That consciousness is everything and that all things begin with a thought. That we are responsible for our own fate, we reap what we sow, we get what we give, we pull in what we put out. I know these things for sure.
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. Would it be right, he asked, for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?
Absolutely not! replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
In that case, said the young man, I wonder if you???d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.
Bad Tips from Martha Stewart:
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you
Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected.)
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted."
Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house. "Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yeah they did." "Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen
many books on the subject, and finally, after
getting all the necessary "tools" together,
she made for the nearest frozen body of water.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she
started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice,
poured a Thermos of cappuccino. And began to cut
yet another hole.
Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to
the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool,
and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH
UNDER THE ICE!" She stopped, looked skyward,
and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied, "No...this is the manager
of the hockey rink..."
Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," she says.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Good morning everyboomie.
This is your daily diner host speaking in my usual semi-conscious state.
It's a temporary condition though.
I plan on being totally unconscious as soon as possible.
Tomorrow I'm up at 4:30. HEY! I get to sleep in.
Since I only had a half a day off, I'll probably only give half effort at work.
Wait just a minute! Why should I increase my productivity when I only had a half day off??
That's twice as much work as I usually do.
Y'all have a happy day, K?