A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.
William Shakespeare (1564 - 1616)
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."
A farmer had three very beautiful daughters. One Friday they all had dates, as they do every Friday. Well the very protective farmer was sitting in the living room watching television that Friday when the doorbell rang. He opened the door to see a man which was clearly one of the girls dates. Well the man says "My name's Sam and im here for Pam and we're going to go jam". So the father okays everything and calls his daughter down. the couple leaves. Ten minutes later the doorbell rings and there is another man. He says "My name's Freddy and I"m here for Betty and we're going to go eat some spaghetti". Once again the farmer okays everything and they go along on their merry way. Ten minutes later the door bell rings again and the farmer opens the door.The Farmer says you must be here for Cindy. The man at the door says "Yes actually, my name's Chuck and were going to go-" The farmer shot him.
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.
Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.
Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once" John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.
"Just look at him. He's too afraid to cough!"
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.
"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."
Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"
She replied, "Your horse called."
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.
The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,
"What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:
"What will you take on your back?"
And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "
An Englishman and a Scotsman are driving head on , at night, on a twisty, dark road.
Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed.
In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on.
At this point, the Scotsman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of sherry. He hands the bottle to the Englishman, whom exclaims,'' may the Scots and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Englishman then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down.
Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Scotsman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here.
Good morning everyboomie.
Well I had a good day off.
Good and short.
Today is a 6:00am start which means 4:30 rise and shine. Yee Haa....
I love watching the sun come up.
Too bad I'll be inside working.
I hope you all have a happy day.