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#907480 - 08/12/13 08:24 PM Tuesday's Morning
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30151
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.
Dr. Seuss (1904 - 1991), The Lorax
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"He said you're going to die," she replied.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked.

"Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf."

"Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way."

So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!
He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!
So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !
Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !
He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.
The deep voice says: BUMMER!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

God called down to Adam, "My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve..."
Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?"
God answered, "So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair...."
Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, "Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?" he answered....
and again God answered him,."So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together"
Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,"Father, she has many great qualities, she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?" to which God replied, "So that she would love you my son"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Oh.. Half a pack a day."

"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."

The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

How y'all are.......doing? blush

Don't ask me, or I might tell you. snicker

What the heck, I'll tell you anyway. grin

I'm tired, overworked, underfed, malnourished, under paid, and under appreciated. duh

But, I'm well liked by everyone who doesn't hate me, which is everyone that I've never met. dance

Tomorrow I'm going to work on meeting some more future enemies. thumbsup

Kidding

I'm half past bed time, so I wish you all a very happy day. wink

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#907481 - 08/12/13 08:40 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9718
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Thanks for the jokes Joe. Have a great Tuesday. thumbsup
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#907488 - 08/12/13 09:15 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14744
Loc: Massachusetts
Oh Joe, I like you. Thanks for your openers. I'm gonna have a happy day. I hope you do too. Hi SQFan.

Time to hit my pillow. I also have an early shift in the morning. Have a happy day everyone.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#907494 - 08/12/13 09:29 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: Midge]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15723
Loc: Unionville
Joe, great jokes as usual rotfl
Hope everyone has a terrific tuesday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#907541 - 08/13/13 02:26 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8102
Loc: Greece
Good morning everyone,have all a nice day. wave happydance
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#907546 - 08/13/13 03:46 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6095
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning all waveWishing you all a happy day!Ana sorry to hear about your truck! Coffee is on Gerry and Gail puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#907548 - 08/13/13 04:47 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5673
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#907549 - 08/13/13 04:56 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17608
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Midgie, manxman, Haroula, venus and Cailyn. Thanks for the coffee Cailyn. A great day wished for you all! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#907557 - 08/13/13 06:43 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8196
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Evelyn, Happy Anniversary to you and your hubby. flowers Enjoy your special day. Ana, I'm sorry about your truck, frown and hope it can be repaired easily and affordable. Some shopping is on today's agenda. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Danish, Muffins, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#907558 - 08/13/13 07:08 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14783
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, we all love you!

Ana, what's the verdict on the truck?

Space, good morning.

Midgie, have a good day at work.

Manxman, happy day to you.

Haroula, wishing a wonderful day for you today.

Sue, Yay! Need a very large cup of coffee this morning. Glad it's ready.

Venus, hi to you.

Gerry, have a good day!

Connie, enjoy shopping. Thanks for the
Danish.

Think it's going to be a rainy day here today. Maybe a trip to Wal Mart to finish school supplies.
_________________________
Gail

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#907587 - 08/13/13 09:57 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9479
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers and hope your Tuesday is terrific!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#907607 - 08/13/13 11:20 AM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65761
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! I am doing a happy dance today even though I have a pounding head. lol

It appears my battery broke, not quite dead but enough to mess with the electrical and my sweet hubby bought me a new one and installed last night while I was out with my sisters. My truck lives to see another day! woot I am beyond happy. Who says prayers don't help. grin

We had so much fun yesterday. It poured rain the whole way down and the entire time we were eating early dinner and as we were paying the check, the sun came out and a rainbow appeared. That was the end of the rain and we had a beautiful cruise. It was a great night.

Happy Anniversary Evelyne!

I hope you all have an awesome day!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#907612 - 08/13/13 12:02 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7412
Loc: San Diego, CA
Someone stole my Summer! We have had practically no heat this year and it's already August. Should be the hottest month but we are getting gloomy mornings and cool nights and 70's in the hot part of the day. It's more like June. Maybe September will be Summer? Weird weather. Have worn shorts about 3 times total!

All Outdoorsies are Freaky today. Dunno why but it usually signals something. Maybe an earthquake or the Apocalypse? rotfl I can hardly wait to see what happens.

Our ex-drug dealer guy who used to live in the Dreaded Apartments and moved out several months ago was BACK yesterday. Woo woo. He picked up his ex-roomie drunk gal and off they went. I'm thinking probably to the pain clinic around the corner to get the 3 month supply of pain pills for both. These they will use some and sell most. Fun couple. Thank goodness he's still not back here, but he's driving a MERCEDES! Business must be good wherever he moved to. When he left he was driving a beat up, many dented, broken window, run down, Toyota. Free enterprise at its finest I guess.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#907614 - 08/13/13 12:05 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11422
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning y'all.

Started the morning out at Wally World. Then came home and ordered an Apple Ipod for myself. An early birthday present from Bill. Woo hoo.

Will spend this afternoon loading vacation pics on the computer, then picking the best ones out for a slide show. Will put them on a flash drive so I can plug it in to my picture frame.

Bill ordered himself a Canon camera for an early, early birthday. His birthday is not until Feb.

Time to get some lunch started. Then Susie and Vince are coming over for dinner. Fixing a yummy meat loaf.

Speaking of Susie, she is doing much better.

Bets
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#907620 - 08/13/13 12:51 PM Re: Tuesday's Morning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13803
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Sorta some one stoll Summer here also! lol We have hardly gotten started and this morning it was like 40 out there for our morning walk. Had to get the sweats out. lol Hope you find yours.

Joe thanks for the laughs and I hope work goes well.

Ana that is wonderful news about the truck! yay Glad the rain stopped and you had a wonderful cruise with your sisters!! Hope the corner is going well.

Evelyne Happy Anniversary!! hearts

wave Cailyn, venus, Haroula, Gail, Connie, Midge, Bets, Space, Darlene, Gerry, Manxman!! Have a lovely day!!

wave
Nan

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