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#908437 - 08/17/13 10:31 PM Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 32194
Loc: Calera, Oklahoma
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, I would like some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?"

The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian, or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German?" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

The clerk says "Well, no."

The guy says "Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

Telemarketer Torture 20042013

What to do when your dinner is interrupted:

- Ask them if they've got beer

- Start speaking in tongues

- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number

- Tell them that you're not there right now

- Ask them if they accept coupons

- Start selling them something else

- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead

- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.

- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer

- Play a recording of a busy signal

- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.

- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.

- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice

- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.

- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)

- Speak in ragga chant

- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says

- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.

- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.

- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

It's another fine day.

Is it the day after, or the day before? crazy

To tell you the truth I have a guess, but I'm not quite sure. duh

When I find out I'll let you know. think

Then again, if you know, please tell me when you found out, and why no one told Joe. blush

It seems my days run together, and my nights run apart. slapforehead

That could be why I'm so tired at day's start. tired

I could keep this up, rhyming all that I've said, but I'm fresh out of smilies, and feeling quite......................tired.

Hey I told you.

It's that night running thing.

You know? wink

There are no strangers here; Only friends you haven’t yet met.

William Butler Yeats

#908439 - 08/17/13 10:54 PM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10371
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for your openers and I love your rhyming! smile Hope your Sunday Morning Sumshine is sensational!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Still Saturday evening for me....

Been a day... hearts

May I share another story...

When my children were born, each was brought home from the hospital wearing a bonnet made of a linen lace handkerchief. For my son, his was given back to him to give to my DIL on their wedding day for her to use as her handkerchief, something old. My daughter has one as well, to use on her wedding day as her handkerchief, something old. Tomorrow, she and her new fiance' are coming to the house as she has asked to pick up her bonnet. hearts She has also asked to use some of the lace from my own wedding veil to use in her wedding bouquet. Needless to say, Hubby and I shared a fabulous
afternoon going through my hope chest, picking out these articles, with a glass of wine, and reminiscing. It was wonderful..... hearts


To all abed, sleep To all awake, woot
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#908440 - 08/17/13 11:09 PM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Administrator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 75370
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, my days run together too! I feel ya. Do you finally have a day off or is it back to work for you again? Whatever you do, make it a great day! hearts

Darlene, that is very sweet! When is the wedding?

Have a wonderful day everyone!

Ana wave
Don't feed the Trolls

#908441 - 08/17/13 11:18 PM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 10371
Loc: Southern California
wave Hey, Ana! They have not told us a date yet, but I'm thinking next summer.
Woohoo and booyah! smile Have an easy peasy day!

#908444 - 08/17/13 11:39 PM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 15321
Loc: Upper Arlington, Ohio
Have a great Sunday Boomers. happydance
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

#908452 - 08/18/13 03:06 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 10027
Loc: Greece
Good morning Boomers,have all a nice and relaxing
Sunday. happydance wave
I change all my passwords to "incorrect". So whenever I forget, it says, "your password is incorrect".

#908456 - 08/18/13 04:24 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6145
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana,Darlene,Space,Haroula and all who arrive later waveTaking my Gr.daughter school shopping today not looking forward to it she is now 15 eekCoffee is ready wishing you all a sunny day summer
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.


#908460 - 08/18/13 04:56 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
Staff Reviewer
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 7734
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave
Interrogator: [True or false?] All mangoes are golden. Nothing golden is cheap. Conclusion - all mangoes are cheap.

Helena: Where are these mangoes?

#908461 - 08/18/13 05:01 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 22793
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Darlene, Ana, SpaceQ, Haroula and Cailyn. Wishing everyone a peaceful Sunday. summer

#908470 - 08/18/13 06:38 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 10257
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Gail, some years the winter gets quite cold, as low as the 20's, even the teens one Christmas Eve. penguin Other years we don't even get cold enough for a frost. L4L, I hope Keoki is walking on his bobo leg today. puppy Breakfast out after our morning walk. It's still in the 90's here. summer To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Sunday. Danish, Bacon, Sausage, Eggs, Hash Browns, Toast, and Fruit in the NC. smile

#908471 - 08/18/13 07:05 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 18262
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, the older you get, the harder it is to remember what day it is. lol

Darlene, what a nice tradition.

Space, good morning.

Haroula, have a nice day.

Sue, good luck shopping. I just took a fifteen year old. It wasn't fun. crazy

Venus hello.

Gerry, have a great day!

Connie, my brother has a trailer in Daytona. I may go down in February to visit. I'm hoping for warm weather. penguin

A happy day wished for All. Church this morning then a relaxing Sunday. catrub

#908503 - 08/18/13 09:56 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 27730
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
Good morning gang! Wishing everyone a quiet and relaxing Sunday .. that is unless you want a loud and rowdy one yes

To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games & listen to whale music

#908512 - 08/18/13 10:33 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: soot]
Space Quest Fan Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 15321
Loc: Upper Arlington, Ohio
thanks for the jokes Joe. thumbsup
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

#908521 - 08/18/13 11:10 AM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 21398
Loc: Unionville
Good morning everyone wave Hope you all have a super sunday smile
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

#908528 - 08/18/13 12:05 PM Re: Sunday Morning Sumshine..........SumDon't [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 9562
Loc: San Diego, CA
Strange but true. This morning I turned on my kitchen light and saw ants. Not so surprising, because they are usually 'convoying' from a small hole in the cupboard or under the sink, etc. BUT this morning's sighting was very unusual. The ants, 8 of them, were all circling in a 1 foot area on the counter. They looked like they were doing some sort of tribal dance. Was so weird. No line, no going anywhere but in a circle. I figured there were more, so I brushed the happy little dance company into the sink and flushed them, then looked for the entry and trail. Nothing, nada, nowhere, not another ant in sight. Still has me baffled. Maybe they were a rogue crew of ant dancers? I should have looked to see if they had drums and were wearing tribal outfits. rotfl

Still no activity on the empty house across the way. Lots of action during the week with the Snake and who I think is a Realtor showing 2 ladies (or maybe a man and lady) couldn't tell from this distance, the place. He had keys to the gate. I've seen him several times in his sporty Mercedes. He always wears a white shirt and tie.

Then the next day, 4 males were there with the Snake doing something for an hour and I heard boarded up doors being opened and then re-nailed. Weird. Now nothing. No for sale signs, no visitors, no listings in the MLS directory, nothing happening. My neighbor and I can only ponder what is going on. My best guess is that the Snake has been given dominion over the 'hoard' and is showing it to various friends. BUT if that were so, they would not need the 'realtor'. Snake has his own keys. And the 4 guys might have been a 'renovation' crew who would fix and sell the house and take their money from the escrow on sale.

Now we wait for something to happen. Either a big truck to pull up and all the 'stuff' get loaded, OR maybe a crew of people who do 'estate sales' will come over and unpack all the boxes and have a giant sale there, OR the house will be sold without anyone ever seeing a for sale notice. Hummmm. Realtor guy, might actually be an 'Estate Lawyer' who is overseeing the entire fiasco for the niece who now has full powers of attorney and who took the SUV that was her Uncle's. It's never returned so she must have taken it back to S. Carolina this time. Can hardly wait till this whole this is over and done. Too much drama for the last 1 1/2 years.

Speaking of drama. The angry guy across the street, who used to be so friendly till the 4th of July, is now...get this...glaring at me or just at my front door as he drives past my house every day. He always does a U-turn to park in front of his house across from me, but now he is very very obvious in giving a nasty glare (not imagining it, my neighbor and a friend both witnessed this) each time he goes by. He pauses for a moment, glares and then makes his turn. So so so weird and creepy. I'd say I was paranoid if it wasn't for the others who are seeing the same strange new behavior. Geez! I like to stand and look out my door when I hear noises, or just to get some fresh air. Now I'm beginning to avoid that because HE might be watching me. I've gotta get a grip on this. Never had anyone do something like this before, ever. Must be a very unhappy guy to have a hate campaign on someone who did nothing.

I finally told my roofer guy friend two doors down, about the 'troubles' and maybe the word will eventually get to the neighbor that I did nothing to him or his family. He laughed and agreed that he's known me for over 20 years and I would never call the cops on a neighbor unless it was for a dire emergency. We could have a Hatfield's and McCoy's re-inactment around here if nothing gets resolved. thumbsdown grin
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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