I’ve decided that the key to happiness is low expectations.
Laura Moncur (1969 - ), Merriton, 06-04-08
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Funny Bumper Stickers
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
My car's not a tree hugger, I'm drunk you idiot!
Rehab is for Quitters
I may be drunk, but you are down right ugly, and I shall be sober in the morning
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Milk sucks, got beer?
1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila Floor
A cat by any other name is still a furry little hairball that poops behind the couch.
If my dog had a face as ugly as your's, I would shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards!
I need someone really bad, are you really bad?
I used to wonder why God made ugly people, then I realized it was so people like me could get a good laugh.
Firefighters: we find them hot, and leave them wet!
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
I tried to snort coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
So many stupid people, So few comets
If a couple divorce in Kentucky, are they still brother and sister?
Go ahead and honk. I'm reloading.
So many stupid people, not enough bullets in a clip.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Moody witch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
If you say one more word, I'm going to put my umbrella in your pants and open it.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
Die Yuppie Scum.
Bad cop...no donut.
The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
Dislexics of the world... UNTIE!!
Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
Guns are no more responsible for killing people than the spoon is responsible for making Rosie O'Donnell fat.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Top Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in
your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit
by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the
elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now
THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you
enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye
12 The parking lot seems to have moved
while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95
installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where
are the kids?", but you don't really have
a wife and you're talking to the
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid
cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed,
replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories
as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they
ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after biting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not
having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name
28 Your idea of cutting back is less
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side
walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your
underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are
Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find
your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food
calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the
42 Find yourself as the captain for the
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner
of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good
Good morning everyboomie.
A nuther one bites the dust.
Hopefully they all will before I do.
I'm ready for retirement I think.
My bird, and my dog have been retired for a long time, and I need to join them.
Waiting for my sister to offer to support me is wearing my patience thin.
She's trying to win the lottery. The only problem is she never buys a ticket.
Her dream is that a handsome guy will give her a winning ticket.
My dream is that a handsome guy will come along and make me a happy man, and take my sister away.
Have a happy day everyone.