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#905846 - 08/04/13 07:58 PM Monday Mourning
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29985
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Charles M. Schulz (1922 - 2000), Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's [blip] slippery out there."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Three athletes were standing in line waiting to enter the Olympic Village. The first guy is carrying a discus, and he walks up to the guard and says, "Soviet Discus Team." The guard says "pass".

The second guy is carring a vaulting pole, and he walks up to the guard and says, "East German Pole Vaulting Team." The guard says "pass".

The third guy is carrying a rolled up chain-link fence on his shoulder, he walks up to the guard and says, "Polish Fencing Team." "Pass..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"

The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.

Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the
chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the
chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best
Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too,
began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life. The horse
thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking
underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he could
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse
pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story? (Yes, there's a moral!)


"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two tigers were stalking through the jungles of Asia. Suddenly, the one to the rear reached out with his tongue, and licked the posterior of the tiger in front of him. The startled front tiger turned and said, "Cut it out." The rear tiger apologized, and they continued onward.

About five minutes later, it happened again. The front tiger turned, growling, "I said stop it." The rear tiger again apologized, and they continued.

Another five minutes passed, and again the front tiger felt the unwanted tongue. The front tiger turned, giving the rear tiger a ferocious glare, angrily hissing, "What is it with you?"

The rear tiger replied, "I'm sorry -- I really didn't mean to offend you. But I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Today is my birthday. penguin

I'm 22,475 days old.......give or take. wink

There were a few leap years in there. duh

As I sat and contemplated the meaning of it all, I felt like taking a little walk down memory lane, but you know I couldn't find it on MapQuest. shocked

Every mind must have a Memory Lane, but I can't remember the zip code for mine. razz

If I use my memory as a gauge, then I was born about 30 days ago. blush

Experts say that walking through a doorway causes people to forget what they were thinking before they walked through.

There are way too many doors in my memory.

The other day my boss brought me the IRP worksheet. It's a down-stocking worksheet that we have to work every weekday. He asked me why I had not picked them up already. I was somewhat embarrassed to tell him, that I had walked to the front of the store to get them, but by the time I got to customer service (about 30 yards), I forgot what I was after, so I turned around and went back to my department. slapforehead

I hate when that happens!

Have a memorable day everyone.

joe



Edited by gymcandy1 (08/04/13 08:04 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#905848 - 08/04/13 08:03 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64686
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
You confused the heck out of me because your birthday is just before mine. lol I am not ready for another one yet! rotfl

Have a happy day Joe and all!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#905849 - 08/04/13 08:06 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9462
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Have a great day Joe and Ana. happydance
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#905859 - 08/05/13 12:04 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: Space Quest Fan]
Darlene Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9332
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! And I was just about to wish you a Happy Birthday! lol Have a great Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Sunday evening for me....

Had a most wonderful day! Fabulous meal, fantastic wine, wonderful conversation, full of family and fun! I am blessed! Life is good! hearts

Now I'm looking forward to three days off and I'm a happy girl! rah

So.

To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#905879 - 08/05/13 03:08 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64686
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
DArlene, enjoy your day off! yay

SpaceQ, have a happy day!

I am out of the corner for the night, it should be time for Sue to put on the coffee so I better call it a day.

I have a dermatologist appt late morning and I really hope he can shed some light on the affliction we all have from the race. I'm tired of itching. lol

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#905885 - 08/05/13 04:00 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7605
Loc: Greece
Good morning everyone. wave
Have all a nice and happy day. happydance
Ana photo will send in a bit,thanks again. yes smile
Tell me if you receive the photo. smile


Edited by Haroula (08/05/13 04:39 AM)
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#905889 - 08/05/13 04:47 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5344
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#905894 - 08/05/13 05:20 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: venus]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning friends

Such a busy busy week last week but everything is in the bag now... Nan, thank you so much for the Band again. We did a lot of driving around and the Band always held their hands over us.

I wanted to write here already yesterday, but I got into a terrible storm... I was hiking early in the morning in the nearby forest to look for fallen tree trunks to use them as models for my clay artwork and I was so concentrated in measuring the logs, that I didn't observe the forest getting void of people and the sky getting full of really black clouds. When I heard thunder I was looking up and saw... scared... a huge storm forming over my head. Boy I was jumping up and jogging in direction of home like a rocket. The way home was about 20 minutes (jogging) or 40 minutes (walking). Since I'am not as good as our Ana regarding fitness, I was jogging/walking/jogging/crawling etc. under a sky getting black and blacker the minute. I had no umbrella and no rainhat because the sun was shining when I left home at 7 a.m. Of course the storm broke loose when I still was 10 minutes away from home and I was praying to my Dad to let the lightning not touch me. I guess there were lightnings every 20 second or so. Horrible to be in such a storm and still 10 minutes away from safety. I was drenched to the bones but still running with my head down when I hit a handsome man with an umbrella. Guess who it was? My dear hubby came to look for me and to shelter me. Isn't that wonderful! But I had to go to bed, after the hot shower I took, with a migraine...

And now admit it! I topped Sorta's neighbourhood stories with mine for once, didn't I?!

Love!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#905895 - 08/05/13 05:41 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: Gimli]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6027
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning all waveIt's a chilly morning here 57 degrees,I'm a little late getting the coffee on but it is now ready.Ana good luck at the Dr. A happy day wished for all puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#905896 - 08/05/13 05:52 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17001
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, Darlene, Haroula, venus, Gimli and Sue. Joe one birthday a year make me old enough - don't wish for two! Ana good luck at the doctor. SpaceQ enjoy your day. Darlene sounds like you had a lovely day yesterday. Enjoy your day off. Haroula what are you up to today? Venus how is kitty Venus? Gimli that is a scary story. Glad to hear you made it back safely. Sue I was up late last night and actually slept in till 5:15AM Thanks for the coffee. You all have a great day! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#905904 - 08/05/13 06:39 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14328
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, I'm going to try to not walk through doorways today. lol

Ana, hope you find relief at the Doc's today.

Darlene, enjoy your free time.

Haroula, a good day is wished.

Venus, good morning.

Evelyne, so scary in the storm. Hubby to the rescue! Hope your head feels better. scared

Sue, coffee is just the thing I need this morning. Thanks.

Gerry, have a great day.

Wishing everyone4 a wonderful start to a new week. happydance
_________________________
Gail

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#905905 - 08/05/13 06:42 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17001
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning GBC. Doesn't this cool weather feel good! dance
_________________________
Gerry

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#905911 - 08/05/13 07:44 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14601
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Thanks Joe for your openers. I had to check to see if you had a b'day cake above your name...nope, it wasn't there. Hi Ana, SQFan, Darlene kissy, enjoy your day off, Haroula, venus, Evelyne, Sue, Gerry, and all who follow me in. Evelyne you sure had a story for us. I'm glad you're safe and sound. Pretty scary stuff. eek

Yesterday I got a chance to talk to my Mom. She sounds really good. She was very surprised it was me. Boy I really miss being with her.

Midgie hearts


Edited by Midge (08/05/13 03:12 PM)
_________________________
Just do it.

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#905912 - 08/05/13 07:45 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8023
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Evelyn, I'm glad hubby came to your rescue, and hope your migraine is gone, Ana, I hope the Dr. can shed some light on the rash and help make it better. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Muffins, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#905940 - 08/05/13 10:11 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64686
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I'm sleepy and have an upset tummy this morning. sad I'm hoping it'll improve as the day goes along.

Here is Haroula's beautiful Sunset photo. Thanks for sharing Haroula! hearts

be back....
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Don't feed the Trolls

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