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#913254 - 09/12/13 12:12 AM Tursday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30025
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Nurture your mind with great thoughts; to believe in the heroic makes heroes.
Benjamin Disraeli (1804 - 1881)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While escaped, a convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Stephen Wright Jokes

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

I invented the cordless extension cord.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

I have a full-size map of the world. At the bottom it says '1 inch = 1 inch'. I hardly ever unroll it.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone when I came back the entire area was missing.

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday; twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?'

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

I saw a close friend of mine the other day. He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My (new) phone has no 'five' on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know, my calendar has no 'seven's on it.'

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.'

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it [moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says 'Here, you can go.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, 'Hey, these records are all blank.'

I filled out an application that said 'In Case Of Emergency Notify:' I wrote 'Doctor.'

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

If you take an Oriental and turn him around so he faces west, does he become disoriented?

One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most gorgeous blonde Chinese girl. I sat beside her. I said, 'Hi,' and she said, 'Hi,' and then I said, 'Nice day, isn't it?' and she said, 'I saw my analyst today and he says I have a problem.' So I asked, 'What's the problem?' She replied, 'I can't tell you. I don't even know you.' I said, 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys. By the way, my name is Denise.' I said, 'Hello, Denise. I'm Bucky Goldstein.'

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it.

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

You know that feeling when you lean back too far on a stool and catch yourself just before you fall backwards? I feel like that all the time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I worked late, and I'm way late for getting to bed. Gotta get up and be across the river and below the boarder in Tejas pretty early. razz

I plan on wearing my boots and spurs so them Texicans will just think ahm one-o-them.

They don't cotton much to Okies down there. shame

Gee, I wunder why. headscratch

I don't need no Texas Doctor knowing I'm from Oklahoma while she's massaging my prostrate. scared

Gotta go in to work of course after the Doctor's exam..........if I have any dignity left that is. blush

Y'all have a happy day ya hear? thumbsup

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#913266 - 09/12/13 02:54 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Online   happy
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7667
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe and all who follow.
The summer is still here for us 32C. yes
Have all a great day. smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#913267 - 09/12/13 03:05 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: Haroula]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6044
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Haroula waveSummer is still here also Haroula it was 95 yesterday eekGerry I hope you had a great day yesterday waveCoffee is ready! Wishing everyone a sunny day summer
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#913271 - 09/12/13 03:50 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17156
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Haroula and Cailyn. I had a wonderful Birthday yesterday Cailyn. It was hot here to but we went to the shore and had lunch at our favorite little restaurant. We ate outside on the deck that overlooks the harbor and watched the boats sail by. Hope you all enjoy your day! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#913278 - 09/12/13 04:08 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BobH Online   content
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 1700
Loc: 47.79N, 122.24W
Good morning all, technically Thursday morning but haven't gone to bed yet. We broke a record here in Seattle hitting 93F. The previous high for the day was 87. It looks like this is our last gasp of summer. The more familiar cool and wet weather is just around the corner.
_________________________
Bob
I've learned that if you're too busy to help a friend, you're too busy.

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#913284 - 09/12/13 04:34 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17156
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning BobH. It seems like all across the country the weather was unusually hot yesterday. Hope it is cooler for you today. Enjoy your day! summer
_________________________
Gerry

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#913286 - 09/12/13 06:01 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5421
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hello and goodbye. wave

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#913287 - 09/12/13 06:32 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8072
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Thursday. I think a bit of shopping is in order today. Danish, Cinnamon Buns, French Toast and Waffles in the NC. summer
_________________________
Connie

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#913288 - 09/12/13 06:55 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15105
Loc: Unionville
Good morning everyone. Hope you all have a terrific thursday wave
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#913294 - 09/12/13 08:30 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14429
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, Good luck at the docs.

Haroula, enjoy your day!

Sue, coffee needed badly. Thanks.

Gerry, sounds like you had a great birthday!

Bob, you're up before you went to bed. lol

Venus, a good day wished!

Connie, thanks for the Danish.

Manxman, have a great day.

Survived the intense heat yesterday and glad it's cooler this morning. penguin
_________________________
Gail

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#913307 - 09/12/13 10:01 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9365
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope the doc appointment goes well and that your Tursday is terrific! smile

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Yoga tonight with daughter! smile

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#913309 - 09/12/13 10:16 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64933
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe, Gail, manxman, Connie, venus, Sue, Gerry, BobH and Haroula.

Off to the river with the dogs shortly, then work a bit, then off to the doc and back to work. Then tonight I have a 90 minute street dance special I am going to. Can't wait! yay

Hope you all have an awesome day!

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#913310 - 09/12/13 10:23 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13642
Loc: northern Wisconsin
I am off and running. lol Have a quick appointment at the dentist then a few errands to do.

May everybody have a lovely day!!

wave
Nan

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#913317 - 09/12/13 10:50 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64933
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Darlene, not sure how I missed you this morning but have a great night at yoga!

Nan, good luck at the dentist.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#913329 - 09/12/13 11:35 AM Re: Tursday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42272
Loc: Alabama
Thumping Good Thursday ya'll puppy

Hubby and I popped up and hit the park early. It was dark and it was cool and lovely out. Keoki man was feeling spunky and I had to work to keep up with him at times. He spotted a cat and took full advantage of his knowledge that I no longer snap his leash.

Then home to get hubby and son off to work, then to the computer for some surfing and research. Called the vet to schedule surgery for Keoki. They said they could squeeze him in next Wednesday and I said, "No way" I want him to be the first dog up, so schedule him whatever day we can make that happen. He is doing well and if we didn't have stairs and live on a hill, I'd think about not doing anything.

It's gonna be hot today....so summer is stretching here too.

I must vacuum today and do a good kitchen clean. Back later wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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