The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
This guy walks into a bar and ask the bar tender for a drink. He gets his drink and minds his own business and looks up and down the bar. To his amazement, he is stunned to see a 10' pianist on top of the bar. "Hey bartender," he says..."What is that 10' pianist doing on top of your bar?" "Well, you see this lamp?" asks the bartender. "Rub this lamp and you can make a wish, and you will see why I have a 10' pianist on the bar." So the man rubs the lamp and he wishes for a million bucks. All of a sudden, the doors pop open and a million ducks come flying into the bar. "Hey wait a minute!" says the man. "I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks." The bartender looks at him and says..."I didn't want a 10' pianist either."
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"
"The guy was your doctor."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor . "What kind is it?"
Did you know that there is only two good things that come out of Oklahoma?
I-35 South & I-35 North...
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks
for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One penny?!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied, "Yes."
So, the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a
nice juicy T-bone steak, with fries, peas, and a salad?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four cents," he replies.
"Four cents?!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Good morning everyboomie.
Ok for me it's 10:20 last night and I just got home and need to eat and maybe even take a shower.
I don't want to gross my dog out.
Anyway it's late, I'm tired, and ready to shake the world off my shoulders and relax a while.
I hope you all have a super Tuesday.
Don't forget to vote.