I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to
stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.
She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking,
classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,"
remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks, "What'll it be?" The guy responds, "Double Scotch." The bartender gives him a double scotch and the guy swallows it in one gulp and then proceeds to look into his shirt pocket.
The guy looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.
Once again the man swallows it in one gulp and proceeds to look into his shirt pocket. and once agian he looks back up and says, with a look of pure discussed, "Another double please!" The bartender pours another for the man.
By the fifth round with the exact same reaction from the man each time the bartender finaly asks, "Hey buddy, I will fill you shot glass all night long, but you have to to me, What is in your pocket?"
The guy looks up at the bartender and politely says, "It's a picture of my wife. I am just waiting for her to look pretty so I can go home."
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
* Compliment her
* cuddle her
* kiss her
* caress her
* love her
* stroke her
* tease her
* comfort her
* protect her
* hug her
* hold her
* spend money on her
* wine & dine her
* buy things for her
* listen to her
* care for her
* stand by her
* support her
* go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
* Show up naked.
It's closing time, and two drunks are getting ready to leave the bar. "God, I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is take my shoes off and crawl into bed, but Hailey always nags me for what seems like hours".
"Sneaking's not the way to do it. Try slamming the front door, stomping upstairs, and yelling 'Hey baby, let's have sex'. When I do that, my wife always pretends she's sound asleep".
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.
As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"
She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"
Good morning everyboomie.
Here comes your Tuesday served piping hot on a silver platter with coffee.
It could be your coffee served piping hot on a silver platter with a Tuesday.
I know it's Tuesday.
I think I know it's Tuesday.
I just watched The Adjustment Bureau.
I'm putting locks on every door in my bedroom.
It probably won't help. I did the same thing when I was married, but my wife kept getting in anyway.
Have a happy day everyone.