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#925022 - 11/17/13 11:45 PM Monday Monday
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30064
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Those who agree with us may not be right, but we admire their astuteness.
Cullen Hightower
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"You know what, genie, maybe we can repay you by making one of YOUR wishes come true... what's your wish, genie?" the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't been with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"35," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear," replied the mother . "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
~~~~~~~~~~~


A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher claimed that the bull must have been hit by the train, and wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

As soon as the rancher showed up, the attorney for the railroad pulled him aside and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned bull came home this morning."
~~~~~~~~~~~


Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, each of the three lawyers buys a ticket while the three engineers buy only one ticket.

"How can the three of you travel on one ticket?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

Aboard the train the lawyers take their respective seats while all three engineers cram into the restroom and squeeze the door closed behind them.

When the conductor comes around collecting tickets, he knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers are impressed with this clever idea. One the way home from the conference, they decide to copy the engineers' technique. At the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all!

"How in the hell are you going to pull this off?" asks a lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They board the train. The three lawyers cram into one restroom and the three engineers cram into the other restroom.

Shortly after the train departs, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and knocks on the other restroom door. "Ticket, please!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!"

"I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed one of his client's jurors to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, fearing the murder charge being brought by the state. The jury was out for days before returning with the verdict:

manslaughter!

Later, as Murphy paid off the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a hard time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Boy, did I!" said the juror. "They kept voting to acquit!"
~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.

The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.

The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man.

I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you."

That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished."

The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow, she's going to let the County bury her!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Oh what a beautiful morning.
Oh what a beautiful day.
I've got a beautiful feeling,
Everything's going my way.

I keep trying to get away from everything, but I can't run fast enough. razz

At least everything's beautiful huh?

Beautiful morning, beautiful day, beautiful feeling, bla bla bla bla bla. rolleyes

I've got some pretty ugly feelings in my feet, my ankles, my back, my shoulders,......let's see... think....oh yeah in the rest of my body. lol

I do have beautiful thoughts much of the time though.

Well primarily it's my imagination. think

Oh yeah, real beauties. wink

I call them my Kodak Moments. woot

Have a beautiful day everybody.

joe


Edited by gymcandy1 (11/17/13 11:49 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#925023 - 11/17/13 11:56 PM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65239
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
lol Thanks for starting our day with a smile Joe.

I hope your day is as awesome as you are my friend because that is pretty awesome! hearts

Have a wonderful day everyone! I believe I am having lunch with a neighbor of mine that I haven't seen since my early twenties. He and I were close back then and we drifted apart. Hopefully a dog run and dance will be part of the day too.


Ana wave
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#925024 - 11/18/13 01:29 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Drmojo Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 12/04/04
Posts: 1798
Loc: Washington In the Wet corner
Morning Boom Boom Buddies~

Hi Joe~ Hope you have a Beautiful day pumpkin

Hi ya Ana~ Thank you for changing my pic,
I ended up not cleaning out Mo's tack
locker yet, I started crying and my friends
their told me to wait til i was ready, I
thought i was but i guess not~ the owner
said their was no hurry I could leave
it as long as i need to. she's so nice~

Have a nice day Boomers fall pumpkin fall pumpkin
_________________________
OSO live
OSO Love
++OSO Strong++



Peace be with you~

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#925030 - 11/18/13 03:19 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7817
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana,Karen and all who come in later. wave
My son is sick AGAIN sick
Fever,cough,sniffle all the good things from the preschool frown
Doc.appointment in a while...

Have all a nice day. happydance smile
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#925033 - 11/18/13 05:00 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17314
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, Karen and Haroula. Joe have a fun day! Ana sounds like a great day planned. Karen nice to see you in the diner. I'm thinking of you. Take Care. Who is that cute little pup in the Santa outfit? Haroula hope your son feels better. Coffee is ready. Wishing you all a wonderful day. wave
_________________________
Gerry

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#925042 - 11/18/13 06:45 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8121
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. A Walmart trip is on today's agenda. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Monday. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Muffins in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#925054 - 11/18/13 08:18 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Online   content
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15335
Loc: Unionville
Good Monday morning boomers. wave Thanks for the laughs Joe smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#925058 - 11/18/13 08:39 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14569
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, you're ver cheerful this morning. Enjoy the day!

Ana, enjoy your lunch. It's so enjoyable to meet up with old friends.

Haroula, once you send your child off to school that's it for staying healthy.

Karen, Hugs! That's so nice you can take your time cause it's going to take time.

Gerry, enjoy the day!

Connie, have a great time at WalMart.

Manxman, good morning.

Good day wished to All! Raining here. Looks like a gaming day. woot
_________________________
Gail

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#925076 - 11/18/13 09:52 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9404
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Happy Monday Monday tooooooo yoooouuuuu!!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#925099 - 11/18/13 11:13 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7290
Loc: San Diego, CA
I WIN, I win, I win! The SUV has moved (dunno where yet) and the Silver Sedan is ACROSS the street this morning when I got up. Hooray! Persistence and stupidity pay off. AND the Cadillac hasn't been back since my second 'attack'. Wheeeee! Now I have to write an email to the city Vehicle Abatement Dept. explaining that I don't need them anymore. I hope this isn't just a temporary fix, but I'm thinking it's a done deal. Whooopppeee!

Off to the bank to try to get as much cash as my checking will allow. I'm completely out of spending money and my sister will be visiting sometime soon. Charge cards to the max so that won't work either. Oh PLEASE New Year come soon so I can get a load of cash back in my account (my friend/tenant pays me an entire year at one time and in return I don't raise his rent). It's a good deal for both of us. Then I've got a big checking account, can pay big expenses when they happen instead of waiting for a monthly meager retirement check.

No yard kid for a few weeks, maybe he's in jail again. I need some tumbleweed cut and bagged and he's the likely candidate.

Off to inspect the empty house. Didn't record last night (so tired of all that stuff) so I have no idea what I will find. Hope it's safe, sound, and all locked up tight.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#925104 - 11/18/13 11:15 AM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13696
Loc: northern Wisconsin
lol Joe thanks for the chuckles!! May you have a lovely day off.

Ana sounds like good plans for the day and I hope that they all pan out for you!! Have a lovely day!

Aw Haroula HUGS to Jr. Sorry he is sick again. Always seems to happen when they go to school. duh Good luck at the docs and have a lovely day!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a nice walk and a lovely day!

Connie happy shopping!!! Thanks for all the treats!!

Gail not raining but I do see a flake or two every once in awhile so gaming it is. Happy gaming and have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly and time fly! Have as lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!!

wave
Nan

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#925121 - 11/18/13 12:17 PM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
Good Morning Boomers!! Joe, silly and full of laughs as ever. Ana, enjoy your lunch with your pal. Karen, Gail is right, it takes time so just hold your love and memories close. Oh Haroula, not again!! Thanks for the coffee Gerry. Hi Connie, have a nice day. Hi to you too manxman and may you have a good day also. Enjoy your game time Gail. Have a great workday Darlene. Good luck with your money moving Sorta. Hi Nan, hope you're staying warm with little Sassy!! We are on a High Wind Warning from one this afternoon til ten tonight. Gusts up to 60 so I'm not too happy. Need to run to town and get supplies for my mum as she has an unexpected but welcome house guest. Happy Gaming everyone!! wave


Edited by Lotus777 (11/18/13 06:06 PM)
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#925130 - 11/18/13 12:44 PM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65239
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
My day is slipping away so quickly with unexpected things so I have to fly through for now. I am back in the corner, lunch date is tentatively rescheduled for tomorrow but I still hope to dance later. I am heading out to the river with the dogs now but I shudder to think of all the mud. eek

Haroula, hope your little guy feels better soon.

Have an awesome day!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#925159 - 11/18/13 03:53 PM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9582
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
Good afternoon Boomers. wave
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#925163 - 11/18/13 04:27 PM Re: Monday Monday [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13696
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Well Lotus I hope they are wrong about the wind strength. Have a lovely day!

Ana HUGS!!! Hope the corner moves right along for you so you may dance the night away!!

Space have a lovely evening.

I am getting ready to be kidnapped!!

wave
Nan

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