There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright (1955 - )
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
A Polish Paratrooper makes his first jump.
He was given the following instructions: "once you jumped you need to open your parachute. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground".
So, he gets on the plane, jumps outside but can't open his parachute. He then tries to open the reserve one, but it doesn't open as well.
"Great", he says to himself, "Now all I need is that the Jeep won't wait for me to make it a really unlucky day"
The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"
The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."
The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?
The driver answers, "Water!"
The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"
The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"
This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"
The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"
The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s-s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi -Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"
"No," shouted the man, " this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"
As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"
At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"
At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."
"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th-th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b--a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to READ it to 'em?"
As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."
"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself
to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the
captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.
He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"
She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here." The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied, "No."
After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of legs for a nun!"
She replied, "If you look up a little farther you'll find a nice set of testes too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"
Good morning everyboomie.
The jokes are all posted for you, but my funny bone is about to pass out.
I over slept this morning........I mean yesterday.........whatever day it is, it's been a loooong one.
My eyeballs are inflamed from the rancid decay of the day.
Now it's time to take a high dive off the platform of life into a peaceful sea of zzzzzzzz's.
Have a happy day everyone.
Z you later.