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#924198 - 11/13/13 12:16 AM Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30159
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Know your limitations and be content with them. Too much ambition results in promotion to a job you can't do.
David Brent
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you protect the public."

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "I cannot accept money from you, for you are a good man - you serve the justice system."

The next morning the barber found a dozen more lawyers waiting for a haircut.
~~~~~~~~~


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
~~~~~~

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off of you when you die.

Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

Q: What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
A: Lipstick.

Q:You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer.
A:You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
~~~~~~~~~~~


A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks
you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you
embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my money is!" The
attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what
you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him
again where my money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where
it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to hell...
..that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."
~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to my Wonderland day. yay

I'm heading out hunting heads, and I wonder where I'll land. rolleyes

It's 11:14 and I've GOT to get to bed. tired

I hope it's a splendiferous day for you all. yes


joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#924206 - 11/13/13 01:24 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8113
Loc: Greece
Good morning my friends,I hope you have a nice day. smile wave
Yesterday,after a long time hubby and I,start walking again.
5 kil. per day yes
Time for my walk. smile
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#924212 - 11/13/13 05:24 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17632
Loc: Marlborough USA
wave Good Morning Joe and Haroula. Joe good luck head hunting! Haroula enjoy your walk. I love to walk every day. Coffee and Hot Chocolate are ready! Happy Day wished for All! wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#924222 - 11/13/13 06:26 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14789
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, A super day is wished for you! Hope your head hunting is successful.

Haroula, Enjoy walking. Midgie will be glad to hear you started walking again.

Gerry, glad the snow didn't stick well yesterday. Thanks for the coffee.

Will take a brisk walk with the dogs this morning. Time to wear a warmer coat. Family night at church tonight. Good day to All! puppy
_________________________
Gail

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#924226 - 11/13/13 06:50 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: GBC]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30159
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everybody. wave

It sure seems like it's still good night though. tired

I can't believe I'm up at 5:00 on a day off. shocked

I am sooo ready to go hunt some arrow heads. yay

It's 29 degtrees out though. eek

We're only supposed to get up to 53. slapforehead

I hope you all have a super day. rah rah rah

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#924229 - 11/13/13 07:04 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8203
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Joe, I hope you find some nice heads. It's in the 50's here too, will go into the 60's later. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Hump day. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Hot Chocolate in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#924238 - 11/13/13 07:59 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14789
Loc: Massachusetts
Connie, good morning. That's pretty cold temp for you. Only 20's here this morning. penguin
_________________________
Gail

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#924241 - 11/13/13 08:05 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15743
Loc: Unionville
Good morning all wave Hope everyone has a warm and wonderful wednesday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#924261 - 11/13/13 09:54 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
niteowl07 Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/06/05
Posts: 7568
Loc: the dusty desert
good morning , everyone !

joe , i have a feeling you're going to find a real beauty or two today ! have a blast !

i can't stay ,lots to do before we head out - it's a bit of a drive to get there. hopefully i'll be able to sleep tonight . fingers and toes crossed for tomorrow !

i'll be back as soon as possible ,a week or two.

have a wonderful day everyone !

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#924263 - 11/13/13 09:59 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: niteowl07]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9482
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Good luck with your head hunting and hope it's a splendiferous day for you, too!

Niteowl, thoughts and prayers are with you today! hearts

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#924276 - 11/13/13 11:44 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13809
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe enjoy your time off and the head hunting today!! Have a lovely day!!

Haroula good for you both!! Have a lovely walk and a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gail have a nice walk and enjoy family night tonight. May it warm up for you and glad the snow did not stay!

Connie nice and cool there I see. We were at 18F this morning. Have a lovely day and thanks for the danish!

Manxman have a lovely day!

niteowl prayers for the Band of Angels around you as you are traveling. May they stay with you and keep you safe tomorrow!! HUGS and prayers!! hearts

Darlene may work go well and everything run smoothly!! Have a lovely day!

No plans till taxi time, if the taxi even runs today. duh

wave
Nan

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#924278 - 11/13/13 11:46 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42648
Loc: Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday ya'll wave

Tis cold in Al <brrrrrr> I think I shall stay inside today. puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#924279 - 11/13/13 11:46 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65805
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning boomies! A new day...new adventures to be experienced.

I'm off to run the dogs and then back to the corner until Insanity tonight with Sam.

Hope you all enjoy your day.

Niteowl hearts
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#924303 - 11/13/13 02:36 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7419
Loc: San Diego, CA
It's been such fun around here I can hardly breathe. Ugh.

This morning after a hectic night of watching burglars trying to break into the empty house again, I was trying to take my trash out when an older gentleman walked up to my gate and motioned for me to come speak to him.

Turns out he is a yard work/handyman, who lives a few blocks over in a mobile home court and has nowhere to store all his mowers, etc. He wanted to make a deal to store all that in my yard, in return for yard or handyman work. Nice guy, but I explained I had no room to store anything safely, and I really didn't need anything done since I have 'my yard kid' who really needs the occasional work.

Nice guy really, but I just wasn't in for that deal. Soooo while I was hanging over my front gate chatting with him, looking at the 2 vehicle still parked smack dab in front, that noisy Cadillac pulls up and the gal gets out. I KNOW where she is headed and I KNOW what she'd going to do (it's become quite obvious from the company she keeps and her frequent night visits that she's buying drugs).

So with a nice male right there to give me confidence and beat her up if necessary (kidding, you never know), I yelled, WHY is everyone suddenly parking in front of MY house? She looked a bit shocked, stood there. I yelled again, Would you mind parking your car farther up the block closer to where you are going?. Also added I needed to put my trash cans out. I had them right there at the gate.

She still stared and went to her trunk, opened it closed it and I repeated my request and she finally nodded and said OK OK, sort of annoyed. She did however, get back in and move her car up to the apartments. Stayed there for less than 3 minutes and drove off. Deal made I suppose.

Then I told the handyman guy I was sorry I yelled at the gal and he said, You didn't yell, you just asked her to politely move her car. Made a lot of sense. She was not coming here, she was going way up the block to somewhere else.

I always think I'm yelling, when I raise my voice, but obviously not. Oh well, I expect she will tell everyone in the apartments what I did. Maybe she will come back and key the cars out front. rotfl Would be perfect. Oh yes.

In any case, I started my campaign to get rid of the 'abandoned' car. Asked the drunk apartment lady (who is actually very nice when sober) if she knew who owned it and she told me to call the police. That was unexpected. So now I have 2 people who will tell everyone there and maybe word will get around I'm unhappy about all the parking stuff. Told the lady that I will wait a few more days before I call in the abandoned car. I half way expect it to disappear tonight.

Busy day. Wow. What next? Gotta get a handle on some 'things' like using my parking for drug deals. Not happy about that.

Going to put back up my 'Security Camera Audio and Video on premises' sign, Might make someone think twice. shame
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#924358 - 11/13/13 07:23 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65805
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Is everyone huddled in the corner keeping warm? lol Where did everyone go?

I'm off to class...I'll exercise for you so Midgie doesn't get mad. grin
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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