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#906010 - 08/05/13 06:43 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30158
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
He who has injured thee was either stronger or weaker than thee. If weaker, spare him; if stronger, spare thyself.
William Shakespeare
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


These are actual warnings given on various products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO (continued below)
advertisement

In which movie does D.L. Hughley costar with Morris Chestnut?



The Brothers

Chasing Papi

Scary Movie 3






ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man was wondering if his wife had a hearing problem.
So one night, he stood behind her while she was sitting in her lounge chair.
He spoke softly to her, "Honey, can you hear me?"
There was no response.
He moved a little closer and said again, "Honey, can you hear me?"
Still, there was no response.
Finally he moved right behind her and said, "Honey, can you hear me?"
She replied, "For the third time, Yes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood."
She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Oh my, there's someone at the door."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Things actually said in court:

Judge: I know you, don't I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
birth, too.

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn't see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
defendant's motion?
Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening.

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a b---h, what would you do?
Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a b---h?
Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you're a son of a b---h.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So tell me, Mrs. Jones," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"
"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and
I also finished my novel."

"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Jones explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

This is you dapper diner dude coming to you with a new diner day.

I'm always excited to see each boomer enter the diner to say good morning, after you've woken up and had you breakfast, and coffee.

Then I'll be reasonably sure that I won't be reading your name in the obits today. bravo

Of course if I do see you in the diner, and then read your name in the obits it might indicate that we have a haunting in the diner. think

COOL!!! yay

I mean, that would be terrible, terrible news, and we would all be missing you for sure. sad

I would NEVER want to see any of your names in the obits. shame

I wonder what kind of jokes ghost like to read. headscratch

I know what kind of food they like......Ghost Toasties of course. grin

Have a BOOtiful day everyone.

Halloween is coming.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (08/05/13 06:45 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#906030 - 08/05/13 08:11 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65793
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Joe, I am sure you will be getting your Halloween decorations in any day now. It gets earlier and earlier every year.

It feels like fall here, clearly it is not August. At least not in Chicago.

Have a happy day everyone. I am hoping to be free today...fingers crossed.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#906039 - 08/05/13 08:39 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9723
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thumbsup on the payday joke Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#906083 - 08/06/13 03:18 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8112
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana,SQFan and all who come in later. wave
Have all a great day. happydance
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#906086 - 08/06/13 03:46 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6096
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Space,Haroula,and all who are to follow waveIt's 52 degrees here a bit chilly for this time of year!Coffee is on! Wishing everyone a pleasant day puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#906090 - 08/06/13 04:48 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5682
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave Have a great Tuesday, everyone. summer

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#906091 - 08/06/13 05:29 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17626
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, SpaceQ, Haroula , Sue and venus. Joe I never know to expect next from you! Ana what did the doctor say about your rash? SpaceQ and Haroula keep smiling. Sue thanks for the coffee. It's cold here to this morning. Venus no speeding! Happy Day wished for everyone! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#906096 - 08/06/13 06:55 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8202
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. I'm sending some of our heat to all who can use it. It's in the 90's here. To all here and all who come in later, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Muffins, in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#906116 - 08/06/13 09:11 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14786
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, loved the jokes this morning.

Ana, have fun on your free day!

Space, good morning.

Sue, thanks for the hot coffee on the chilly morning. Supposed to warm up later.

Venus, good day is wished.

Haroula, have a great day!

Gerry, enjoy whatever plans you have for the day.

Connie, just a little heat please. Not the 90's. Thanks for the Danish.

I was a busy little Beaver this morning. Housework and laundry done and a spaghetti sauce in the slow cooker early this morning. Now I'm off to grocery shop.
_________________________
Gail

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#906117 - 08/06/13 09:30 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 11745
Loc: Scotland
Hiya Boomers! Hope you are all well!

Back to normal temps here which is a relief as I'm on a cleaning spree at the moment! No cakes in the pipeline until 23rd so a nice wee break, lets me get caught up with everything inside and out! Oh, and I have a pile of ironing waiting for me too though that doesn't bother me as I quite enjoy it.

Take care, have a great day guys!

Mary hearts
_________________________
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

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#906140 - 08/06/13 12:16 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: MsMercury]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning buddies wave

Thank you all for your yesterdays concerne. It was a storm adventure all right, Sunday morning, and the fear is still sticking a bit in my bones and my head. Yes, my hubby is a wonderful hubby and, like Soot for L4L is, my KISA too. The "shining armor" on Sunday was a raincoat and an umbrella though, but hey.... Don't be picky in times of great need. lol

Only a flyby today because I had to pre-cook for my Mum today again and now I have to cook for hubby and myself. Tomorrow I will go for lunch with sis and Mum, but before I leave, I will come to the diner, have my coffee with my friends.

Love you all! Happy day.

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#906141 - 08/06/13 12:21 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Hi Boomers, Just a fast hello as my poor Mum is still having issues. I am not dealing well with the stress. It is very chilly here also. Feels like a late Sept. morning or even October. Hope your poison ivy is under control Ana!! Going to harvest some late peas. Hope everyone has a great day and Happy Gaming!! wave
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#906150 - 08/06/13 01:26 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42646
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

I was a great big wimp this morning. Hubby poked me to go walk and I muttered something along the lines of "mugyahahhhhicky" and stuck my head back under my pillow. Slept til 9:30 and only got up then cos I had bread that had to be shaped by 9:30 this morning for a second rise. It's a really fiddly recipe so it better be delicious!

Then got caught up in the kitchen prepping for supper tonight as I decided I didn't want what I had scheduled. So had to find out what I did want, and then see if I had ingredients etc.

Then down to finish up a Kickstarter pledge. Holy moly, took me an hour and a half to do that. And finally, I am here for just a bit before I bomb out the door with Keoki. He has an appointment for a shot and a K-laser treatment this afternoon. I'll have a few minutes when I get home from that and then it will be time to cook.

So, busy day for me. Son is off and doesn't have kids so we were hoping to WoW some, but so far that has not been possible.

To all who are too chilly, please send some of that and I'll do my best to talk the heat into moving up that way. Back later wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#906151 - 08/06/13 01:38 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7419
Loc: San Diego, CA
Taking my friend out for his birthday for the annual 'Birthday Celebration' routine. Each year on his and my birthday's we exchange a TY beanie baby (the one holding a birthday cake) and it 'lives' with the recipient until the next one's birthday. Then we treat each other to a Movie of their choice and a dinner or lunch. Yummmm.

Today's it's his birthday and we are going to see Iron Man number whatever. There are so many I can't remember. Then off to Black Angus for the lunch. I'm hungry already!
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#906164 - 08/06/13 02:20 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: looney4labs]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1840
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Hey ya Boom Boom Buddies

hope everyone is having a good day dance

its hot 80's again we only had 1 day
of rain~

Nan that is so cool you met that guy!
my Grampy & Granny met at the movies
and were maried 65yts!! hearts
the have a handicap riding place about
20 miles from me called Little bits~

their gonna get me up on Mo at the barn
their working on it that ought to
be fun I'll polly roll off rotfl

think i'll go do a wheelchair dance
for more rain lolKaren
_________________________

Peace be with you Brother~

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