Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "
Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.
"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.
"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.
"So? Are you afraid?"
"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.
Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"
To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.
"I don't have to," the little boy replied.
"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
Little Johnny was starting his first day at a new school and his father called the teacher to tell her that little Johnny was a big gambler. She said that it was no problem and she has seen worse than that.
After Little Johnny's first day at his new school his father called the teacher to see how it went. She said, I think I broke his gambling. The father asked how and she said, He bet me $5.00 that I had a mole on my butt, so I pulled down my pants and won his money.
DANG!! said the father.
What's wrong, the teacher asked.
Little Johnny's father said, This morning he bet me $100.00 he would see his teacher's butt before the day was over!
A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"
The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"
The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
Good morning everyboomie.
Are you ready for a new day?
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I was born ready.
My first day was a little shakey, I mean with the slap on the butt, the circumcision and everything.
I tried to go back into my "man cave", but I couldn't find the opening . A mate in neonatal told me that the second day would be a total breeze compared to the first, and that I would absolutely love how they served my meals to me, so you can believe me when I say I was pulenty ready for my first day to be over with.
On a lighter note, that slap on the butt trick came in real handy when my sister was born. After they brought her home from the hospital she kept forgetting to breath.
Sometimes she had her diaper on, so I had to slap her face instead of her butt. Couldn't tell the difference anyway.
Actually most of the time she had a diaper on.
I always loved that look of shock on her face before it turned beet red, and looked like her head would explode.
I still enjoy it today.
The memory that is.
Have a happy day everyone.