Life is a long lesson in humility.
James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937)
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"
The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.
Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"
The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"
"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"
An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a [blip] cheap one, too."
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There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.
He loved money more than just about anything.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.
He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"
She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.
"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?
"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."
Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman
Things Not To Say In Bed
1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. Can you please try breathing through your nose.
6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
7. Darling, did you lock the back door?
8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.
9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is....... today
10. Can you pass me the remote control?
11. Do you accept Visa?
12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.
13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.
15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'?
17. But I just brushed my teeth...
18. Smile, you're on candid camera!
19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!
20. I want a baby!
21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!
23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
24. When is this supposed to feel good?
25. Did I remember to take my pill?
26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?
29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.
31. This would be more fun with a few more people.
32. You're almost as good as my ex!
33. You look younger than you feel.
34. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
35. Now I know why she dumped you...
36. Does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?
37. Have you ever considered liposuction?
38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..
41. Does this count as a date?
42. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
42. When would you like to meet my parents?
43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"?
44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.
45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.
46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.
47. Sorry but I don't do toes.
48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it!
49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.
50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!
Good morning everyboomie.
I will do three days worth of work today.
It's Friday, but since my weekend is over it's Monday for me, but since I'm off Monday and Tuesday, it's also Wednesday.
Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.
Einstein would call that Quantum physics. Being in three places at once and at three different times.
As Elvis would say, "That's crazy man."
Of course my heart will be some place else altogether, and also in my heart my sister would be some place ELSE altogether.
See how this worx?
I really like this quantum stuff.
Ok, I've gotta go quantify some sleep, because at 3:30 in the morning I'm gonna want to stay exactly where I am.
Have a happy day everyone.