Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard (1864 - 1910)
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:
There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year, which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
Little Johnny's next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little
baby was born with no ears. When they
arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family
to come over and see their
Little Johnny's parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack
to say about the baby. So, Little
Johnny's dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the
He said, "Now, son...that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to
be on your best behavior and not
say one word about his ears, or I'm really going to spank your butt when we
get back home."
"I promise not to mention his ears at all," said Little Johnny...At the
neighbor's home, Little Johnny leaned over
the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said,
"Oh, what a beautiful little baby!"
The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny's comment, was pleasantly
surprised and said, "Thank you very
much, Little Johnny."
He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet.
Why, just look at his pretty little eyes! Did
his doctor say he can see good?"
The mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies "Why, yes ... his
doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you
Little Johnny said, "Well, it's a good thing, cause he sure can't
wear glasses "
A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in- law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment, loud and long, on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing - "Well, you haven't used the gift I gave you last year."
Five cannibals get appointed as programmers in an IT company.
During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees."
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our cleaners has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing cleaner. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the cleaner?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Managers, and Project Managers so no-one would notice anything, and you have to go and eat the cleaner!"
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."
~~~~~~~The 14 Biggest Lies
14. It's not you, it's me.
13. The check is in the mail.
12. You get this one, I'll pay next time.
11. You look great.
10. Of course I love you.
9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing.
8. ...but we can still be good friends.
7. She means nothing to me.
6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty."
5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone.
4. I'll call you later.
3. I've never done anything like this before.
2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you.
1. I DO.
0. You're going to have a baby sister Joe, and you have lots of fun together.
Good morning everyboomie.
Did you know that he who laughs last, gets the least sleep?
You knew that?
When were you gonna tell me?
Maybe you can tell me this then. If I can save 15% in 15 minutes, what if I take say.......99 minutes?
I'm not sure I told you guys this but....................Oh hell, I know for a fact I didn't tell you, cause I just found out Sunday myself, that my department was the #1 department in the whole store last year, for the 3rd year in a row?
That's not is sales volume, but in increase in sales over the previous year on a percentage basis.
Just thought you should know.
You can't congratulate me if you don't know.
I was wondering, if this is how you spell 3rd
, is this how you spell 4rd
If it is, then how do you spell Chevrolet
Have a happy day everyone.
Anyone here ever drive a 3rd??