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#907173 - 08/10/13 11:53 PM Sunday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29792
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.

"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.

"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he passed gas.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."

This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.

John; "What was that?"

Driver; "It was a cat"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"

John; "Oh, fair enough"

A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.

John; "What was that!!?"

Driver; "It was a dog"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"

John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"

The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.

John; "What is it this time?"

Driver; "I hit an old lady"

John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?

Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."

John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."

The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:

"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"

The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"
~~~~~~~~~~``


Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle
corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."

So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.

4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in
a few words, and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
than yours".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to the weekend part 2, or Joe's miserable little one nothing day off. razz

Actually it's not really miserable...........but I am. snicker

I must be, because my sister said I was. shocked

She said I was a miserable #*!?" #&^%/} after I accidentally turned the well pump off, when her hair was all lathered up in the shower. blush

I was only looking for the light switch..................honest. dance

I think today, for my wonderful day off I'll sit in my none-derwear, under the air conditioner, eating pop sickles all day long. grin

Catch the theme of the day there? wink

Stay cool and have a happy day everyone.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (08/10/13 11:55 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#907174 - 08/11/13 12:01 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63411
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol I'm not buying the light switch story one bit either. rotfl

Enjoy your day off Joe. It sounds like a wonderful plan! grin

I will be heading down to the city to see my baby boy dance at the Market Days Festival. He is living large down there. hearts

After that I will be in the corner..

Have a great day everyone!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#907176 - 08/11/13 12:21 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9156
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers, enjoy your day off, and stay cool!

Hey, Ana! Seeing your baby boy dance! Woohoo and booyah! Living large, indeed! Enjoy! hearts

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Saturday evening for me...

May I share a story...

Two weeks ago, daughter's boyfriend called Hubby to ask to meet. They met, and daughter's boyfriend asked Hubby for permission to marry daughter, with ring in hand. (I'm getting teary as I write this! hearts ) Boyfriend asked us to keep this between us and tell NO ONE.

Now, daughter, daughter's boyfriend, his parents, and many of their friends, have traveled to boyfriend's parents' summer lakefront home in Montana for a weeks' vacation, and tonight, on their lakeside dock, boyfriend got down on one knee, ring in hand, and asked daughter to marry him! Needless to say, this whole evening has been full of skyping, toasting champagne, and phone calls to family! We are ecstatic!!! Life is good! hearts

So.

To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot I am so excited I can't stand it!!! smile
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#907180 - 08/11/13 12:32 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63411
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
woot Darlene! I was waiting for you to post this one of these days. yay Congrats to your daughter and your family. He sounds like a keeper!

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#907181 - 08/11/13 12:38 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9156
Loc: Southern California
yay Oh, Ana, we are soooooo excited! Daughter and fiance (I love saying fiance ) have been friends since junior high, we have loved him for many years, and we always knew he loved our daughter. He is an amazing young man, his parents are fantastic, they are as excited as we are, and this has been an awesome evening! hearts
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#907185 - 08/11/13 01:29 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63411
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Isn't it wonderful when things go as we hoped it would! hearts

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#907188 - 08/11/13 01:58 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6932
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana,Darlene and all who follow.
Darleen congrats to your daughter and your family hearts
Have all a relaxing Sunday. happydance


Edited by Haroula (08/11/13 01:58 AM)
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#907191 - 08/11/13 04:17 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Online   happy
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16337
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Darlene and Haroula. Joe you are a silly boy! Ana sounds like a fun day. Haroula enjoy your Sunday. Sue the coffee is ready. Happy Day All! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#907198 - 08/11/13 05:03 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5226
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#907202 - 08/11/13 05:42 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 13771
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, enjoy your day off and stay cool.

Ana, enjoy the festival and your son.

Darlene, it appears that you're happy. lol Congrats to daughter and future son-in-law.

Haroula, good day.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Venus, good day wished at work.

Church this morning. See everybody later. wave
_________________________
Gail

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#907206 - 08/11/13 07:01 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7814
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Darlene, Congrats to your daughter and the family. Hubby is doing good, every day is special. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Breakfast out after our walk, then a bit of shopping. Danish, Eggs, Bacon, Sausage, Hash Browns, Pancakes, and English Muffins in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#907211 - 08/11/13 08:09 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: connie]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2309
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning my friends! Sunday also here in Switzerland. We can't go shopping though because all of the shops are closed on Sundays.

Joe:I'am beginning to have pity for your sis evil . Have a happy day off my friend.

Ana: have a great time in the City. What kind of dance is it? Rock-and-Roll or Latin or..? Have fun! rah

Darlene: congratulations to daughter and fiance. Boy, he's a gentlemen all right thumbsup . I'am so happy for you that your life goes according to plan.

Good morning haroula, gerry, venus, gail and connie wave .

I have to wait till the clay in the plaster mold is drying enough so that I can take it out of the mold and work on it. In the meantime I'll go for a walk with hubby. No umbrella needed this time. Weather is great, the sun is shining and temps are in the 77F. So byebye for now. Coffee caramello in the corner. I hope you like it. See you later...

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#907242 - 08/11/13 10:13 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: Gimli]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29792
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning Gees & Bees. wave

It's yet another abundantly sunny day here in the South. smirk

Feels like it's South of the Equator. slapforehead

Despite that, I have decided to take Baby and make a quick trip to the creek. crazy

Really it's just to brighten Baby's spirits. rolleyes

I haven't been wanting to do anything at all outside. shame

I'll be back..........I hope. eek

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#907249 - 08/11/13 10:38 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9094
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thanks for the jokes Joe. lol
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#907256 - 08/11/13 11:28 AM Re: Sunday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63411
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Just passing through, trying to lock myself away in the corner.

Want to wish Nan luck on her color run! Have tons of fun! yay

Hope you all are enjoying the day.

Ana wave
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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