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#925210 - 11/18/13 10:01 PM Tuesday's
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 29786
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Woody Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~


Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in single file. The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter. A few moments later, the front tiger feels what seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of this action, but doesn't want to start anything by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
~~~~~~~~~


A man was summoned to his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first." "Your wife found a picture worth a million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" laughed the man. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

The terrible news is...

"The picture is of you and your secretary!"
~~~~~~~~~

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
~~~~~

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,

"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma "
~~~~~~~~~~~

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"
~~~~~~~~~~

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him.

"I don't have to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The Mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made."

A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."

The confused girl returns to her mother and says, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?"

The Mother answers, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."
~~~~~~~~~~

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "He likes beer and women with big boobs."
~~~~~~~~~~

Me and that boy's dad have similar taste.

I like beer too. wink

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

What comes after Monday?

Funday. lol

That probably won't hold true next week.

I won't be shopping next week. woot

I have to go get a couple pair of new jeans.

I really really miss having a wife to go shopping with. rolleyes

I absolutely loved standing around in the ladies underwear section, holding her purse while she tried things on. slapforehead

I would go shopping with my sister if she didn't have to borrow all her money from me. shame

They don't make underwear that big anyway. dance

I hope you all have a big *** day.

SORRY! My bad.

Have a happy day everyone.


joe


Edited by BrownEyedTigre (11/18/13 11:35 PM)
Edit Reason: :)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#925220 - 11/18/13 11:39 PM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63365
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe and all. I'll be in the corner and possibly out for lunch.

I wish you all a happy day! hearts
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#925233 - 11/19/13 03:06 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 6907
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,Ana and all who come in later. wave
Have a nice day. smile happydance
_________________________
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.





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#925242 - 11/19/13 05:07 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 16310
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana, and Haroula. Joe have faun day. Ana don't work to hard. Haroula hope your son is feeling better. Coffee is ready. Have a wonderful day everyone. pumpkin
_________________________
Gerry

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#925253 - 11/19/13 06:15 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14467
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. I hope you all have a good day today.

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#925254 - 11/19/13 06:18 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 7809
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Tuesday. Please keep hubby in your prayers, his legs are getting very weak. He will have a scan next week and see the Dr. the following week. I'm very worried about him. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and Muffins in the NC. fall
_________________________
Connie

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#925268 - 11/19/13 07:37 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 13757
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, thanks for the laughs.

Ana, hope you get the chance to take the lunch break.

Haroula, how's the little one feeling?

Gerry, thanks for the coffee.

Midgie, enjoy the day also.

Connie, prayers out to you for Hubby's health. Hope the Scan is good.

Anyone know how Sue is doing?

Good day is wished to everyone! Got a Doc appointment this morning. Be back later.
_________________________
Gail

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#925285 - 11/19/13 08:47 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 13913
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a great day smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#925299 - 11/19/13 10:03 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: manxman]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9151
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! My hubby will do that, Joe...hold my purse while I'm shopping. smile Hope your Tuesday's tremendous!

Connie, prayers going up for your Hubby that all is OK. hearts

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!

_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#925327 - 11/19/13 11:17 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13275
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe enjoy your day off. Any head hunting?? Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Haroula hope that Jr is feeling better today! Have a lovely day!

Ana may the project move right along for you so you may keep that posponded lunch date!! Have a lovely day! HUGS!

Gerry thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Midge safe travels to your moms! HUGS!!

Connie prayers for hubby. May the scan go well and the doc appointment go well also. HUGS! Thanks for the treats!

Gail best of luck at the doc appointment!! Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

Darlene may all go smoothly for you today! Have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#925329 - 11/19/13 11:23 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: Darlene]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2309
Loc: Switzerland
Good morning sweet Boomers!

Still a lot to do for the exhibition in Belgium and for two competitions I'd like to participate.

Speaking of competitions: I got an email from Potters Council Juried Show that I won in a US-contest and that my ceramic will be exhibited at the NCECA (National Council on Education for the Ceramic Arts) in Milwaukee in March 2014. dance I'am absolutely over the moon!

Connie: you and hubby are in my prayers and I'am sending big bear hugs! May the scan results will be to your satisfaction. kissy kissy
Please keep us informed.

I wish all of you a nice day, and that life is good to you!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#925330 - 11/19/13 11:23 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 41481
Loc: Alabama
Terrific Tuesday ya'll puppy

It's cold in Al...eeeek. Will have to wait til it warms up a bit this afternoon to take the Kman for his walk.

I cleaned the kitchen for 40 minutes this morning. Now it's time to sit and surf for a bit.

Daughter is on the phone telling me about her arms training for her deployment in Dec. wave
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#925331 - 11/19/13 11:27 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 63365
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Connie, sending prayers and positive thoughts to you and hubby. hearts

Evelyne, does this mean you will be going to Milwaukee? Say yes!!! It's only 90 minutes from my house. yay I could see you!

L4L, where is daughter going? That has to be scary.

Nan, the corner has me out of my comfort zone. It's action and I stink at it. rotfl

Be back
_________________________
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

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#925333 - 11/19/13 11:33 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2309
Loc: Switzerland
Ana: I sure am invited but, you know, I have fear of flying, almost insuperable cry But: never say never.... kissy
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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#925341 - 11/19/13 11:58 AM Re: Tuesday's [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 6775
Loc: San Diego, CA
Cool cloudy day here. Nice for a change from our sunny weather.

I 'think' the Parking Wars may be over, at least for now. Nary a car in front of my house all day and night yesterday. I'm back to normal (well normal for ME).

Expired Tag SUV still parked down the adjoining street, and 2 of the people who actually live on that street had to adjust their parking because of it. 2 cars parked in front of the SUV all night, a bit closer to the corner than they would like.

I'm still monitoring the whole stupid mess to see if things remain the same. It's just a matter of time till the guy, whose elderly mom lives right where the SUV is now parked, gets curious and calls in the 'abandoned' vehicle with no tags. I'm waiting for the fun to begin.

Silver Sedan parked ACROSS the street again and didn't come near my area. I guess he got the message. Now I'm probably being called the neighborhood bully. I think I like it. My new motto will be: Don't Mess With Sorta!
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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