Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy... You must be a lawyer."
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"
A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer.
"What do you do?"
The minister replied, "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but instead I said 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~Don't shoot I'm only the delivery man
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never Be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men? So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There's a clock on the oven!
Why do men pass gas more than women do? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, which do you let in first? The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.
All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.
What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered one certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...wedding cake
At the conclusion of the trial, the jury found the defendant Howard Smokey not guilty. His lawyer congratulated him, then handed him a bill.
Mr. Smokey looked at the bill and gulped. "This says I have to pay ten thousand dollars now and five hundred a month for the next five years! It sounds like I'm buying a Mercedes-Benz!"
The lawyer smiled. "You are."
Good morning everyboomie.
Let's see, what day is this, Sunday, or the day after yesterday?
When you're on vacation the days seem to run together.
I need to take one of those, one of these days.
I almost feel like a youngster tonight.
It's 11:30 and I don't even feel tired yet.
I could even stay up until a quarter past 11:45.......or so.
It just seems like a waste of a perfectly good bed though.
Coincidentally, I'm watching Lord of the Rings and Arwen just now told Aregon to go to sleep.
She could have been talking to me psychically.
I actually have a very strong desire to go to sleep now.
I think I must be highly suggestible.
I hope she doesn't tell him to go jump off a cliff.
I should be ok though cause we don't have any cliffs around here, unless she tells him to drive until he finds one.
I don't think she'll do that cause they didn't have cars in LOTR. Thank God!
Have a happy day everyone.