunderstorm this morning but it was relatively mild here unlike the rest of the country...didn't have to hide under the bed after all! lol

One cake down, to be collected this evening, and another one on the go for our grandson Kieran's 18th birthday tomorrow! 18, yikes! I feel old! Friday will be spent baking mini cupcakes for his party on Saturday, so looking forward to that...will be a gathering of the clans!

Have a great day guys!

Mary hearts
_________________________
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

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#903152 - 07/23/13 10:29 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64286
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! We had a doozy of a storm last night that dropped buckets of much needed rain. There were a few points I actually got up to look out the window because I was convinced the house would blow or float away.

Sorta, when you come in, I saw this and thought of you feeding your outdoorsies with the racoons: Racoon and kitties

Midgie, puppies have been hugged and your BB pancake plate is empty so I assume you found it. Although I did notice a few diners smelling of maple syrup but I won't name names. lol

SpaceQ, thanks! grin Have a great day!

Haroula, Gerry, Venus have a happy day!

Sue, hope all is well.

Connie, glad Buddy is okay. Merlin has a lot of them too.

Mary, glad you got to sleep on the top of the bed. grin Happy birthday to Kiernan! Time flies!
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#903158 - 07/23/13 10:59 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
my10rugrats Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 08/05/06
Posts: 3333
Loc: kansas
those fatty tumors can grow. our one dog has some and had one on his left leg at the joint. it got so big we had to have it removed.hope everyone is having a good day. we went and bought a bushell of peaches last week and froze 17 quart bags full. now i go one freezer filling up with fresh fruit.

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#903162 - 07/23/13 11:17 AM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11342
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

Ouch Ana. Years ago, Bill fell off a loading dock, landed on his tailbone on a pipe that was sticking up. Very sore for a long time. Sat on a donut pillow. Nothing they can do about that.
We could use some of that rain Ana.

Connie our first Corgi had a fatty tumor under her leg and we had to have it removed.

Hi Mary. We love a good thunderstorm. Taught Susie to love em also.

Hi Midgie, whatcha up to today? Working?

Hi Darlene. How is CA?

Hey there Harcoula, Space Quest, Gerry, My 10, Venus.

Joe, are you being a peeping tom, watching the birds? shame lol

Just made a trip to the bank and am through going out today. Last hot day, then it is supposed to get cooler. Sure could use some rain though. Not gonna happen.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#903179 - 07/23/13 12:07 PM Re: Toosday Joe's [Re: flutist]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Ha! How appropriate. Today is my Toothday (not Toosday). I bit on a nut shell and now I have toothache woozy

Good morning and afternoon Boomies kissy

This is flyby because I have to lie down after taking a painkiller. Hope your day stays Toos... and not Tooth.... luck

See you tomorrow. Love!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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