Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight.
Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)
A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.
Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."
He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"
He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"
"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."
~~~~~~~~~Arkansas Professional Engineering Exam
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour,
how many radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in
a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter
is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees?
5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be
the decrease in the ozone layer?
6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation.
The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine.
When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?
8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph.
The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to
avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles
that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?
9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift.
A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked
during the shift?
10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that
has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy
cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a
double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat
for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch
mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could
throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from
having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this
week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
"You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion."
~~~~~~~~ 10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn
the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection
(lollipop) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for
one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the
"open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort
to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole
purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh
8.PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number
and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog
presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when
you're only six inches away.
Good morning everyboomie.
I think I'll change my name to Matt.
That way I can be your welcome matt.
Lots of other people walk all over me, so you don't need to worry about doing it too.
I'll have my sister welcome you first.
You can call her Matilda......................................if you like.
Hope your feet aren't too muddy.
I also hope you have a happy day everyone.