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#903743 - 07/25/13 07:14 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30115
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Life is a long lesson in humility.
James M. Barrie (1860 - 1937)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."

The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"

"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"

The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.

Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"

The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"

"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old guy and his son had a one-mule farm where they eked out a living. One day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000. He rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home, where he told his father the good news, and handed him $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford a license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the son exclaims, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Sure do," said the old guy fingering the fifty-dollar bill. "And a [blip] cheap one, too."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


-"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.

He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.

"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."

Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things Not To Say In Bed

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. Can you please try breathing through your nose.

6. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.

7. Darling, did you lock the back door?

8. But whipped cream makes me break out in a rash.

9. person 1: This is your first time...right? person 2: It is....... today

10. Can you pass me the remote control?

11. Do you accept Visa?

12. On second thoughts, let's turn off the lights.

13. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend.

15. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

16. Try not to smear my make-up, will you'?

17. But I just brushed my teeth...

18. Smile, you're on candid camera!

19. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs?!

20. I want a baby!

21. So much for the fulfilment of sexual fantasies!

23. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

24. When is this supposed to feel good?

25. Did I remember to take my pill?

26. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

27. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.

28. Did I tell you my aunt Martha died in this bed?

29. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

30. No, really.. I do this part better myself.

31. This would be more fun with a few more people.

32. You're almost as good as my ex!

33. You look younger than you feel.

34. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

35. Now I know why she dumped you...

36. Does your husband own a sawed off shot-gun?

37. Have you ever considered liposuction?

38. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

39. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

40. I'll tell you I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about..

41. Does this count as a date?

42. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

42. When would you like to meet my parents?

43. Have you seen "fatal attraction"?

44. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not to good with names.

45. Don't mind me... I always file my nails in bed.

46. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a doberman.

47. Sorry but I don't do toes.

48. You could at least act like you're enjoying it!

49. Keep the noise down, my mother is a light sleeper.

50. I've slept with more women than Casanova!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. wave

I will do three days worth of work today.

It's Friday, but since my weekend is over it's Monday for me, but since I'm off Monday and Tuesday, it's also Wednesday. razz

Stick that in your pipe and smoke it. sherlock

Einstein would call that Quantum physics. Being in three places at once and at three different times. shocked

As Elvis would say, "That's crazy man." crazy

Of course my heart will be some place else altogether, and also in my heart my sister would be some place ELSE altogether. taz

See how this worx? grin

I really like this quantum stuff.

Ok, I've gotta go quantify some sleep, because at 3:30 in the morning I'm gonna want to stay exactly where I am. sleep

Have a happy day everyone.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (07/25/13 07:16 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#903746 - 07/25/13 07:39 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65546
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, at 3:30 am the only good place to be is bed! Boy thats early! Do you have room darkening shades so you can pretend it's dark out? Does Pepper get confused at the changing bed times?

I hope your day is a happy one Joe and all! hearts

I'll be in the corner and I'm sure at the river at some point.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#903759 - 07/25/13 09:06 PM Re: TGIF [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9654
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great Friday Joe and Ana. happydance
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#903776 - 07/25/13 11:07 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Online   happy
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8003
Loc: Greece
Good morning everyone,its 6 in the morning here but Im geting ready for my trip. smile
Have all a nice and relaxing weekend happydance wave
I'll be back on Monday. flowers
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#903778 - 07/25/13 11:10 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65546
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
SpaceQ, have a great Friday!

Haroula, enjoy your honeymoon! hearts Have a safe and fun trip!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#903792 - 07/26/13 04:54 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17492
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, and Haroula. Joe don't work to hard and keep smiling! Ana have a good one. SpaceQ enjoy your day. Haroula have a wonderful trip! See you when you get back. Cailyn coffee is ready! Happy Day wished for all! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#903798 - 07/26/13 06:10 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5626
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave Have a great Friday, everyone. summer

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#903799 - 07/26/13 06:34 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8165
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#903804 - 07/26/13 07:12 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14708
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, too early for work.

Ana, hope the corner is easy for you today.

Space, good morning.

Haroula, enjoy every minute of your trip.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee this morning.

Venus, a good workday is wished.

Connie, have a wonderful day!

Raining here. Ruined my plans with the girls for the beach. Looks like a gaming day which is not so bad a tradeoff.
_________________________
Gail

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#903815 - 07/26/13 09:06 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15566
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. smile Thanks for the great jokes Joe. Hope everyone has a fantastic Friday wave
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#903817 - 07/26/13 09:52 AM Re: TGIF [Re: manxman]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9447
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the very funny openers! lol Have a happy TGIF/Wednesday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#903834 - 07/26/13 10:45 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13757
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe may work fly and go well. Sell those mowers! Thanks for the laughs!!

Space this is it, now the weekend!! May you have a lovely day!

Ana may the corner be kind to you and have fun on the run with the dogs. We had some nasty storms go through here last evening and over night. Poor Sassy was under the bed. lol Have a lovely day!

Haroula prayers for the Band of Angels around you and hubby as you travel. Have a lovely time!!

Gerry thanks for starting the coffee. Little cool here (55) so tastes good. Have a lovely day!

venus Happy working and be sure to have fun too!!

Aw Gail sorry the rain has posponed the beach day but nice alternative! lol Happy gaming!!

Connie have a lovely day what ever you do. Thanks for the danish!

manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly. The weekend is upon us!!! Have a lovely day!

No plans till taxi time.

wave
Nan

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#903849 - 07/26/13 11:31 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42533
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

Hubby, son, and boys are on the road again. I talked to them a bit ago, and they were creepy crawling. Hopefully, that will improve soon.

We finally got the bookcases we ordered for the boys room 2 1/2 months ago. I have to laugh that they came now when he-who-will-put-them-together isn't home. That's ok, at least they are here.

I feel book cooking will happen at some point today. But first, sipping and surfing! wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#903877 - 07/26/13 01:44 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14719
Loc: Massachusetts
Hi everyone. I'm home from work and having lunch. It's nasty out there. Good day to stay in and read or play a game.L4L Is it just you and your puppies?

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#903879 - 07/26/13 01:53 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42533
Loc: Alabama
Hi ya Midgy, tis indeed....just the 5 of us. Keoki is still on lockdown so we are being very quiet. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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