A Few Thoughts
Don't use a big word where a diminutive word will suffice.
One of the check-out counters had a sign that said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
Two thirds of Americans can't do fractions. The other half, just don't care.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Calm down. It's only ones and zeros.
Always proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime?
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!
I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!
I tried switching to gum but I couldn't keep it lit.
Im not as think as you drunk i am.
Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created."
When you're run down the best thing to take is the license number.
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for 75 cents
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. Now, the guy who invented the other three... he was the genius.
I'm normal. It's everyone else that's weird.
Wife to Husband: If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother ride in the first car with you.
Husband: All right, but it will ruin my day.
A guy is down on his luck. He takes his last $500 and goes to Las Vegas.
Overnight, he has a fantastic run of luck. He stumbles out of the casino and finds a pay phone. He calls his wife and says, "Honey, pack your bags. I just won over a million dollars in Vegas."
His wife say, "That's wonderful. What should I pack for...Europe, the Carribean?"
He says, "I don't care, just be gone when I get home."
A man calls room service at his hotel. "I want a breakfast of two eggs burned black around the edges, undercooked bacon, weak coffee,watery orange juice and cold, hard, unbuttered toast", asks the man.
"Why the hell would you want a terrible breakfast like that?", asks the room service guy.
"I'm homesick", replies the man.
A poor man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm
going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on.''
The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''
The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''
Good morning Boomers.
Hump day was pretty much the same as Tuesday, but I slept a whole lot better than I did Monday night.
The only draw back it seems is that hitting myself in the head with a blunt instrument leaves a mark and a terrible 'all day' headache.
I never did get to do any gaming last night, so..... If I cut this short you guys won't get too upset will ya?
Ok, let's see, where did I put my scissors?
Nothing is ever where I need it, when I need it.
One day it's my senses, the next day it's my marbles, and the next it's my memory.
That's NOT helping my headache at all.
Have a happy day everyone.