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#912617 - 09/08/13 11:38 PM Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30152
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.
Andy Warhol (1928 - 1987), The Philosophy of Andy Warhol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
~~~~~~~~~~

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Ya big lier!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."

"Freaking tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.

To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.

The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and
meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband
could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions
of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from
her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and
see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,
and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner,
and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about
30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away.
"Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for supper?". No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for
supper?"

"For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.


Some examples:

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

There's one great oldie that doesn't have to be adapted to this old timer.

"Monday I have Friday on my mind" Easybeats yay

I think this may be the first 8:00 to 5:00 schedule I've had in 5 years. Weird duh

It's Monday, we have freight to stock, we also have our department torn up trying to get patio furniture out, and Christmas decor set up. shocked

Never a dull moment.

Ya gotta love retail. razz

I gotta tell you guys about the lady who called corporate to complain about the 16 foot tall inflatable Reaper we have in our store for Halloween. She says it will "scare" her children. She also called in last year and complained about the animated witch we had set up. She said she won't be able to bring her children to the store. smirk

Well mam, we achieved our goal then. wink

Have a happy day everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#912622 - 09/09/13 02:03 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8105
Loc: Greece
Happy day Joe and all who come in later. smile wave
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#912629 - 09/09/13 04:26 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17620
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe and Haroula. Sue I put the coffee on. Wishing you all a Happy Day! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#912637 - 09/09/13 05:27 AM Re: Monday [Re: Kaki's Sister]
cailyn Online   sad
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6096
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula,Gerry waveThanks for getting the coffee started Gerry,I'm headed out to the gym!Have a great day all puppy
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#912642 - 09/09/13 06:25 AM Re: Monday [Re: cailyn]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Hello and good Monday morning my dear friends. Another week, more chores. yes Now today, I have to do my Mum's taxes for the time from January 1st until my Dad died mid March. Tax authority said to do it pronto. scared Never a dull moment here...

Weather is ok, sunny but temps only in the 75F. I will send some of the cold winds to Florida Connie, ok?

Nan: so glad hubby and I can take the Band with us when we drive to first Germany then Italy. Thank you sweetie kissy HUGS!

I'am wishing you all a wonderful day. Keep smiling my friends thumbsup

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#912650 - 09/09/13 06:50 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Online   content
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8199
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Evelyne thanks, the cold winds will be greatly appreciated. Have a safe trip to Germany and Italy. Nan, the knee is still hurting, but I'm trying to ignore it. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Monday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and French Toast, in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#912662 - 09/09/13 07:54 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Gilligan Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 01/12/06
Posts: 3164
Loc: INA
Morning all..Joe,Connie,Haroula,Gimli,Cailyn,Gerry...

Dear Ana-->...911,, Help... grin
I give up...I can't do the psswrd so everytime I change it ...it turns chaotic,so I'm still do with the temporary one ..eerr,help??? grin

really hot Monday here,the sun is burning,so air conditioner never off all day ,but have a cheerful Monday to you all smile

Gimli...was it 'Ladies Day' 3 days ago in Zurich?(Bahnhofstrasse)..is it fun day ?


Edited by Gilligan (09/09/13 08:02 AM)

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#912664 - 09/09/13 08:05 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15737
Loc: Unionville
Good morning all. wave Hope everyone has a great start to the week smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#912669 - 09/09/13 08:38 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14784
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you a great day!

Haroula, happy day!

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Sue, enjoy the gym.

Evelyne, hope the taxes get done with ease. Wishing you a safe trip.

Connie, hope the knee starts to feel better.

Natasha, wishing you a great day.

Manxman, good morning.

Wishing everyone a wonderful Monday. Doing Fall cleaning today. I'm in the mood to eliminate at least have of my household items. Seems like I've acquired way too much (I don't want to call it junk) unnecessary items.
_________________________
Gail

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#912679 - 09/09/13 09:55 AM Re: Monday [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9480
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a happy Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#912686 - 09/09/13 10:04 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5679
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Good morning and have a great day Joe, Haroula, Gerry, Cailyn, Gimli, Connie, Gilligan, manxman, Gail, Darlene and all who come in after me. wave

Hello to Thorsgoats if you post again today. grin

Well, I'm off today, but have a few errands to run, so it will just be a quick post this morning. Later, I'm going to play a game or two, most likely Cognition with Thorsgoats and Memoria by myself. thumbsup

Hope everyone here has a fantastic Monday. summer

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#912703 - 09/09/13 11:02 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13806
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Wow Joe an 8-5'er!!! May all go well. Too funny about that lady. lol I thought that's what all that stuff was for. Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee. Have a lovely day! Hope you are able to get a nice walk in!

Cailyn have fun at the gym! Have a lovely day! Is the campground still busy??

Evelyne you and hubby are always welcome! hearts Good luck with the taxes. Your system is a bit different there though. Have a lovely day! Hugs!

lol Connie you sound like me. Things may hurt but I tend to not think about it unless it starts to scream at me. lol Have a lovely day and thanks for the danish!

Gilligan we could use a little of your heat today!! It is cool and rainy here. Have a lovely rest of your day!

Gail happy Fall cleaning. Are ya going to have a sale??? Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly for you! Have a lovely day!

venus have fun with the errands. Happy Gaming!!!

No plans yet but to stay warm and dry! lol

wave
Nan

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#912716 - 09/09/13 11:54 AM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65783
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to the river I go.

Natasha, you have to go to my profile, select Edit profile, put in your new password and then go all the way down and click the submit button.

Have a great day everyone! Dogs are antsy...be back!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#912720 - 09/09/13 12:03 PM Re: Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42643
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

Hubby and I popped up bright and early to take the monkeys to the park. It was cool out there and dark eek

Hubby walked the 3 on a normal exercise walk and I wander-walked with Keoki. Then home....and as I walked inside I noticed that a panel on the side of our van was about to fall off.

Hubby went back out to check it and discovered we'd been hit...didn't see it on the way out but it was dark so I wouldn't have.

Then home to clean up the kitchen and feed everyone. After eating, I promptly got sick. So carried Keoki up and we all went to bed. The doggies left me a tiny little slice of the bed.

Son came up a couple of hours later to check if we were home....as soon as he opened the door, Sky charged the door with a big ole deep bark.

If able, I will be making bread later....wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#912730 - 09/09/13 12:40 PM Re: Monday [Re: looney4labs]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1840
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Morning Boom Boom buddies


So sorry to hear your sick L4L
hope you feel better soon hearts

My nicece and SIL got home from
Tahati last night! they had a fun time
Rikki got me a real pretty necklace
made of all kinds of shells it pretty! flowers

Mojo has Thrush in his back left hoof
so I gotta go to the barn and put
some medicine in it~

have a nice day everyone Karen puppy
_________________________

Peace be with you Brother~

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