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#905226 - 08/01/13 07:47 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29782
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment... Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.

One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, "don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah. Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane was hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whisky on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So you want a day off.

Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some
counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be
saved.
The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were absolutely determined to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the children died before we split up."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"We'll take her back alive and eat your mother."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department.

The Grand Emir wasn't used to the salt in American food (French fries, cheese, etc.) and was constantly sending his man- servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water. But finally he returned empty-handed.

"Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??" demanded the Grand Emir.

'A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul,"but a man is sitting on the well."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news".
The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer".
The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease".
"Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Joe's Diner of Last Resort is ready for the day's business. yes

If you're coming to eat my cooking it must be your last resort. snicker

Before you come it might be a good idea to say a little prayer to the patron saint of heartburn. Whoever that is. slapforehead

Please call at least 10 minutes in advance for reservations. smile

I need ten minutes to chase all the rats out. taz

The day's special is...... think..whatever we didn't sell yesterday.

No shirt, no shoes? Come anyway, but shave your chest and please keep your feet off the tables. wink

Have a happy day ok?

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#905227 - 08/01/13 07:56 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9066
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Thanks for posting all the jokes everyday joe. thumbsup

Have a great Friday!

PS Stay out of Aunt Karen's way. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#905244 - 08/01/13 10:10 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63335
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Joe, thanks for starting the day with a smile. I hope it's a great day for you.

SpaceQ, it's Friday! woot

Have a wonderful day everyone.

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#905247 - 08/01/13 10:35 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Joe, I love your jokes but what comes popping out of your head is ever so much better. Thank you for the great day starts!! Hi SpaceQ, almost the weekend, hooray!! Hi dear Ana, I hope that rash is beginning to go away, you have such a lovely attitude about all of this as I read on FB. Hello and good day to all who come after. I am sorry to have to ask for more prayers but... My dear Mum came through the tooth episode with flying colors but there is something else wrong and I am asking everyone to petition God for total healing. It just isn't fair at her age. And on that hopeful note I wish everyone Happy Gaming and a great day!! wave
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#905249 - 08/01/13 10:54 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5226
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Joe, does the patron saint of heartburn expect any sacrifices? Because maybe I can spare some left over chicken with a spear knife through it. grin Hope you have a great Friday.

Enjoy your Friday as well, Space Quest.

Have a wonderful day, too, Ana.

Lotus, sorry to hear your mom is going through so much lately. frown Best wishes for her recovery!!

It's late Thursday night for me, but I figured I would get a post in now while I had the chance. I may say my usual quick hello and goodbye in the morning, though, depending on how much time I have. grin Tomorrow it's back to work once again.

Hope everyone here has a fantastic Friday. summer

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#905254 - 08/01/13 11:01 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63335
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Lotus, prayers still coming for your mom. I am so sorry that she is going through more trials. I hope she can get comfortable. hearts
My rash is just starting I am afraid. I was late to the party. lol I don't like the negativity on the FB page, I just want answers what it is, so we can fix it. Peter has it very bad and he is on 4 different meds.

Venus, hope it's a productive work day that goes by fast.

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#905272 - 08/02/13 03:07 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6890
Loc: Greece
Good morning boomers. wave
Lotus best wishes for your mum. smile
Have all a nice day. happydance
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#905276 - 08/02/13 04:29 AM Re: TGIF [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 5952
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning all waveLotus prayers for your mum on the way heartsAna sorry that you and Peter have a rash,positive thoughts that it goes away fast!This is the girls weekend for me been looking forward to it,and yesterday was my 43rd wedding anniversary! Coffee is ready!Hi Gerry and Gail when you come in waveHappy day wished for all summer
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#905282 - 08/02/13 05:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16297
Loc: Marlborough USA
dance cat Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana, Lotus, venus, Haroula and cailyn.Joe I love your attitude! SpaceQ enjoy your day. Ana I hope you and Peter get better soon. Lotus prayers on the way for mom. Venus hope you had a relaxing day off. Haroula have a nice day too. Cailyn thanks for the coffee. A Happy Day wished for all! cat dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#905287 - 08/02/13 05:59 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5226
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#905290 - 08/02/13 06:43 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 13752
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, you make my morning!

Ana, hope you and Peter find the right remedy. Hugs!

Lotus, prayers out your way for your Mom.

Venus, hope your workday runs smoothly.

Haroula, wishing a happy day to you.

Sue, coffee? Yay! Congrats on your anniversary.

Space, good morning.

Gerry, have a great day!

We're off to the ocean this morning. I love the salt water and waves and sea gulls. woot
_________________________
Gail

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#905294 - 08/02/13 07:05 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7807
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Lotus, prayers on the way for your Mom. Ana, positive vibes on the way for you and Peter. I hope they find an answer very soon. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful TGIF. Danish, Waffles, and French Toast in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#905295 - 08/02/13 07:11 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 11720
Loc: Scotland
Hi Boomers! Hope you are all well!

Lotus, prayers and much love for your Mum. kissy

Ana, hope the rash goes quickly. Hugs to you both!

Well, it's sunny, dry and very windy here today but it's also nice and cool so I'll take it! Yesterday was like living in a sauna...Diana and I had to travel to Glasgow, something we usually enjoy, but didn't this time. The train was packed, hot and very uncomfortable on the way home.

Have a great day guys!

Mary hearts
_________________________
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

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#905310 - 08/02/13 10:04 AM Re: TGIF [Re: MsMercury]
Darlene Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9144
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and opening the Diner once again! Have a terrific TGIF!!

Lotus, prayers of healing going up for your Mum!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

I'm taking off work Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, of next week, just 'cuz! Sooooooo looking forward to the time off!

Phone chat with best bud tomorrow morning. It's been too long since we've talked! happydance

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#905333 - 08/02/13 11:32 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13269
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe thanks for the laughs this morning!! May work fly so you may get started on the weekend!!! Have a lovely day!

Ana prayers that they find the cause and cure quickly. Must be something in the mud. think Are you still in the corner or do you have free time??? Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Lotus keeping your mom and all in my thoughts and prayers. HUGS!!!

Cailyn Happy belated Anniversary!!!! Enjoy your time with the girls!!! Have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely kday!

Gail we have lots of Sea Gulls here also!! lol Have fun at the ocean!!

venus Happy Working!!!!! lol May the time fly and be fun!

Space have a lovely day!

Connie have a lovely day and fun doing what ever comes along!! Hope that your doc appointment yesterday went well. HUGS! Thanks for the dansih!

Mary glad it is cooler there today. Enjoy!!

Darlene how wonderful to have an extended weekend. lol May you have a lovely time off. Enjoy your chat tomorrow!! May work fly and everything go smoothly!!

No plans till taxi time and then I am heading for "movie in the park" night. They are playing Superman!!!

wave
Nan

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