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#908838 - 08/20/13 01:19 AM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30066
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.
John Updike (1932 - )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.

So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore.

Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.

She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three men are sitting at a bar - a Texan, a Californian, and a Coloradoan. The Texan orders a bottle of tequila. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air and *BAM* he shoots it with his .22. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!" he shouts, "That was good tequila!"
The Texan replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila and we can throw it away like that."
The Californian, not to be out done, orders a bottle of fine wine. When he gets it, he takes one sip, throws it up into the air, and *BAM* he shoots it with his semiautomatic. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender recovers first.
"What did you do that for?!? That was good wine!" he hollers.
The Californian replies, "Where I come from, we have plenty of wine, and we can throw it away like that."
The Coloradoan, who has watched all this with interest, orders a Coors. He opens the bottle and takes a sip. Then he takes another sip. And another. Soon he's finished the whole bottle. He's throws it up into the air and pulls out his handgun. Very carefully, he aims, fires, and *BAM* he shoots the Texan. *BAM* he shoots the Californian. Everyone drops to the floor. The bartender is now shaking with rage.
"What the **** did you do that for!?!" he roars.
"Well," answers the Coloradoan, "where I come from, we have PLENTY of Texans and Californians."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some [blip] wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No kidding?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


There where three nuns who never did anything wrong. One day the high priest came to them and told them that in order to become better nuns they had to do something bad and then drink from the holy water. So the three nuns went out that same day and did something wrong. The first nun came and the high priest asked her what she did wrong. " I took a lollipop from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then the second one came back and the high priest asked her what she did wrong, she said " I took a balloon from a little kid." So he let her drink from the holy water. Then came the third. "What did you do wrong?" asked the high priest. " Well", she said," I peed in the holy water."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel
dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed
his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the
sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is
wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his
pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three
wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS
auditor."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks
like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is
right. "O K, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And
he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter
where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story...

If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I didn't leave work until around 10 after 10, so it's late late now after getting my shower, and I'm ready to get horizontal. sleep

I'm sitting here watching "My Ghost Story". eek

Jeepers Creepers!!! pacify

I'm so glad I sleep with my little doggie.

She won't protect me, unless it's a ghost of a raccoon, but she will wag her tail so fast it'll blow the ghost away. puppy

If I see a ghost raccoon I'll have to write a story of my own about the experience. sherlock

Who knows. Maybe the'll even make a movie about it staring Macaulay Culkin, and Whoopi Goldberg. lol

Have a happy day everyone.

joe

"I see dead animals" taz


Edited by gymcandy1 (08/20/13 01:22 AM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#908850 - 08/20/13 03:46 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7828
Loc: Greece
lolGood morning Joe and all. wave
Have a nice day. happydance summer
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#908856 - 08/20/13 03:55 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6058
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula,and all who arrive later waveWishing everyone a great day! I think we're in for some hazy,hot,humid days starting today eekCoffee is ready enjoy your day! puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#908864 - 08/20/13 05:12 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17330
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. Thanks for the coffee cailyn. You all have a wonderful day! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#908875 - 08/20/13 06:06 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5522
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave Have a great Tuesday, everyone. cat

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#908877 - 08/20/13 06:11 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17330
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning venus! Have a great day! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#908879 - 08/20/13 06:32 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14582
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Haroula, good day.

Venus, enjoy your work today.

Sue, 90's expected the next three days. Stay cool.

Gerry, have a great day!

Girls have routine dentist appointments today. Hot weather coming back. A wonderful day wished for All! summer
_________________________
Gail

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#908884 - 08/20/13 07:17 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8127
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. We will be taking SIL for her doctor appointment later. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Tuesday. Danish, Waffles, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#908904 - 08/20/13 09:39 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Online   content
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15346
Loc: Unionville
Good morning everyone. Hope you all have a terrific tuesday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#908907 - 08/20/13 09:49 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: manxman]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9407
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your Tuesday is tremendous!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#908919 - 08/20/13 10:31 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Darlene]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30066
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody.

I'm still trying to recover from my 7 hour coma. sleep

My feet are trying to recover from yesterday's closing. UGH! tired

At least......IT'S FRIDAYYYYYYY!!! dance

One more late night tonight to get through first. shocked

Oy! I already feel like I walked my legs off last night. slapforehead

Buckle up soldier and act like a man!

I've gotta go throw up. sick

Have a great day everyone. thumbsup

joe



Edited by gymcandy1 (08/20/13 10:33 AM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#908920 - 08/20/13 10:34 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13700
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe may work go well today! Thanks for the chuckles. Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Cailyn thanks for starting the coffee. Have a lovely day! The campground still busy?? Stay cool!! It will be 90 here today also!

Gerry stay cool and have a lovely day!

venus Happy Working!!! grin May all go well!

Connie good luck to SIL with her doc appointment!! Have a lovely day and thanks for the danish!!

Gail good luck to the girls and their dentist appointments!! Have a lovely day and stay cool!!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#908922 - 08/20/13 10:41 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65261
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! Summer is finally here. woot Just in time for fall. rotfl

Nan, glad you got to holler last night. yay

Joe, happy Friday my friend!

Darlene, manxman, Connie, Gail, Gerry, Venus, Sue, Haroula, have a wonderful day!

I'm off to finish trimming trees and some other yard work and then off to run with the dogs.

Have an awesome day everyone!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#908963 - 08/20/13 02:57 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42397
Loc: Alabama
Wow, busy day! Today is daughter's b'day, so my first order of business was to call and sing "Happy Birthday" to her. That was followed by zipping out of the house to take Keoki to the vet. They were slow this morning so my tech visited with me for an hour or so. Then to the park for a wander-walk. Finally got home and cut up a watermelon to quiet down the insistent hunger monster. Now I have a little down time before I need to go cook. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#908972 - 08/20/13 03:48 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
MsMercury Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 02/08/06
Posts: 11740
Loc: Scotland
Hiya Boomers! Hope you are all well!

Time is flying way too fast! Been busy with baking and cleaning then got word hubby's uncle has died. I didn't really know him all that well, only been in his company a couple of times. He was 94, God rest his soul.

We have family coming to stay tomorrow from Liverpool so they can attend the funeral on Friday, and as well as that I have to get a cake baked and decorated for Friday evening! woozy The booking was made around 3 weeks ago.

Have a great day guys!

Mary hearts
_________________________
"It's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts." puppy

I'm not getting old....just 'Marvelously Mature'! grin

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