Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
[info][add][mail][note]Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)
A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"
"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"
Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a
Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,
but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."
Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"
Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"
Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."
Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."
The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked
to God, and He said I'm the strongest."
Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."
Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"
Things To Say To Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.
Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm not waiting for inspiration. My weekend is over and I'm back at work at 5:00am (always moaning).
That means getting up at 3:30am (always moonlight).
In turn I'll be getting off at 2:00ap (always a pleasure).
These days I really can't do a lot on my days off in this heat, and humidity.
I suppose I should get back into some kind of shape and start doing Iron Man running or Iron Man workouts, but I tell ya just going outside now makes me feel like the meat in the middle of a Hot Iron Sandwich.
Nan it's not a lot cooler in the Texas Panhandle, but it is a lot dryer...............and windier.
In fact, you just feel like a tumble weed in a clothes dryer up there.
Up there the grass is always dryer on the other side of the fence.
It is a lot colder in Winter though, and snowier.
We also say the snow is always deeper on the other side of the fence, if you catch my drift.
Up there I've gone to work in a short sleeve shirt in the morning, (because it was warm), and come home with hypothermia, (because a cold front came in).
Up there I've gone to work in nice weather in the morning, and couldn't get through the snow to get home after work.
It a little more predictable here. We know it's going to be hot.
That's it, and that's it for the Joe Show, Sept. 2nd edition.
Have a happyful Labor Day everyone.