Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"
The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."
With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist
for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around
his head, annoying him considerably.
"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.
"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure
right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"
"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that
are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle
around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."
The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well,
that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to
call me a horse's back side. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication
about an officer of the law, would you?"
"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the
utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of
implying that one of them was a horse's back side. No, sir, I'm terribly
sorry if that's how it sounded."
"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.
"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those
circle flies, is there?"
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really? Like a baby?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just messed my pants."
Three men are involved in a car crash on December 24th and arrive at the pearly gates where they are met by Saint Peter who tells them that because it is Christmas eve they must go back to the car and find something related to Christmas and give it to him in order to enter heaven.
The first man goes back, looks under the front seat, finds a Christmas card and rushes back to Saint Peter and is promply let in. The second man looks in the trunk and finds some miseltoe and rushes back to Saint Peter and is also let in.
The third man was having no luck finding anything in the car and starts to panic knowing that he will never enter heaven if he dosen't come up with something associated with Christmas. He had about given up when he looks into the glove compartment where he finds a pair of sexy underpants...it is almost midnight, so he figures he has nothing to lose and quickly sprints off.
He runs up to golden gates and hands the panties to Saint Peter...the perplexed saint holds them gingerly between finger and thumb and says "what do these have to do with Christmas ?" the man sheepishly says "they're Carols?"
It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."
After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"
"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.
Good morning everyboomie.
The sky is falling, the world is ending, I'm seeing ghost of dead squirrels, cows and pigs are mating, I have to be back at work at 6:00am, and that's not even the worst. My sister comes home tonight.
The straw that broke the hump-backed moose's back is that I'm not even in bed yet.
I don't think I am anyway. If I am this is a weird dream, and I didn't even sleep that good last night.
Anybody know a good shrink?
It's the day after yesterday but regardless of that, I want to wish you all a happy day before tomorrow.
Does my light look dimmer to you?