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#904760 - 07/30/13 08:08 PM Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30151
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.

"When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?" asks St. Peter.

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.

Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.

"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.

"Just for that, I'm not going."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, 'Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?'

The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?'

The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, 'This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?'

The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, 'This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?'

Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, 'You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?'

The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said 'You're so smart, YOU tell ME!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: That's not it and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: That's it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."

"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

It'll be another early start for me, so I'm trying to get this wrapped up and posted. happydance

I'm early to bed and early to rise the next three days. razz

Gotta say my prayers and get to bed. yes

Now I lay me down to sleep.
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my sister's soul to take instead of mine. rotfl

oops I didn't say that out loud did I?

Gotta go.

Have a happy day everyone. wink

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (07/30/13 08:09 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#904765 - 07/30/13 08:33 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65763
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
rotfl Joe, you better hope that lightning doesn't strike you! Bless your sisters heart. grin

Hope your work day goes quickly. hearts

Have a happy day all!

Ana wave
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Don't feed the Trolls

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#904769 - 07/30/13 08:39 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9718
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thumbsup on the Saint Peter joke Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#904771 - 07/30/13 09:16 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7412
Loc: San Diego, CA
So Rags the feral mom cat who has lovely long gold/brown fur grew a major heavy coat last winter. All spring and summer she has been shedding huge clumps of fur. I find 6" by 2" knitted fur clumps all over. NOW she has only ONE clump left and it's a doozie.

Imagine if cats had shells like turtles. Imagine the shell is round and about 9" round. Now imagine it's about 2" thick and is hanging only by a 3" connection to the back of poor Rags and flopping in the breeze as she sheds it.

She has managed to slowly release it from top to bottom by licking it for the past few weeks. I couldn't get near enough to her to grab it BUT I chummed her with a can of salmon tonightand she jumped on the table and I grabbed. Unfortunately, that's when I found it's still firmly attached and there was no way to just pull it free.

I will let nature rule. Rags will probably have that thing off by morning since in the last 2 days she has released it from mid back to just an attachment in the tail area. I can hardly wait. She's clean and neat and flea free (I managed to drip some flea drops on her neck a few weeks back. Dunno how she manages with all the burrs and foxtails, but she's pristine except for that huge pancake on her backside. It's really strange looking. I think maybe she's an alien and it's some sort of 'fur shell' that protects her. rotfl
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WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#904775 - 07/30/13 10:39 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14745
Loc: Massachusetts
Just saying good night before I turn in. Tomorrow is my day off. Yippee!

See you when I get up. Ana kissy, SQFan, Sorta and all.

Miidgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#904783 - 07/30/13 11:55 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Good Morning Boomers!! Sometimes I think this is the best way to post so I won't forget I haven't. We are taking new boat in for an impeller?? If anyone knows what that is.. And then some shopping. My mum is doing well after the tooth fun but now they say she is anemic. I don't doubt it as she lost a bit of blood last month and then hasn't eaten much or properly during her tooth problem so I will be buying beans, cottage cheese and grape juice for her as she is a vegetarian. Joe, your poor sis...if she only knew!! Hi Ana, don't work too hard. Sorta, I can just picture that kitty and her extra baggage. I hope it is gone when you see her next. Hi Midgie, I hope you have a great day off. And I wish everyone who follows a wonderful day full of Happy Gaming!! wave
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Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#904789 - 07/31/13 01:48 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: Lotus777]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1840
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Hey ya Boom Boom Buddies wave

Have a good hump day cat Karen puppy
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Peace be with you Brother~

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#904791 - 07/31/13 02:34 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Online   happy
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8102
Loc: Greece
Good morning everyone waveIts very hot hre today summer
Have all a nice and happy day. happydance
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#904797 - 07/31/13 04:00 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6095
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning all waveCoffee is ready! Have a great day everyone summer
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#904798 - 07/31/13 05:19 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17612
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, Sorta, Midgie, Lotus, Karen, Haroula, and Cailyn. It's a lovely cool morning here. Hope you all enjoy your day! wave
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Gerry

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#904813 - 07/31/13 06:32 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8197
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. birthday Soot. The bank and BJ's today. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Hump day. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Cinnamon Buns, in the NC. summer
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Connie

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#904817 - 07/31/13 07:12 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14783
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Wishing a wonderful day to everyone who is here and all who will arrive later.

A nice walk with the dogs this morning then some yard work is overdue. But right now I'm relaxing with a cup of hot coffee and a Danish.

birthday Soot


Edited by GBC (07/31/13 07:14 AM)
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Gail

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#904828 - 07/31/13 08:27 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14745
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning.I'm looking for some BB pancakes but it looks like there aren't any left sad Well, I'll just go find the kitchen and make some more. Anybody want some? I'll make plenty. smile

Today I'll have plenty to do on my day off. I have to balance my checkbook, a trip to the store, a little housework, then.....we'll see. I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday. birthday Soot.

Please don't forget to exercise. You'll feel better. smile

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#904839 - 07/31/13 08:47 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21499
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Oh my shocked

...another year has slipped by and I'm a year wiser, well at least I'm supposed to be wink

Thank you so much everyone blush

Son and family are stopping by are house for a couple of days this morning so need to pick up a little...

I'll have to pack my whale music to listen to it.

Take care all and have a wonderful day!

wave
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#904861 - 07/31/13 09:59 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: soot]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9479
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Again, you make me laugh out loud! Hope your day goes easy peasy, Joe!

birthday soot! Woohoo and booyah!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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