Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.
Isaac Asimov (1920 - 1992)
A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbour strolls over. The neighbour tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbour asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbour asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbour. "You just say, 'Of course I will'".
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I meant to say. But what came out was, 'Of course I do.'"
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.
"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."
At this point the mini owner interrupted.
"But do you have a video in there?"
The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.
A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.
"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.
"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"
One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.
For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are
tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm
sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he passed gas.
Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex."
This enfuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."
John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.
John; "What was that?"
Driver; "It was a cat"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"
John; "Oh, fair enough"
A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.
John; "What was that!!?"
Driver; "It was a dog"
John; "Why did you run it over?"
Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"
John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"
The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.
John; "What is it this time?"
Driver; "I hit an old lady"
John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?
Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."
John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."
The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:
"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"
The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"
Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle
corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your
motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can
hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to
hang out with God."
So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."
"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,
"hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in
a few words, and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur,
"but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention
Good morning everyboomie.
Welcome to the weekend part 2, or Joe's miserable little one nothing day off.
Actually it's not really miserable...........but I am.
I must be, because my sister said I was.
She said I was a miserable #*!?" #&^%/}
after I accidentally turned the well pump off, when her hair was all lathered up in the shower.
I was only looking for the light switch..................honest.
I think today, for my wonderful day off I'll sit in my none-derwear, under the air conditioner, eating pop sickles all day long.
Catch the theme of the day there?
Stay cool and have a happy day everyone.