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#943695 - 03/07/14 08:04 PM Saturdiner
gymcandy1 Offline
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/24/05
Posts: 30067
Loc: Mead, Oklahoma
When the President does it, that means it's not illegal.
Richard Nixon
~~~~~~~~~~


A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
~~~~~~~~~~


IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the
inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.
~~~~~~~~~~

The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
~~~~~~~~~

Three rednecks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were stumbling home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here", says Bubba, "It's Zeb Jones' grave, God bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Earl, "here's one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Jeb yells out, "But here's a fella that died when he was 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Bubba.

Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Georgia."
~~~~~~~~~~


Great news Boomers! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-released
their great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their aging
audience.


Some examples:

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".
~~~~~~~~~~

Arkansaw Drivers License Application

Plez compleet this paper, best ya can.

Last name: ________________

First name:
[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bubba

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Janitor [_] Still Operator
[_] Un-employed

Spouse's Name: ______________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: _______________________________
2nd Lover's Name: ____________________________

Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister
[_] Aunt
[_] Mother
[_] Cousin
[_] Daughter
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mama's Name: ____________________
Daddy's Name: ____________________

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
If you obtained a higher education what was your
major?
[_] 5th grade [_] 6th grade

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Age you started drivin ______ (If over 10 are you
still slow lerrnin ? [_] Yes [_] No)

Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom/outhouse
____ shed ____ pawnshop

Model and year of your pickup: 194_ 195_ 196_ 197_

Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Guns and Ammo [_] Bassmasters

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

How many teeth in YOUR mouth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A

Brand of chewing tobacco or snuff you prefer:
[_] Red-Man [_] Skoal
[_] Levi-Garrett [_] Copenhagen
[_] Days Work [_] Garrett Sweet Snuff
[_] Cannon Ball

How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
~~~~~~~~~~~

Good morning everyboomie. welcome

Welcome to the weekend! bravo

If by chance you're one of 'those people' who don't want the week to end, what's wrong with you man? shocked

I just don't want today to end, and strangely enough, by some twist of luck, it never does. yay

I plan on having a huge celebratory party when tomorrow gets here. snicker

If anyone ever asked me if I had to choose, what day I would prefer to die on, I would say I want to die yesterday.............DUH!! duh

No brainer.... slapforehead

If anyone ever asked me how many hours of sleep I needed per night I guess I would have to say........think.....let me sleep on it.

Have a happy day everybody.

joe
_________________________
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in." Will Rogers

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#943703 - 03/07/14 08:59 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65269
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Good morning Joe! I hope your workday goes by without a hitch. I'm feeling a bit lazy but I just got back from stuffing my face. I'm so full, I could go right to sleep.

Today will be in the corner except if the rain stays away I will run the dogs.

Have a happy day all!
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#943732 - 03/08/14 04:24 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: BrownEyedTigre]
cailyn Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 01/08/06
Posts: 6058
Loc: Somewhere ? in Massachusetts?
Good morning Joe,Ana waveIt took me 3 times to logged in this morning crazyCoffee is ready wishing you all a happy day sherlock
_________________________
I may not have gone where I intended to go,but I think I have ended up where I need to be.

Sue

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#943735 - 03/08/14 05:12 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Kaki's Sister Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 11/21/04
Posts: 17330
Loc: Marlborough USA
Good Morning Joe, Ana and Cailyn. Joe don't sleep on the job! sleep Ana hope you get to run with the dogs. lab How is Merlin doing? Cailyn are you having computer problems? smashpc Wishing everyone a great day. blackkitty blackkitty
_________________________
Gerry

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#943738 - 03/08/14 05:57 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
GBC Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 14582
Loc: Massachusetts
Good Morning Boomers

Joe, wishing you an easy day at work.

Ana, hope the corner is easy for you and the rain stays away.

Sue, thanks for the coffee. Glad you were able to connect this morning.

Gerry, enjoy whatever plans you have for the day.

Warmer weather today. 40's feels like a heat wave. Will be dog walking for sure this morning then maybe out with the girls for some fun shopping. lab
_________________________
Gail

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#943740 - 03/08/14 06:47 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
connie Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 07/12/02
Posts: 8127
Loc: winter springs fl.
Good morning everyone. Thanks for all the hugs and birthday wishes. My10, that is a lovely pic of all your children. Congrats to your daughter and her hubby. May their marriage and life be blessed. Our youngest son is getting married next Saturday. It will be in our back yard. Hubby was to walk Linda down the aisle, Robert will walk her now. They wanted to wait, but hubby would not have wanted that. It will be small, but nice. To all here and all who follow, have a Wonderful Saturday. Danish and French Toast in the NC. lab
_________________________
Connie

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#943741 - 03/08/14 08:01 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Midge Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 04/30/00
Posts: 14686
Loc: Massachusetts
Good morning. Thanks Joe for opening for us. Have a great day everyone.

Midgie hearts woot yay kitty frenchie
_________________________
Just do it.

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#943752 - 03/08/14 09:40 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
manxman Offline
Graduate Boomer

Registered: 07/23/02
Posts: 15349
Loc: Unionville
Good morning all. Hope everyone has a great Saturday smile
_________________________
Sometimes lost is where you need to be. Just because you don't know your direction doesn't mean you don't have one.

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#943763 - 03/08/14 11:00 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
auntiegram Offline
Adept Boomer

Registered: 06/10/06
Posts: 13702
Loc: northern Wisconsin
Joe may HUMP day fly for you and work go well. Thanks for the chuckles and have a lovely day!

Ana hope the corner moves right along for you and is kind. May the rain go somewhere else so you and the pups may have a lovely run!! The map shows more likely snow though. duh Have a lovely day!

Cailyn so glad you were able to sign back in. I just don't sign out as I have enough things that I have to try to remember. lol Thanks for the coffee and have a lovely day!

Gerry have a lovely day!

Oh Gail I like your temps!!! happydance Maybe some of the snow will go and you see some grass!! Enjoy your walk with the dogs and have a fun time shopping with the girls. Have a lovely day!

Oh Connie how special.....to be married in the back yard. Must really be a pretty back yard!!! Congrats to son and his soon to be bride. May they have many, many years together. HUGS! Thanks for the danish and have a lovely day!

Midge good morning!! May work be fun and the time fly! Have a lovely day!

Manxman have a lovely day!

wave
Nan

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#943770 - 03/08/14 11:29 AM Re: Saturdiner [Re: auntiegram]
Darlene Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 02/10/00
Posts: 9407
Loc: Southern California
wave Howdy ho, sweet Joe! Thanks for the openers! I especially liked the music for aging audiences! lol Hope your day is wonderful!

Good morning, sweet 'Boomies!

Phone chat with best bud this morning, then the day is open... happydance

Alrighty, off to see what's afoot!
_________________________
You become what you think about. Change your thoughts, change your life. - Dko

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#943787 - 03/08/14 12:18 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7296
Loc: San Diego, CA
Decided to get a jump on the big 'Spring Ahead' time change here so I set all the clocks, except for my grandfather clock that I rely on the most. Still have about 5 or so 'satellite' clocks which should set themselves. Some do, some don't. The signal doesn't like to drill through my stucco, lath and plaster, old house walls. So I have to gather them all up and set them outside for a few hours. Loads of fun. I love clocks, collect interesting old clocks. Just a pain when the time keeps changing.

WARM here. After rain and cold and all that good stuff, it's going to be 80+ today here at the coast. Amazing. It's already dry and warm and glorious. Loving it. Will box up and send some of it to anyone who needs it.

No peacock sightings so far today. I'm wondering if they are even allowed in this area? I know we aren't supposed to have any farm animals (although you can hear chickens and ducks and other things)but Peacocks? Gonna check with animal control to see if it's safe or permitted. It's becoming a chore to avoid it in the driveway and I dunno if I really want a wild huge bird flying around. headscratch
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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#943812 - 03/08/14 01:48 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42400
Loc: Alabama
Super Saturday ya'll puppy

I've been up for a bit, but got shortstopped by the kitchen. Dogs have been fed, dishes swapped, sourdough starter fed and waiting it's 4 hour ferment so I can make bread, meat for jerky sliced and in the marinade, chicken breasts cooked for brunch, and chicken roasted in the oven for supper.

Now it's time to install my tax program and do son's taxes and then cook our books with a break to mix the bread up for it's first rise. wave

edit: Son's taxes done, bread almost finished with it's first rise, and everyone smoothied. Now time to cook the books!

edit 2: Bread on 2nd rising...boys at park with Soot.

Edit 3: Bread out of the oven cooling, tops buttered...smells heavenly. Books stewing nicely.


Edited by looney4labs (03/08/14 06:10 PM)
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#943859 - 03/08/14 06:48 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
BrownEyedTigre Offline
The Sassy Global Moderator PR Liaison
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 01/04/04
Posts: 65269
Loc: In the Naughty Corner
Sorry, I been in and out and working in between today. lol
Took the dogs for a run and then my Indiana sister called and we decided to go to Starved Rock tomorrow so had to head to get some JakTrax for my shoes so I don't slide on the ice this time. I plan on staying upright. lol
My sister that lives here said it took her over 4 days to be able to walk after our last trip so she bowed out.

L4L, fresh bread is awesome! I can almost smell it here!

Be back...
_________________________
Don't feed the Trolls

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#943862 - 03/08/14 07:00 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
looney4labs Offline
GB Reviewer Moderator
Sonic Boomer

Registered: 04/05/04
Posts: 42400
Loc: Alabama
Ana, your poor sister...Have fun tomorrow!

Books stewed. Now up to make some veggies to go with the chicken for dinner and feed the kids.

I have checked on son a couple of times today to be sure he is conscious. I wanted him to go to the doc today. Feeling too sick to get out of bed is not good. But, he is an adult. Hopefully, he will feel better tomorrow. I know the boys would like to see him.
_________________________
"Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole."
-Roger Caras

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#943867 - 03/08/14 07:06 PM Re: Saturdiner [Re: gymcandy1]
Sorta Blonde Offline
BAAG Specialist

Registered: 11/29/04
Posts: 7296
Loc: San Diego, CA
It's so hot today (hottest part of the day now) that I switched out of my sweatshirt and into a T-shirt that says: I'd Rather Be Hunting Zombies. Yup, sounds good to me. zombie zombie
_________________________
WARNING! This person is extremely blonde...please type SLOWLY.

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