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#930389 - 12/17/13 07:00 PM Hump Day
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30035
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long.
[info][add][mail][note]Leonard Bernstein (1918 - 1990)
~~~~~~~~~~~

A blind man enters a Ladies bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind - that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 feet tall, 160 LB. blonde
woman with a black belt in Karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is
blonde and is a professional
weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and declares: "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immidiatly ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slamed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"

"For what ever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time, Hercules, Snow White and Quasimoto were talking over a
picnic lunch.

Hercules said, "You know everyone says I'm the strongest mortal on earth,
but I don't know how to prove it. That bothers me a lot."

Snow White said, "you're right! Everyone says I'm the fairest, but how can
I be sure?"

Quasimoto agrees. "Yeah, and I'm supposed to be the ugliest!"

Suddenly Snow White has an idea. "You know, guys, I've got the answer.
Let's pray about this and ask God to tell us the truth."

Hercules said, "Great. Let's meet tomorrow and tell our tales."

The next day they meet at a restaurant in town. Hercules said, "I talked
to God, and He said I'm the strongest."

Snow White said, "As did I, and I'm the truly the fairest."

Quasimoto had his head bowed, as he shamefully asked, "Who is Janet Reno?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Things To Say To Telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes
are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work
if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could
know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that
telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your
dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.
"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.
"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.
"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."
"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.
Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"
"Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I'm not waiting for inspiration. My weekend is over, and I'm back at work at 5:00am (always moaning). frown12

That means getting up at 3:30am (always moonlight). cry12

In turn I'll be getting off at 2:00ap (always a pleasure). woot

That means I gotta get this started, and go get cozy with my Baby in bed real soon. happydance12

You can only imagine my excitement. santadance

My Baby is a real dog, but she's beautiful to me. puppy WOOF!

My bed is a pain in the back, but I love it just the same. sleep12

Hope you all have a happy day.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#930394 - 12/17/13 07:18 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Space Quest Fan Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/17/01
Posts: 9547
Loc: Columbus,Ohio USA
thanks for the jokes Joe. rotfl12
_________________________
It's nice to be important but it is much more important to be nice.

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#930446 - 12/18/13 01:25 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 7714
Loc: Greece
Good morning Joe,SpaceQF and all who come in later. wave12
Have a great day all. santadance
_________________________

Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#930460 - 12/18/13 05:08 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17207
Loc: Marlborough USA
winter Good Morning Joe, SpaceQ and Haroula. Joe hope your work day flies by. SpaceQ and Haroula enjoy your day. Hot coffee and hot chocolate ready and waiting. Wishing everyone a wonderful day! winter
_________________________
Gerry

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#930471 - 12/18/13 05:46 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14474
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, at least you'll be getting out early.

Space, good morning!

Haroula, a good day is wished.

Gerry, looking forward to a nice hot cup of coffee. Thanks!

Shoveling out this morning. A trip to the grocery store is in store. Wishing everyone a great day! happydance12
_________________________
Gail

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#930474 - 12/18/13 06:29 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8082
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Ana, I hope you can find Merlin's brace. puppy The timer on the dryer quit working yesterday. We went out for the day and when we came back it was still running. I'm not sure I'll want to see the gas bill this month. frown12 It will have to wait til after the first to be fixed. Until then I'll just time by the clock. To all here and all who follow, have a Great Hump day. Danish, Bacon Sandwiches, and French Toast in the NC. winter
_________________________
Connie

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#930480 - 12/18/13 07:24 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15173
Loc: Unionville
Good morning boomers. Hope everyone has a wonderful wednesday wave12
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#930496 - 12/18/13 09:28 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Online   happy
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65029
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
I thought I posted on this last night but I am losing my mind. I have a couple more hours of work until I can get out of the corner so I have to fly by for now.

Have a wonderful day Joe and all!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#930499 - 12/18/13 10:04 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9374
Loc: Southern California
wave12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope your early work day goes easy peasy!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#930503 - 12/18/13 10:37 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42306
Loc: Alabama
Wonderful Wednesday ya'll puppy

We have a lovely day out today. I've been up forever...read my entire WSJ, gone through today's and tomorrow's allotment of coffee, ordered Christmas gifts, made smoothies for us all, fed the doggies and am just waiting for son to leave for work afterwhich I'm going back to bed. I must have looked at the clock every 20 minutes last night. I hate nights like that. wave12
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#930517 - 12/18/13 11:40 AM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13657
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Busy day today but wanted to stop by and wish everybody a lovely day!!!

Midge sending the Band for your trip to see your mom. Have a lovely visit and safe travels!

wave12
Nan


Edited by auntiegram (12/18/13 11:41 AM)
Edit Reason: forgot the 12

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#930524 - 12/18/13 12:11 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7249
Loc: San Diego, CA
Yup Connie, my Utility bill just arrived and its TWICE what it has been for the past several months. Gotta keep warm though. It's worth the extra pennies.

Cold nights again, looks like rain, and I smell strong smoke odor. Hope there isn't a brush fire somewhere around. We are on Red Flag Warning (extreme low humidity) and one little spark could mean disaster. Praying nobody gets careless.

Going out to lunch with my old teacher friends. Should be very fun as usual. Get all the gossip from those who still keep in with the 'working' crowd. Maybe will find out something new about our indited board members who go to trial in January/February for corruption, kickbacks, etc. Can hardly wait.

Everyone stay warm. We are expecting cooler weather now. Down from 80 to maybe 70 today, but nights are in the 40's still. Burrrrr.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#930527 - 12/18/13 12:34 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
Lotus777 Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 03/12/06
Posts: 3270
Loc: Oregon
'Morning Boomies!! Oh yes, those utility bills are going to be frightful. In addition to the woodfires in both houses we have been using the oil based free standing heaters, a furnace here during the coldest parts of the nights and at my mums, base board heaters. I am in dread of the upcoming bills!! I wonder if they would take a nice boat in trade...not really!!! Last night was much warmer at only 39* but tonight and tomorrow night are supposed to dip back down again. Other than that have most of Christmas shopping is done and cards mailed etc. Maybe, just maybe I can game a little bit!! You are supposed to have some clouds and maybe rain moving in soon Sorta and I hope it will help. It is unheard of to have these fires in December!! Well, almost. Hi Nan, hope you are staying warm enough with little Sassy. L4L, I hope you can make up for the lost z's. Darlene and manxman, hope your day is a good one. Ana, hope your exit form the corner arrives very soon! Stay warm Gail and Gerry, at least the snow is insulating! Hi SQF, hope you have a great day and thanks as always for your wonderful humor, Joe!! Happy Gaming everyone!! wave12 penguin winter
_________________________
Lotus
Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay in, the more wrinkled you get.

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#930558 - 12/18/13 03:58 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42306
Loc: Alabama
Can't seem to sleep, but it is a good day to hog the bed (when the dogs let me) and read. Will get back on the merry go round tomorrow puppy
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#930568 - 12/18/13 05:34 PM Re: Hump Day [Re: looney4labs]
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30035
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Hello all. wave12

It was a smashingly Spring like day here, with temps up around 70. smile12

I work at 5:00 tomorrow and Friday, so when I got off, I came home and started getting ready for tomorrow, then showered, then fixed dinner. wink12

Now I get the diner ready for tomorrow and then beddie bye time. sleep12

I am going to try and get a little gaming in there first. thumbsup12

Get this. I am off this weekend, then I work Monday and Tuesday, then I am off Wed, Thur, & Fri. penguin

Then I'm off for two weeks in January, because I have to use up vacation time before the end of January. rolleyes12

I think I need to plan on taking my vacation EARLIER in the year. grin12

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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