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#933262 - 01/02/14 09:51 PM TGIF
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30157
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Women have a much better time than men in this world. There are far more things forbidden to them.
Oscar Wilde
~~~~~~~~~


Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."
~~~~~~~~~~


Two drunks are walking along.

One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night... look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

They started arguing for a while when they came upon another drunk walking, so they stopped him.

"Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I'm not from around here."
~~~~~~~~

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "You know for someone who can't fly, you sure complain a lot!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~


A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You Americans are so rude." she said, "Cant you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "Lady, Ive been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the window, and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the ladys description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bit.....dog....out of the window."

(no animals were harmed in the making of this joke)
~~~~~~~~~~~


It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
~~~~~~~~


An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and passes gas, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~


The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my [blip] to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's [blip] and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"

The general replied, "In Vietnam."
~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ..."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is Sister McGregor out there again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

I have to complain about a massive pain in my behind. mad12

Guess I'll either have to quit sitting on it so much, OR find someone to massage it. grinch

Maybe my doctor will want the job. happydance12

She keeps telling me I'm suffering from acute behind. woot

Thank You!!

I'll be here all week. thumbsup12

Probably the week after too. dance

Hav a happy day everyone. urock

joe








Edited by gymcandy1 (01/02/14 10:12 PM)
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#933266 - 01/02/14 10:33 PM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65793
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Joe, I hope that you feel better today and that you have the day off.
Thanks for starting the day with a smile. hearts

Have a happy Friday all!

Ana wave12
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#933290 - 01/03/14 03:26 AM Re: TGIF [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6096
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana wave12Joe I hope your feeling better! It's still snowing here we have blizzard conditions shiverGerry I hope all is well with you and you haven't lost power santaCoffee is on keeping it hot this morning!Happy day wished for all winter
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#933296 - 01/03/14 04:30 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17626
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana and Cailyn. Joe hoe you feel better. Ana have a stress free day. Sue I saw on my news this morning that you have blizzard conditions with 2 feet of snow. I hope you don't loose power either. Temperatures with the wind chill are 10 to 20 below zero for today! We already have 8 inches of snow and it's not going to end till this afternoon. Burrrrr! shiver Have a warm and cozy day All! happydance12
_________________________
Gerry

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#933305 - 01/03/14 06:08 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
venus Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 03/07/09
Posts: 5682
Loc: Arcadia (twin world of Stark)
Hope you feel better, Joe!!

Have a great Friday, Ana!

Happy day to you, too, Cailyn!

Wow, that's a lot of snow, Gerry. Hope you can stay warm, stay inside and that you keep your power. shiver

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes!! Unfortunately I still have this stupid cold, and it's back to work for me today. I also have snow, not the amount Gerry has, but there are a good five or so inches out there. Too bad it couldn't have happened the night before last or tonight, so I could just enjoy the pretty snow instead of having to drive in it. lol12

Oh, well, I'm off to get ready for work. Have a great Friday, everyone. winter


Edited by venus (01/03/14 06:08 AM)

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#933308 - 01/03/14 06:18 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Haroula Online   happy
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 06/02/10
Posts: 8112
Loc: Greece
Have a great Friday boomers wave12
_________________________
Dear Math, please grow up and solve your own problems, I'm tired of solving them for you.



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#933311 - 01/03/14 07:03 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Online   happy
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14746
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Well, it's still snowing out there. I think we have 2 feet of snow so far. Yesterday I told Mike Bliss that I wouldn't be at their house today. There's no way I'm going anywhere today. Br-r-r-r-r. I'll have to go out there and clean off my car and shovel around it. Not looking forward to that. Stay safe everyone who's in the middle of all this snow storm. eek12 winter winter winter happydance12 happydance12

Midgie hearts
_________________________
Just do it.

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#933318 - 01/03/14 08:18 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14786
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, hope you're better today!

Ana, enjoy what5ever is on your agenda this morning.

Sue, get out the shovels. Dress warm.

Gerry, weather is not good out there today. We kept our power also.

Venus, I don't like driving in snow either.

Midgie, holy cow, do you believe all this snow and cold? Be careful shoveling your car out. I shoveled off a little out back early this morning so the dogs could go out and the icy wind kept blowing the snow back in my face. shiver It's 5 degrees and chill factor well below zero. eek12

Connie, I got some snow here to send you.

Brrr, today. Will be trying to clean out soon as all this snow stops. winter winter
_________________________
Gail

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#933334 - 01/03/14 10:04 AM Re: TGIF [Re: GBC]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9481
Loc: Southern California
happydance12 Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! Hope you feel better soon and hope your TGIF is whatever you'd like it to be!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

It's Friday! woot

To all experiencing the massive snow storm, please stay safe and warm!

Alrighty, gotta skoosh! See you later!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#933341 - 01/03/14 10:18 AM Re: TGIF [Re: GBC]
gymcandy1 Online   happy
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30157
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
Good morning everyone. wave12

It's a bright sunny day here. Too bad my disposition is not so sunny. My sinus is going non-stop. taz

It's sunny but very cold still. shiver

I'm trying to explain to Baby why I don't want to go outside and play, but she doesn't get it. puppy

Good thing I'm off today. I had to miss work yesterday. duh12

Someone just drove up.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#933354 - 01/03/14 11:51 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13808
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Please, all of you in the cold and all that snow.....be careful if you have to go out and may your power remain on!! We have warmed up to a nice +2 so far with a chance of snow for today and tonight, then back to the deep freeze.

Joe and venus prayers that you are both feeling better soonest! HUGS! Joe enjoy your quiet and restful day off. Thanks for the laughs. venus take it a little easy at work and drive safely!

Ana have a lovely day and enjoy all that nice new fallen snow. May the corner move right along, if that is where you are.

Haroula have a lovely day!

Sue, Gerry, Gail, and Midge please be safe in the blizzard!!

Darlene may work fly and all go smoothly! Almost weekend time!! Have a lovely day!

Should be another Abbi day!!! Her mom is going to the court to get a restraining order against him!!!!! Then off to taxi and work the fish fry!!

wave12
Nan

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#933356 - 01/03/14 11:55 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
flutist Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/17/01
Posts: 11422
Loc: Kirkwood, MO USA
Good morning friends.

Brrr, it was 2 degrees when we got up this morning. Expecting at least 6 inches of snow tomorrow night and Sunday. Then the temperature drops and we have below 0 temps Monday - Tuesday with wind chills around -30. Not looking forward to this.

Ana, how much snow did you get?

Midgie, so glad you are not going out today. Be careful shoveling snow.

Joe, hope you get to feeling better.

Dar, how is the weather in CA?

Gail, Gerry and Sue. Yuck to your snow storm. Stay warm.

Venus, hope you get over your cold soon.

Harcoula, have a good day. How is your weather?

Bill and I went to Wally World this morning. Just picking up things we needed. Nothing exciting.

Well, gotta go think about lunch.

Have a good day everyone.

Hi Nan. Have fun at the fish fry.

Bets


Edited by flutist (01/03/14 11:57 AM)
Edit Reason: Nan snuck in
_________________________
Corgis fill your life with Joy, your heart with Love, and your soul with Sunshine.

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#933357 - 01/03/14 11:57 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Online   content
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42646
Loc: Alabama
Fantastic Friday ya'll puppy

We have bright sun and blue skies happydance12 It is cold though...eek eek and more eek. No snow though so I can't complain when I read about all the snow you guys have. Maybe (and that is a big maybe) I will wrap up this afternoon and take the monkeys to the park.

Boys are here. Son is off. Hubby is feeling sickie. Back/hip/leg still there but not as bad so we shall see what the day brings. wave12


Edited by looney4labs (01/03/14 12:02 PM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#933358 - 01/03/14 11:57 AM Re: TGIF [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7419
Loc: San Diego, CA
I 'think' I remember SNOW. It's that wet, cold, lovely white, cold, fluffy flaked, cold, beautiful stuff that falls softly from the sky. Ahhhh. Now that I've said that and had the happy memories, I'm hoping everyone IN the snow areas stays safe and warm. Looks like New York (my original location) is getting hammered. Oh dear!

I'm off to the Movies. Gonna be fun I think. Anchorman 2.
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#933366 - 01/03/14 12:11 PM Re: TGIF [Re: Sorta Blonde]
Gimli Offline
Addicted Boomer

Registered: 06/15/05
Posts: 2314
Loc: Switzerland
Good TGIF morning and afternoon and evening to you all

Joe and everybody suffering from bugs: please relax at home, drink a lot of tea with honey and get well soon kissy12

Ana: how is Merlin doing? That is a beautiful picture you posted yesterday!

Nan: how is granddaughter? I'am still praying for her that she will find the good way...

Rain, wind and fog here, but temps are in the 50F, not bad for winter. Tomorrow we'll drive to Genoa for grocery shopping. Maybe hubby and I will be kidlike enough to go to the aquarium dance

In any case: see you tomorrow again. Love!

Evelyne
_________________________
"You ask me what life is. That's like asking me what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot is a carrot" (A. Chekhov)

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