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#923747 - 11/11/13 01:12 AM Monday Mourning
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30071
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)
~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? Your honor.

What do you call a lawyer whose gone bad? Senator.

What is the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving.

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road? The vultures will eat the skunk.
~~~~~~~

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and urinating in cokes?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A teacher, a thief and a lawyer all die in the same freak accident. So when they reach the pearly gates, St. Peter tells them that, unfortunately, heaven is overcrowded, so they each have to answer a question correctly for admission.
The teacher is first, and St. Peter asks, Name the famous ship that was sunk by an iceberg? Phew, that one's easy, says the teacher, The Titanic. Alright, said St.Peter, you may pass.

Then the thief got his question: How many died on the Titanic? The thief replied, That's a toughy, but fortunately I just saw the movie. The answer is 1500 people. And so he passed through.

Last, St. Peter gave the lawyer his question: Name them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A Dublin lawyer died in poverty, and many people donated to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty more of them."
~~~~


Once a Pope and a lawyer died and they went to heaven. So God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room. It was very small with a small bed and a small desk.

'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said the Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room, it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and pretty woman.

'Mr.God, why do you give all this to me and just that small room to the Pope?' 'Well, popes, we have them by the dozens, and lawyers, well, your the first one.'
~~~~~~~~~~~

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No no, I give up, you can have the duck.
~~~~~~~~~~


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyone in Gameboomers. welcome

A beautiful Monday morning to you.

If that's possible. rolleyes

Actually I am so happy I'm beside myself. penguin

If I were any better I'd be twins. penguin penguin

In 2wo days, think two days I'll begin a week off. woot

It's almost like starting a whole new chapter in my life.

I'm very much looking forward to meeting new people, and going to new places..............to hunt arrowheads. happydance

I'll never forget my friends here at Gameboomers, and I wish you all the best in the future. kissy

Have a happy life everyone.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#923749 - 11/11/13 01:16 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7858
Loc: Greece
Have all a great Monday. happydance smile wave
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#923766 - 11/11/13 05:04 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17359
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe and Haroula. Joe you are to funny! Haroula enjoy your day. Coffee is ready. Hope you all have a great Monday! pumpkin
_________________________
Gerry

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#923773 - 11/11/13 06:22 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: Kaki's Sister]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning Joe, Haroula and Gerry and everybody coming in after me wave

Joe: you not going anywhere! What will the Diner be without our host? So you may enjoy the week off and all the arrowheads you like, but please come in every day to say hello at least... yes kissy

Gray day here and the temps are falling. Hmmm, maybe there's snow round the corner? help

Happy day to you all!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#923782 - 11/11/13 07:16 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8132
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. I'm thinking about Karen, and sending more Hugs. Niteowl, may all go well with your surgery, Hugs and Prayers on the way. To all here and all who follow, have a Great start to the new week. Danish, BB Pancakes, and Bacon Sandwiches in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#923803 - 11/11/13 08:28 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14689
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Thanks Joe for your openers. Morning Haroula, Gerry, Evelyne, Gerry, Connie, and all who come in after me. Oooh Connie, thanks for the BB pancakes. I'm guessing that you all know how much I love BB pancakes. smile

I'm sending a very big thank you to all who served or are in the military right now. urock woot dance pumpkin
_________________________
Just do it.

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#923807 - 11/11/13 08:44 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15393
Loc: Unionville
Good morning fellow boomers. wave Hope everyone has a magnificent monday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#923812 - 11/11/13 08:55 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14609
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope your week off comes quickly but don't forget us.

Haroula, good day!

Gerry, need coffee. Thanks.

Evelyne , wishing you a wonderful day.

Connie, good morning. Karen is hanging in there but very heavy at heart. sad

Midgie, a good day is wished for you.

Manxman, a magnificent Monday to you also.

Not sure what's on the agenda today. Got a chance to sleep in so the day is starting off good. fall
_________________________
Gail

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#923828 - 11/11/13 09:45 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
soot Offline
Puzzled Moderator
True Blue Boomer

Registered: 04/16/05
Posts: 21337
Loc: Usually up an Alabama Tree
rotfl you put a big smile on my face this morning Joe .. grin

Good morning everyone .. hope your Monday is a good one thumbsup

wave

hearts L4L
_________________________
To learn, read...To know, write...To master, teach...To live, play games

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#923832 - 11/11/13 09:52 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: soot]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9413
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! It's wonderful to look forward to some time off!! You'll be head hunting in no time! Happy Monday!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Happy Veteran's Day and thank you to all our vets who have served and who continue to serve! praise

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#923867 - 11/11/13 11:38 AM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13711
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe are ya moving??? May the next two work days fly so you may get started on your week off!! Thanks for the laughs and have a lovely day!

Haroula have a lovely day!

Gerry got any hot chocolate??? It's one of those kinds of mornings. Was 18F when me and Sassy went walking. Brrrrr. Have a lovely day!

Evelyne snow??? Well I guess it is that time of the year. We have had a few flurries but nothing to write home about. lol Have a lovely day and stay warm.

Connie have a lovely day what ever pops up. Thanks for the danish!

Gail sending hugs and prayers Karen's way! It has to be a hard time for her.
Have a nice walk with the dogs and a lovely day!

manxman have a lovely day!

Soot enjoy the extra day off!! Have a fun day!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly! have a lovely day!

May I wish ALL vets a wonderful Veterans Day and a BIG thank you for your past and present service!!!

wave
Nan

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#923888 - 11/11/13 12:33 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7301
Loc: San Diego, CA
Lovely day here! As usual.

The Parking Wars are heating up. After my ploy to park my car in front to keep the little sedan from parking directly in front of my door and having his windows glare into my living room, I decided to move my car back to its normal spot. I waited till after dark and went to bed at 11:30 pm and the sedan was still across the street 2 doors down.

I got up to potty at 5:45 am and guess what? The sedan was smack dab back in front of my house. He must have moved it between 11:30 and 5:45! Now I'm wondering if he is watching? Weird so weird. Now it's almost a game.

So I'm typing a nice note to him to MOVE his car at least one spot away from my door (no more glare) and including a request to see if he knows the owner of the 'abandoned' SUV. I'm telling him all the info about city codes, etc. in hopes he can let the other guy know. BUT I truly think he owns BOTH vehicles. He parks practically ON the bumper of the SUV even though there is nobody else around in front of or in back of those 2 vehicles. Yup, I think he is trying to obscure the expired tags. My spidey sense tells me.

Anyway, tomorrow sometime, I'll 'note' the sedan and put another 'move your vehicle' note on the SUV and see what happens. I'm sending them from 'The Landlord' in hopes it will impress in some way that this isn't just a house, but a rental property. He has a Landlord, I am a Landlord. Might pull some weight. Crossing fingers.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#923910 - 11/11/13 01:51 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 7503
Loc: the dusty desert
another lovely day here , enjoying the fresh air from the door and windows.

thinking of karen......hugs to her

going to do a bit of wow with my b-i-l for better gear i haven't played in so long ,i hope i remember my character and don't embarrass myself too badly , lol. he's very laid - back , so no worries.

have a peaceful day , no matter what you do ,everyone !

see you later !

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#923921 - 11/11/13 02:18 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65302
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good aftermorning boomies! grin I thought I stopped in earlier but I must have gotten sidetracked. I went grocery shopping and I am in laundry land and after I post I am headed to ForEyes to pick out new glasses. Apparently all the Paula Deen glasses were recalled by manufacturer so there are no more. They are going to have to make me a new pair.

It's snowing here! Big white fluffy flakes coming down. So glad I got new tires and I am no longer sliding all over. yay

Tonight is dance class. woot

Off I go...see you in a bit.
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#923922 - 11/11/13 02:21 PM Re: Monday Mourning [Re: niteowl07]
luv2travel Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 01/30/02
Posts: 2110
Loc: Phoenix, AZ USA
Hi friends!
Nice hot day here. Should be close to 90F! You can have the heat if you want it. I don't! Really unusual weather for us to have it so late in the year. Everybody's complaining and having to turn a/c back on.
Had to replace my garage door opener yesterday. It had been acting haywire and not opening more than 1 foot or so. I had enough of that, so now no problems anymore. (It had lasted about 18 years, so can't complain.)
Many hugs and prayers for you Niteowl, and hoping for a smashing outcome on your surgery.
Everyone have a great day!
Andrea wave
Hi Ana! Poor Paula Deen. Anything related to her seems to be under a dark cloud. I'm glad you got new tires, too!


Edited by luv2travel (11/11/13 02:26 PM)

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