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#922269 - 11/03/13 07:06 PM Monday Moaning
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30025
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'

The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'

The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'

It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.


A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror... She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's near perfect."



A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."


A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn't seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."


Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up.

The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore.

Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?"

The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law."

The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"


A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk replies, "Boobs."


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85 year old woman he said, "I'm sorry though, but she has seniority"



A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

What do you think you're doing? asks the wife.

They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans, he replies.

Put them back, we can't afford them, demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

What do you think you're doing asks the husband?

Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful, replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.



A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."



A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own [blip] blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.


Good morning everyboomie. welcome

My little one day off is over. Now it's 4 days back on. razz

I haven't recovered from the last 6 days. shocked

I did recover my bed however, after washing my sheets today. thumbsup

It's nice to be able to recover something. bravo

On my next day off I'm hoping to recover the change I lost in the couch. happydance

Maybe after that I can recover my wits. crazy

Have a happy day everyone. dance

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#922272 - 11/03/13 08:03 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9521
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Thanks for the jokes Joe. Have a happy Monday Boomers.
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#922281 - 11/03/13 10:29 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64927
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Thanks for starting the week out right Joe. hearts

Have a wonderful day!

SpaceQ, hope Monday will be a breeze for you.

Have a great day everyone.

Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#922300 - 11/04/13 01:22 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7664
Loc: Greece
Have a great day Joe,SpaceQ,Ana and all who follow. smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#922307 - 11/04/13 04:09 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17156
Loc: Marlborough USA
pumpkin Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ, Ana and Haroula. This time change is tough! I got up at 3AM and couldn't get back to sleep. woozy Coffee is ready! yes Happy Day All! pumpkin
_________________________
Gerry

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#922325 - 11/04/13 07:30 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14429
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, I'm still laughing over the beer joke.

Space, good morning.

Ana, enjoy whatever plans you have for the day.

Haroula, happy day is wished for you.

Gerry, thanks for the coffee. I woke at 4:00 this morning. This is going to take a little getting used to.

Good day is wished to all! Got a Doc appointment this morning. Dogs want their walk but they'll have to wait till I get back. fall
_________________________
Gail

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#922327 - 11/04/13 07:32 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8072
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Not sure what the day will bring yet, maybe some shopping. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful start to the new week. Danish, BB Pancakes, and French Toast in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#922348 - 11/04/13 09:44 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: connie]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9365
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Have a great day!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#922353 - 11/04/13 09:55 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15105
Loc: Unionville
Good morning all. Hope everyone has a great day wave
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#922361 - 11/04/13 10:11 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13641
Loc: northern Wisconsin
lol Joe thanks for the laughs!! Hope the next four days fly for you! Have a lovely day!

Space may the work week fly! Have a lovely day!

Ana what fun plans for today? Are you still corner free?? Have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry that is way too early. Hope you can get in a nap. lol Thanks for the kcoffee. Have a lovely day!

Gail they should just leave the clocks alone and then we wouldn't have to spring ahead or fall behind. lol Best of luck with the doc appointment.

Sassy gave me this funny look this morning when I made her get up to go walking really early as I had a 7:30 dentist appointment. Good time to go then I can sleep in the chair. lol Have a lovely day!

Connie how was the plant thing you went to this weekend?? Will you be busy planting??? lol Have a lovely day and thanks for the danish!

Darlene may everything go smoothly today! Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#922374 - 11/04/13 11:09 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42270
Loc: Alabama
Magnificent Monday ya'll puppy

It's cool out there. Must be November. I don't feel like I got an extra hour of sleep last night...must go check the bed and see if I left it up there. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#922376 - 11/04/13 11:16 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 64927
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! It's a lovely sunny day here and I am off to do a couple errands and then take the dogs for a run at the river. After that I will decide what's next depending on whether or not I get placed back in the corner.

Nan, so far still free but it is supposed to change today. grin
Hope the dentist went well. hearts

manxman, have a great day!

Darlene, did daughter find her dress?

Connie, hope something fun comes your way today.

Gail, hope the doc visit goes well.

Gerry, way too early! Hope you can sleep later tomorrow.

Haroula, is everyone feeling better now?

L4L, hope you can have a peaceful day.

Okay, off to knock off my errands.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#922378 - 11/04/13 11:21 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7221
Loc: San Diego, CA
Still trying to get my 'sleep clock' in order. Woke up at 5 am (used to be the old 6). Couldn't go back to sleep so I watched the news. Not a good way to start the day. rotfl
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#922395 - 11/04/13 01:28 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Hi Boomies!! I am with all of the rest of you sleepless souls...I absolutely loathe the time change. Why can't they change the times that things begin/open and leave us to our z-z-z's? I don't like it at all! Grr, grump and moan!! Other than lack of sleep things are well here. Cold and grey with pockets of rain. Nice fire going and it is warm and toasty. Happy Gaming everyone!! wave
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#922411 - 11/04/13 03:10 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42270
Loc: Alabama
Back from Keoki's therapy walk. Took Seagy with us so he could still feel like part of the pack. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#922416 - 11/04/13 03:40 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13641
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Oh Ana hope you get all that done and a little "me" time before the corner.

L4l hope your day is going well. How is Keoki doing? That was nice of you to take Seagy along too.

Lotus Happy Anniversary!!! Have a wonderful day! We started out really nice and that changed by the time my appointment was over. Been raining since.

Sorta did ya see any national news??? My town was on the national news cause two skydiving planes hit or bumped a little in the air just as the skydivers were going to jump. One landed and the other one started coming apart and caught unfire. The pilot ejected and only had some scratches. Pretty scarey!!

Off to be kidknapped in a little bit! happydance

wave
Nan

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#922422 - 11/04/13 04:09 PM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: auntiegram]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9521
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good afternoon Boomers. wave
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#922509 - 11/05/13 12:18 AM Re: Monday Moaning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13641
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Well...... think Where did everybody go????

Time here to call it a day.

Night everybody sleep well and pleasant dreams!!!

sleep
Nan

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