History is more or less bunk. It's tradition. We don't want tradition. We want to live in the present and the only history that is worth a tinker's dam is the history we made today.
Henry Ford (1863 - 1947), Interview in Chicago Tribune, May 25th, 1916
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cabbage cooking.
Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, Apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a Happy Birthday!!!
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween
party, and I want to go as Adam."
The girl brings out a fig leaf.
But he says, "Not big enough!"
So she brings out a bigger one.
"Still not big enough!"
So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf.
"Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her.
So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your
shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
~~~~~~~~~Not To Be Heard During Surgery
1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
9. "[blip], there go the lights again...."
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"
~~~~~~~~~~ A Dinner Conversation That Went Wrong
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
Good morning everyboomie.
I don't have my calender with me, but I know that today is the day after yesterday, so I'll go on the assumption that this is yesterday's tomorrow.......bleak as it is.
I say that because one person's trash is another person's treasure, and the rest of the world's weekend, is my ball & chain, back to the salt mine, end of the world.
Ah but it's a three day week for me. Then while the rest of the world goes back to work, I'll be surf & turfing on the sands of Waikiki.
Ok on the sands of our creek.
The point is I'll be on a nuther weekend.
Don't anyone mention being retired, and never going back to work at all, or I just might have to take you off my Christmas card list, and send my sister to spend a month with you.
So smile, and have a happy end of the world everyone.