Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592)
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'"
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with him! Just tell him, "Get behind me, Satan!"
"I did," replied his wife, "but then he said "It looks great from back here, too!"
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of...termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...how?
Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.
No news is... impossible.
A miss is as good as a... Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.
Love all, trust... me.
The pen is mightier than the... pigs.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's... pollution.
A penny saved is... not much.
Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.
This one little boy in about 4th or 5th grade was trying out for a school play. He earned a part and went home to tell his father.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said "That's good son, you won't have to memorize any lines!"
"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40
years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he
did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming
destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding
Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.
He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so
many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he
whispered to himself.
He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something,
move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook
his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have
happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold
and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.
In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"
From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he
said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.
"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "And for
heaven's sake, clean up this room!"
One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.
She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Kid's Books That Should Never Be Written:
'You Were an Accident'
'Strangers Have the Best Candy'
'The Little Sissy Who Snitched'
'Some Kittens Can Fly!'
'The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion'
'How to Dress Sexy for Grownups'
'Getting More Chocolate on Your Face'
'Where Would You Like to Be Buried?'
'Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her'
'The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North
Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!'
'All Dogs Go to Hell'
'The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking'
'When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It'
'Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia'
'What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?'
'Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?'
'Daddy Drinks Because You Cry'
'Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver'
'You Are Different and That's Bad'
'Why God Burned Down Disney Land'
Good morning everyboomie.
I'm almost ready to say "not tonight, I've got a headache."
What is a headache anyway but tense throbbing muscles, and sometimes that's not such a bad thing.
Not tonight dear. Go ahead and go to bed and start without me.
I have three very early starts this week, and then it's a nuther weekend. Ya Hoo!
Those early starts though, "HOO WEE!"
I need to be horizontal to even think about those.
Have a happy day everyone.