To punish me for my contempt for authority, fate made me an authority myself.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"
A British Man, a French man, and an American man are on a safari in Africa, and they are taken prisoner by a savage group of villagers. As they're being brought to the village, they are told that death was their only option, however, they each had their choice of the method they would use to kill themselves. The British man requested a pistol, and cried out "Long live the queen!" as he blew his brains out. The two others watched in horror as the savages flayed the man and made his skin into a canoe. The French man was next, and he requested a Saber. "Vive le France" was what he cried out as he disemboweled himself. The American guy watched again what they did with his body, as they made his skin into a canoe. The last guy, the American guy requested a fork in which to kill himself. As soon as it was handed to him, he started stabbing himself violently as he screamed "Let's see you make a canoe out of this!"
A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my [blip]. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your [blip] back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.
The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.
The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."
"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.
The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.
"No," said the little girl.
So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.
"Noooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy."
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
A school teacher started his first job at a primary school and was eager to make a good impression on the kids. So, when he noticed a boy standing all by himself during recess, while the other kids were playing a game of soccer, he walked up to him and asked "Are you alright ?"
The boy assured him everything was fine and the teacher left it at that. A few minutes later, however, he noticed that the boy was still standing alone and had not joined the other boys.
Deciding to find out what was wrong this time, the teacher approached him again and said, " Hi, are you sure you're not feeling left out? Would you like me to be your friend ?"
The boy obviously felt a little embarrassed, but after a little hesitation said, "Maybe". Encouraged by his progress, the teacher asked, "Tell me, why are you standing here alone?"
"Because", the boy said with clear exasperation in his voice. "I am the goalie"
Good morning Boomers!
It's a new day, but in effect it's 'New day, SOS.'
At least it's Friday for me, and I have to close again, from 1:00 to whenever.
All the managers at work were running around screaming "The sky is falling!" because of corporate visitors coming today, so it's the usual scrub scrub, work work, get everything perfect.
I say if they expected everything to be perfect in our store, they wouldn't come to inspect us in the first place.
Give 'em something to complain about for Pete's sake.
I don't like to complain personally but, it's too late, I'm too tired, and I'm freezing.
I just ate some ice cream.
Have a happy day everyone.